empty net specialist

yall coping ?

no

everything french people do is not special. i bet rats in nyc cook the food all the time but nobody gives a shit cause they’re not french.

me eating a pringles

This is so fuckin funny

being in your early twenties is like [grocery shopping alone] [having instant noodles for dinner] [remembering random details about that one friend you haven't spoken to in five years] [feeling overwhelming guilt for every purchase that isn't strictly "necessary"] [having midday naps] [finding out through facebook that the girl who was mean to you in high school has a husband and a baby] [falling a little in love with every stranger on public transport] [pretending you're not afraid of being alone] [wondering when you'll feel like a fully realized person] [listening to bands you liked in middle school] [blinking and it's suddenly december] [failing to imagine yourself ten years from now] [feeling like you're running out of time]

I think my boss knows I shouldn’t be around children or wasn’t meant to be around kids because one of my kindergarteners said he was going eat a rock and I’m like “yeah man, keeping that vitamins original, I can dig that, but let me look at first” and chucked the rock like 40 feet and was like “oooh man, now you gotta settle for whatever they feed you, like pizza or whatever.” , I wish that lady would tell me when she’s in the playground because I’m literally the most unorthodox teacher

take me back to 2009 so i can experience hearing tik tok for the first time again

i hope this email finds you in love with me

waking up in 2020 be like. gotta check what catastrophes, riots and natural disasters i have missed during my 5h sleep

Yesterday at work these two 12yo boys came through my line and i’m instantly like. oh Boy. Because solo children at a grocery store are always forces of chaos, good or bad

But thankfully these ones were totally pleasant, and when i asked if they wanted a receipt one of them pulled out a random fuckin receipt from his bag and asked “Do YOU???” and y’all, i lost my shit… What a power move. When will i ever be this funny

my mother, a fool: stop eating so many mozzarella sticks me, an intellectual: i am sick and tired of this constant kinkshaming

i like the idea of having a step-by-step schedule (like breakfast at x time, study at x time, etc.) but who’s gonna regulate that shit? me? that bitch is a toddler

real life

oh so i guess millennial children are too busy eating avocado toast to enjoy a nice hearty detergent pod