i'm unhappy.

on the nature of daylight

i lose the thread more often than i find it

all i know is when i’m in pain, i want to go lay under the porch like a dying animal and hide from everyone who relies on me. i don’t want them to see the hurt in my eyes, the wound i’m nursing. and while i struggle alone, my mind consumes itself

i get so lost and afraid of what i’ve done to arrive here, in this mess of pain. it’s always my fault, and if it’s not directly my fault, someone else who hurt me, it comes back to me, because i let myself be treated poorly, i foolishly trusted someone when i know trust isn’t real

lately, i fall asleep looking at a picture of myself when i’m 6, before i knew anything bad about this world. it’s hard to look at her, all i can see is this pure joy that’s about to be cut off violently. and i wish i knew what would have happened to that girl if nothing had taken her away from me. it’s hard not to feel disappointed in myself for being whatever version of her i am. 

i’m the scared version, the one who’s heart aches to be kind to myself. i wish i could stop blaming myself for everything, and emotionally bullying myself into a pulp every day.

i’m trying to hold onto this little girl and give her a lot of room, because it wasn’t her fault, and it’s not my fault that this happened to her, even though that’s what i really think deep down. 

i don’t even really know her, i don’t understand how we’re the same person. so all i can do right now is be the person, the adult, who would never let this happen to her. i want to hang out with her and show her all my cool stuff and take her to do fun things and love her for exactly who she is and ask her questions about school and her favorite movie. i can’t think of her as me, because i’m just not that nice to me, i have to trick myself into caring about the adult version because i don't actually believe i deserve it. 

but she does, she deserves the world

i keep listening to music that hurts my heart. i just miss everything so much.

the spelling bee pangram is C H A N T E Y which is incidentally an answer in the daily puzzle.

d r i v e

i don’t know. i don’t know what to say. i start and delete and start and delete and start and delete. everything sounds stupid. i feel stupid. 

it’s hard to tell someone what you need. it’s harder when they don’t like what you need. i don’t even like what i need. 

and i need to be by myself. but don’t think for a second that i haven’t tried to get out of that. i’ve felt it for so long and pushed it way in the back of the cupboard, and then put new cans in front of it. cans of things i won’t eat so i’ll never have to see it. 

i want to say something like, can we try this again after i’ve had some time to get myself together? but i know, with the heaviest weight, that i have used up my chances here. which is maybe the most heartbreaking thing. and if i did do that, then i’ve put a time constraint on myself to 

get right. 

get better. 

get good. 

i am a fucking idiot. and i’m always too late to learn the lesson. 

i wish you knew this existed so i could tell you all the things i can’t tell you. 

things like, i miss you. i think about you every day. that i’ve been reading things you’ve written to make myself feel closer to you. still makes me laugh and pulls the little stitches out of my heart. that i want to draw with you. i want to know what you’ve been watching. i want to know what new ideas you’ve had or how annoying work is. i want to tell you how much i miss talking to a smart person. or a person who even gets it. or who i don’t have to bend down to talk to because they’re up here in all the weirdness with me. i miss your house and your bedroom and how soft your pillows are. i miss taking pictures for you and sending them to you and you having the best reactions. i miss your Very Good Taste. i miss you making the face at me. i miss being the very best version of myself in front of you because i wanted to show you who i wish i could be all the time. 

how many times can you refresh a twitter feed. 

i wish you were here. i wish i were there. i wish we weren’t here. 

isn’t it crazy how your gut instinct is always right but mine’s wrong

lose/lose

i had a dream i sat outside your house, on your driveway. 

i read my favorite parts of books to your front door i carried them all the way there and it was a lot of weight but i think it was worth it you had to hear it even if you didn’t hear it your house heard it the foundation of your life the thing that keeps you from rain and sun protects you from all the people out here who don’t get you from all the people who don’t really deserve you i don’t even know if you were home (you were dreaming, too) doesn’t matter i put all those words into the bones of your space (like you did to me) you don’t have to care you don’t have to listen you don’t have to like it it was just very important i do that in the middle of the night. 

i’m always too late and i’m always behind and i’m always learning the hard way

if i

could just. for one second. sundays. sundays are the worst day of the week, in my opinion. not the entire day, don’t misunderstand. it’s 3 o’clock on a sunday that’s the worst day of the week. and there are so.many.of.them. in a month, in a year, in a lifetime [jesus christ this is my lifetime, it’s happening right now]. i had a bad sunday. i looked at things i shouldn’t have. i thought about things i shouldn’t have. and by thought i mean focused on and by focused on i mean obsessed over. and by obsessed over i mean that i very much was self-harming my own mind. while looking at myself in the mirror, scratching and clawing my way around them. i didn’t eat breakfast. i ate too much crap. and didn’t have enough water. the makings for a horrible sunday at 3 if i’ve ever seen it. but i’m here now. sunday at 7:41. i survived this one. 

didn’t know any better, i’d say it wasn’t a success. but that’s not really what i’d tell someone else. i’d tell someone else, hey. you’re a god damn human being going through something you have no idea how to navigate. and it’s fucking christmas time. take it easy, buddy. you’re ok. and i like when i talk to myself like that. i’m really nice, turns out. 

was honest about what has been going on, it’s that i was hurt (twice, back to back but who’s counting). i was hurt and then i turned around and hurt someone else, and then hurt someone else again. because i’m not done being hurt. at the very least, i’m being honest. and that is the least. at most, i caught myself giving me away. to people that do not deserve me. people that don’t even question it. and then have the audacity to ask for more. 

was a betting man, i’d lay it all on me. turns out, i won this sunday. 

time theft

i don’t think about counting that much anymore. but i think a lot about moments. things that exist in the corners of time. string those together and you have what you think was something special. but there’s no agreement between two people about moments. you’re part of the real world and suddenly everything slows down. you look over at the person next to you and realize, you’re in one. you can see dust particles in the air, you don’t feel cold, you don’t care about monday, you’re stuck in a moment. but there was no forewarning for either of you. 

moments haunt me. they don’t often make me feel warm and safe. they make everything sting and they make my eyes well up. and they sometimes make me wish i’d never had them. 

the ache of nostalgia rules my world.

Fun, new thing

I’ll tell a girl about another girl treating me shitty and she’ll go, “that girl is shitty”, while she turns around and then is shitty to me. Isn’t that fun?