other places to follow me, if you have them:

I am fucking struggling.

I don't know when it got this bad... but I do know that can't focus on anything long enough at work. I am barely keeping up with everything that I have to do.

I'm not present enough, I know I'm not. and then the guilt eats me up because I should be, I should present, especially with my 2-year-old. and I really try for him, but it leaves me so incredibly exhausted. I feel it in my bones.

how did I get so broken? why did this have to happen to me?

I didn't deserve what happened to me and it's fucked me up for so long without me even realizing it. I feel like my life was stolen from me when I was five years old and I am only just seeing the truth of it now.

and it's been so long since it happened, it feels like it's not allowed to be my trauma anymore. like I should have moved on from it already. but I think I just put it in a box and pushed it to the back of the closet so I wouldn't have to think about it. and I've been pretending to be someone else ever since. someone who didn't have it happen to them. someone who wasn't affected by what happened to them.

I feel lost, so lost.

I've been working on this buddie fic, and as I'm writing, it keeps changing and evolving, but it's definitely the most personal thing I've ever written. I don't think it will be for everyone, and it's definitely angsty and therapeutic for me. And it's canon up until 6x11.

In all the years that I've written fic, I've never written anything like this before. I've never really written like this before.

It feels fucking good, man.

Would I like a Buddie endgame? Yes. Are we going to get one? I honestly can't say. But I'd like to at least enjoy having a canonically bi-character (discovering this about himself in his 30s, no less) for a bit without all of that added pressure or rushing him through this epiphany. Evan Buckley deserves to feel wanted, be pursued, explore this thing about himself, and heal.