i want to vomit the grey inside my chest to be free of the warm sensation in the back of my throat

9 months sober

cut my hair and stake my fucking hands to a log

Growth

Every seven years we become essentially new people, because in that time, every cell in your body has been replaced by a new cell. i am the most sober i have been in 10 years, not smoked since new year, started hitting the gym, eating healthy (hell even make fresh juice with like carrots and protein and shit).

9th June 2018, i had been drinking for 5 days solid without food, i got about 3 hours sleep over the 4 nights, but on the 9th i got non, i stayed up re-considering my life, i thought about where i was, what i was and why, and something just sort of snapped, i broke out of an unhappy relationship, quit my job and changed my life.

See, i have always been terrified of my own emotions, as soon as i start feeling anything its like there’s a darkness in my heart, growing, corrupting my organs more and more with every beat. Turning to alcohol to get away and escape. you cant feel your emotions if you cant feel anything, You cant remember if you are unconscious. I am ashamed by the amount of times i have woke up face down in a bush not knowing where i am or how many days i have been gone by.

I have blacked out a lot about my past, all that remains is how i felt in certain moments, and times. I cant remember names, faces, or most experiences, Maybe i just didn’t care enough about them. I do know that i have hurt a lot of people, used people, betrayed friends and pushed every last one away, and for that i sincerely am sorry.

Neil Hillborn wrote:

“I think a lot about killing myself, not like a point on a map but rather like a glowing exit sign at a show that's never been quite bad enough to make me want to leave. See, when I'm up I don't kill myself because, holy shit, there's so much left to do! When I'm down I don't kill myself because then the sadness would be over, and the sadness is my old paint under the new. The sadness is the house fire or the broken shoulder: I'd still be me without it but I'd be so boring”

I have extreme liver damage, sometimes shit blood, i still wake up screaming, i still cannot look myself in the eyes, but i am fighting this, and for the first time in my life, I am winning.