True Heartbreak
You know what’s funny about being with who you thought was the love of your life, the one who you thought you’d get married to and have babies with and grow old together, "when you look at someone through rose-colored glasses, all the red flags just look like flags." You don’t see the gaslighting, the manipulation, the lying. You don’t see those things because you so desperately don’t want them to be true because man oh man do you connect with this person on every level. You collect vinyl together and watch TV together. You share the deepest parts of yourself and act like your true self around them. You feel like you’ve finally found the one and they tell you they love you up until they decide they don’t. They want to be with you until they suddenly pack up your life together and move out without a moment’s notice. They talk with you and tell you we can try again after being apart for a little bit and once they finish getting their stuff out of your apartment they say they don’t want anything to do with you. You start to think of those long days of doing nothing but laying together. You think about those weekends of train rides and Target runs. You think about the kitten you just adopted and wanting to watch her grow up with her older brother cat. You think about the mornings where he would press himself into you and you’d lay there watching TikToks together. You think of the showers together talking about life. You think about going to record stores and buying way too much in vinyl. You think about the dinners and the coffee for breakfast. You think about how he said you changed his life. You think about his family. His niece, his grandmother with dementia. You think about the way he treated your sisters. You think about all these things that you were so looking forward to for the rest of your life. Happiness, love, light, warmth, and strength. And you hurt. Your heart physically breaks in your chest because you really thought you had a life with this person. You really thought this was the end game. But I deserve love. I am worthy of love. I am worthy of being myself. I am worthy of communication. I am worthy of truth. I am worthy of being with a partner who understands me and my flaws and my brain and works with me instead of against me and resenting me. So it’s time to pick myself up, dust myself off, adjust my crown and move on. I’ll mourn what I lost, what I thought I had, but hopefully this leads to bigger and better things.
