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#It fucking hurts knowing that I'm nobody's number 1 person in their life#it sounds fucking selfish but I always put people up on pedestals and they never do the same for me#I just want to shut myself away and focus on nothing but me#I want to love myself without feeling the need for others to love me too#but it's so hard#pretty much all of my friends have partners and other friends that they're close to than me#I don't want to be pushed out of a friendship group again because it's happened all my life and I'm terrified#I'm a fucking selfish mess