Kia, Like The Car

i need to do a face mask but for my soul

who else thought Martha’s Vineyard was an actual vineyard owned by martha stewart

if a guy is hitting on u and he is clearly the alpha in his group of guys.. go for the third in command and undermine their whole power structure

Oh god, I used this tactic so often. Because in most cases I was trying to pull dudes for my friends, rather than myself. You figure out who their leader is, go for #3 or #4 in the group, who is generally much cuter and a bit more shy. This is why he ranks high, but not too high. You go hard on this dude. You hold his hand and smile at him. You don’t even have to go further. Dude #3 is just bewildered you brushed off #1. This makes the dude at the top antsy. It causes dissent in the ranks. Your friends can now swoop in, picking from the remaining dudes as they start to scatter in the wind. They have lost all sense of self. You have secured free drinks for the rest of the night. And whatever else your genitals desire.

She broke that shit down so beautifully

women are masterminds and i love it

who knows how many as of yet undiscovered species of pikachu await us out there

hey idiots watch this *morphs into an ordinary fist-sized onion and never morphs back*

when you’re first to shower and use up all the hot water

whoever said gardening is calming was a big fucking liar

gardening isn’t calming, i’m fighting for my fucking life out here! nature wants me dead. the sun. the bugs. the dirt under my fingernails and in my eyes. i am fighting a fucking war here, trapped under enemy fire. a grenade pops right over the trench i’m trembling in. an ant flies into my mouth. i choke on my regrets, and also the ant. i clutch a letter sent to me by my high school sweetheart. we married right before i was sent off. i’m a father now. i’ll never meet my daughter. the sun’s rays hail down on me, tearing into every inch of exposed skin. i throw in the trowel and embrace death.

This must be my favorite meme of 2017. Or ever.

everyone wish her a goodnight

Buona notte ✨

Arnold?

OH GOD HELP HIM PLEASE

what the fUCK

In my opinion, some of the best tweets I ever let off