It feels like I think suicide about almost constantly. It’s just on different levels. Sometime I’m not present and taking steps in a plan, some days I’m managing and telling myself just try to enjoy the time I have left with the date i’ll finally do it hovering in the background.
It’s gone from something I feared but thought was a possibility, to something I know will happen. I tried to get help, and grow with people I’d let myself be emotionally vulnerable with. But then I’m just left alone with these wholes I created while pouring myself out to them. I can’t blame them, and realized they don’t deserve to be burdened.
I don’t think there’s any fixing me, I’ve been depressed half my life and now I believe it’ll always be there and I just don’t value my life enough to make the effort. It’s unfortunate that I only those with a physical illness or those who have committed to crime are granted death though. I don’t feel like I’ve romanticize death. I’m just over life, and wish I could chose when I was done with it. Like why do have to stay and suffer if I’ve given up. No one has the power to save me but myself, and I’m done.
I’m kind of awful at lies, but know I can pretend I’m fine until the date because it’s easy for people to believe I’m find then to try figure out something a psychological couldn’t. I’m not the best at pretending I’m okay, but worse case is someone does something stupid like have me committed, where I rack up some expensive health bills, get fired from my job which would mean losing health insurance, and would ultimate push to do it sooner.
I’m thinking it’s time to leave this blog behind too. It’s weird, I wanna depressed and struggling when I signed up, but I had hope
