bi and shy

concept: me, a housewife, putting two lean cuisines in the microwave. i drink an entire bottle of chardonnay during the four minutes the chicken fettuccine takes to heat up. my husband walks through the door just as i place the entrée on the table. he thanks me for slaving away all day over a hot stove. i have succeed in passing the lean cuisine off as my own creation. when he’s done, i tell him im in love with our maid, helen–who bears a striking resemblance to margot robbie–and that i will see him in court. im blind drunk and jump into a 1960s pink convertible that helen is driving. we laugh about the lean cuisines.

this is the best post on this fucking website

this is better than anything john green has ever written

Don’t trust morning you. Morning you is a dick. Morning you would sell your loved ones if it got them 5 minutes of extra sleep

maybe morning me wouldn’t be such a dick if that flaky bitch evening me had gone to bed instead of tumblring til butts oclock int he morning

Well evening me might have fallen asleep at a reasonable hour if that dumbass afternoon me hadn’t lain down for a “little nap” that lasted four hours.

brie larson in a hawaiian shirt…..a LOOK

Weight is litteraly the only valid rvb writer

Brie Larson has more bde than an other Avenger combined

She skinned Thanos for her dress and wore his jewelry

me: oh i hate marvel

tessa thompson: thor would be the little spoon with captain marvel and valkyrie

me: actually -

Shrike by Hozier but you’re sitting by your open window during a thunderstorm

(best with headphones)

This is the the best thing thats ever happened to me.

it’s just one of those croissant days

we love a recovery

no idea if this is true, but it feels true

I heard an interview, can’t remember the psychologist, but he was explaining this idea and encouraging people to stop and take a deep breath and literally drink in small moments like you’re a dryass plant when something is ever satisfactory, positive, mildly successful, randomly joyful so your brain can code and integrate that experience because our natural lizard brain will quickly tape over it with mostly unnecessary negative survival shit. Sounds dumb and dorky but sometimes I remember this when I’m feeling good about a moment because our cave brains are still catching up with modern life without sabertooths. I like that it’s not just a pollyanna gosh just be more positive thing but more of a legit brain wiring phenomenon can be gradually hacked through small behavioral changes.

vegans who refuse to even eat backyard eggs….why

people who think its unethical to eat chicken eggs are like people who think bees should keep all their honey. they literally produce more than they need and your unwillingness to even buy local means you are doing nothing to help them, support your small farmers you heathens

life is back pain

i once heard a scientist in a documentary about evolution refer to the human spine as an “architectural nightmare” and then procede to explain why every back is a bad back. it was so validating.

I adjusted my bra straps wrong one day and I’ve been in a ridiculous amount of pain for the past week.

You could not live with your own failure.