DISTRESSED BEEPING

I have a real problem fighting down the impulse to just reach down into the frying pan and flip whatever it is I’m frying over with my bare hands. Like I’ll be fiddling around down there with some fucking spatula or whatever and some part of me will be like “you can just reach down if you’re quick and precise enough. It’ll be fine don’t worry”

Human brain: i’m not putting my hands in the fucking frying pan

Monkey brain: fingers nimble…………. dextrous

2017 is the year we find love

even the uglies?

Especially us uglies

ppl on here like to slander picasso but mastering realism as a teen and then saying fuck that and then painting square shit? absolute power move

Date someone who will date you

Need me a freak like that

STOP MAKING BAD DECISIONS AT 3AM

JUST GO TO BED

shut the fuck up bitch

oh wait this is my post

my plan is to jog in a zip code where the average house is $1 million dollars. i jog everyday. i run into the trophy wives jogging club. we jog past each other so often, they’re forced to interact with me. we’re friends now. i’m invited places. i meet other millionaires, men who love me. i marry the richest, using an alias. throughout the first year of marriage, i’m moving assets and cash to an off shore bank account. i fake my own death on our anniversary. he’s heartbroken.

i started jogging in a new million dollar neighborhood. i’ve just made friends with the local jogging crew headed by ashtonlynn and brotyna “chichi” who has a single millionaire brother,

Is there any version of this plan where I don’t have to jog

u only have to jog past the ladies which is like 46 seconds. suck it up for the fraud of it all

i hope donkey kong walks into my house and smashes a barrel over my head killing me instantly 

He’s just mad because he can’t acquire all the apple juice that I’m acquiring. (x)

sometimes ‘brb’ stands for ‘be ready bitch’ so you have to be careful

i’m so afraid of marriage like what if you marry someone and like have kids with them and then they decide they don’t love you anymore or something idk man but that shit is scary

Yawning is like the body’s “20% battery remaining” warning.

i love capitalizing words that do not need to be capitalized At All so that you read them in that Important Voice

he’s been split into his Law half and his Chaos half and his friends set them up on a blind date to fuse him back to normal