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just a small panic

@asmallpanic / asmallpanic.tumblr.com

musings, findings, writings...
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July again

So what if I take a page from your book and write you a letter? I'm sorry about last summer. I'm sorry I hurt you; I didn't mean to. I know that doesn't matter - you probably already knew I didn't hurt you intentionally and it doesn't change the outcome: you got hurt. You "got crushed." By me. I left with him that night because I was scared and overwhelmed, totally afraid I'd make the wrong choices. I couldn't handle the fact that you were actually flirting with me, actually seeming attracted to me. I had to get out, it was too much. It was too much of everything I'd been hoping for for too long all at once. Why was I suddenly attractive that night? Were you only interested because you were shitfaced? Because I danced with other men? Those were not the reasons I wanted you to want me. That made me feel cheap and ashamed that I cared about you and wanted you but I didn't cross your mind until you were drunk or jealous. I couldn't deal. So I left with him. And yes, I hooked up. That wasn't the first time either. I just wanted to feel good and walk away. That wasn't what I wanted from you - I wanted something real from you. And it didn't seem like that would ever happen. So I'm sorry I hurt you. But I need you to know you hurt me too. I don't know why we couldn't tell each other how we felt and what we wanted honestly. And I'm sad you're leaving. I'll miss my friend. For a while you were one of my closest friends. You also make me angry and frustrated. And I hate that you know me so well. I should be happier for you. I wish this weren't so complicated.

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nitewrighter

I will always be more interested in a story with dragons than a story about a young man with no direction in life who goes to (insert city here) to “Find himself.” Like…the dragon story can still have finding yourself, but it will also have dragons.  Yeah you’ll find yourself in brooklyn but how many dragons will you find in brooklyn? How many, Chad?

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books

Thursday, 5/28 at 7pm at Housing Works Bookstore Cafe in NYC

Join patriarchy-smashing, Pushcart Prize-winning cheeseburger enthusiast Katie Coyle, who will read from her debut novel Vivian Apple at the End of the World, named by Rolling Stone as one of the best YA novels of all time, along with writers Ashley C. Ford and Julie Buntin, for free drinks, snacks, music, and teen-style fun for all ages.

Some of you you may remember this as the party that was blizzarded out in January. As promised, we will rise again, sledgehammer in hand, to celebrate great writers, great readers, and the reblogbookclub community.

Hope to see you there!

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asmallpanic

I will be sprinting from my dinner to go to this! Exciting!!

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nprbooks

Today on Cool Stuff in the Mail, this imposingly attractive tiger scarf arrived along with Renée Ahdieh’s new YA fantasy novel The Wrath & The Dawn, a reworking of the Thousand and One Nights. We thought it might work to scare potential thieves away from our work shelf!

– Petra

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asmallpanic

I didn’t get a tiger scarf but I met Renee earlier this year and AM SO EXCITED to host her for a reading!  This book is great and Renee Ahdieh is fantastic!  

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ultrafacts

The same thing is done with racing horses. Except that they use a goat. [x]

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(Fact Source) Follow Ultrafacts for more facts

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absolutepie

HELLO FAST CAT I AM YOUR DESIGNATED DOG FRIEND

Opponents would literally attempt to kidnap each other’s goats in an effort to upset the horse and cause them to lose the race. [x]

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asmallpanic

THIS IS THE BEST THING I'VE READ ALL DAY!

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griesly

So I started in on Maggie Stiefvater’s Raven Cycle today and I have to admit I’m impressed. She introduced a ridiculous amount of characters in a short period of time, but I have a good sense of their personalities and I can visualize them all clearly. Neat.

It’s kind of creepy, though. I’d just...

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asmallpanic

You will not regret your deep and immediate love for Ronan.  Ever.

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nprbooks

Terry Pratchett was prolific: He wrote more than 70 books, dozens of them about the Discworld — a flat planet borne through space by four elephants on the back of a giant turtle. Pratchett died Thursday at age 66. He had been suffering from early-onset Alzheimer’s disease. 

As Petra reports for All Things Considered, Pratchett had the good death he describes above: He died of natural causes with his cat asleep on his bed and his family around him. 

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Zora Neale Hurston wrote that there are “years that ask questions and years that answer them.” At the top of 2015, I asked myself what was keeping me from living like the 40-year-old women I love, respect and admire. Aside from some arbitrary assertion that I had not paid my dues or lived enough years, why was I holding myself back from saying what I mean and asking for what I want? Who was I waiting on to give me permission to be me? My answer to myself was that life is too short to wait, and wanting to be 40 was never about aging. It was always about wanting to embrace a certain state of mind. I’ve decided that time is now. I asked the question, and I gave myself permission to answer it too. Now, I go to seek a great fucklessness.

(via

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Flashback to a drunkish night during BEA 2014 when I drank craft beer with 3 other cool girls sharing their first times at the Big Book Con with me. We were all young and relatively new in our respective jobs and I told them, "I can't remember where this quote is from but I saw it on tumblr and it says, 'there are years that ask and years that answer,' and you guys this year is a year that answers for all of us."

And you know what tumblr? It was.

Source: tuenight.com
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