Greatest Hits

Last weekend, we had a first for our venue.

A girl had been drinking since the start of happy hour, so by 10pm (7 hours and countless margaritas later), she was completely out of control. She wandered downstairs to the bathroom and couldn't contain herself. She let loose and defecated all the way down the stairs and down the hallway. I guess you could say it was lucky for her that she was wearing a skirt, and it all just fell out all over the floor. Unlucky for anyone withing smelling distance, and dismal for porter who had to clean up after her. One of the bar staff said he found her kind of just hanging out downstairs and when he advised her that it was probably time for her to head home, she refused. "All my friends are still here! I'm hanging out with my friends!"

I can only hope that she woke up the next morning and had the revelation that she needs to get a hold of herself and her partying. If you're so intoxicated that you don't realize that you've shit yourself and that continuing to hang out is not only embarassing, it's unsanitary for everyone around you, then you probably have an alcohol problem among other issues that you need to address.

This girl and her "incident" just reminds me of so many stories from over the years. It's amazing and abhorring what people will do to themselves and to others under the influence of alcohol...

A girl came out of the bathroom, pants and all around her ankles, wobbling around the hallway, full bush blazing to everyone, screaming, "Where the fuck is the toilet paper!?".

3 guys paid cover and went inside. A few minutes later, they came back out so I offered them a refund- if you're not staying, we're not going to steal your money. I stopped the last guy on his way and asked, "Are you not staying? Want your cover back?" He looked surprised and said, "Yeah, we're leaving. Some guy just pissed on me." He turns and shows me the back of his legs, which had wet streaks all down his jeans and shoes. He said he felt something on the back of his legs and turned around to find the guy standing behind him zipping up his fly and saying, "It's cool. I'm done."

One of our cocktail servers went down to the kitchen only to find a guy running around, completely nude. He had apparently broken into a supply closet, undressed, and was just hanging out in the buck. And of course refused to get dressed or leave.

A girl stopped on the stair landing, which faces directly into the main bar, put her hands up to her face and started vomitting. Because of the way she held her hands, her vomit shot up into her hair and all down the front of her dress. I had to fight people off at the bottom of the stairs until she finally came down, and they pushed me out of the way in some kind of urgency to get back up to the party, not caring that they were trudging through her regurgitated dinner and drinks and tracking it up with them to foul up the recirculated air upstairs while they danced... As she casually sauntered past me, I noticed her barf was dripping down her hair and onto her face. She seemed totally unphased.

Underestimate me, please

I think that everyone that comes to the bar thinks "Bar Staff= stupid". As in, we're all totally unqualified to have any other job because we don't have the intellectual capaticy to hold one.

It's really weird to me how hard people try to get out of paying a cover. In all reality, I let people in for free all the time, half the time for no reason. Last night I let this guy up for free (and he had no idea) because I remembered him from one night almost a month ago, standing around telling one of our DJ's how great he thought his set was. He was almost gushing and I could tell that the DJ was really flattered. So I let him in for free because he treated my DJ so nicely. He thought, however, that he had somehow sweet talked his way out of a cover. I actually have no idea what he said to me because I really couldn't hear him as it was so loud and I wasn't really listening to him anyway. I cut another guy a deal and charged him only half for his group because he patienly waited while I was dealing with a bunch of dickheads, asked a few questions about what was going on and if he and his group could get up, and then very straightforwardly asked if he could get a 2for1 deal as he was entertaining a group and wanted to pay for all of them. Sure, no problem. I like your approach, you're treating me like a human, you're not being annoying/sleazy/a pain in my ass. Nice working with you.

The only time I become a real hardass about charging cover is when people try so hard to scheme and act shady in order to get out of paying a cover. It really brings out my competitve side and folks, I'm super stubborn and can sit there all night and stand my ground. I don't give in. So if you start with me, you should know you're either you're paying or you're not going in.

And if the bar staff are the dumb ones, why do I find that my conversation with most of the patrons consists of repeating myself 10-15 times because they never understand what's going on? My favorite example from last night: A man starts screaming at one of the bartenders, "YOU STOLE MY BUDLIGHT! I ORDERED A BUDLIGHT FROM YOU AND ONLY DRANK HALF AND YOU THREW IT AWAY!!!" The bartender explains to the guy that we don't have Bud Light in the bar. Points to the row of bottles that show what we do have, then to the board listing all the beers we have bottled and on tap, and repeats, "Sir, we don't serve Bud Light." The guy takes a moment, then screams, "I BOUGHT A BUD LIGHT FROM YOU AND YOU THREW IT AWAY! YOU STOLE MY BUD LIGHT!!!!" The bartender said once more that we didn't have Bud Light, then walked away while the guy screamed at him some more. I'm guessing he was at a different bar, ordered a Bud Light, his friends decided to move on and he left his remaining half of a beer on that bar. Then we he got to our bar, he didn't realize he wasn't at the place where he ordered a Bud Light.

But we're the stupid people because we work at a bar.

I Hate When They Win

This Colombian guy got kicked out last night. Deservedly. He was belligerently drunk and completely out of line, swearing and shoving and swaying and causing a scene. His friend even said to me that he was horrified at his behavior and completely embarrassed and ashamed. He was screaming and yelling and swearing at every person standing outside about how he NEEDED to get back inside. And how it was so unbelievable and he wasn't "FUCKING DOING ANYTHING, YOU STUPID ASSHOLES! LET ME BACK INSIDE!". This guy had a tab open, so the security guard took his ID inside, went and got his credit card and the sign slip and brought it back out. When presented with it, he screamed, "I'M NOT PAYING FOR SHIT, YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!". The security guard responded by taking his credit card, ID and slip right back inside to the bartender. Meanwhile, Colombian Drunkard is crying as loud as he can, "I'M SORRY! BRING IT BACK! I'M SORRY YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE! I'M SORRY FOR BEING AN ASSHOLE!"

Then he's crying about his jacket and basically just spends 35 minutes screaming and yelling and begging to be let back inside by insulting and harassing every person around him, including his friend.

At some point, he snuck back inside through the side exit- someone must have been coming out and he slipped in. He comes back through the front door, middle fingers flaring like pistols, laughing and waving his ID, credit card and jacket.

"YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE I WON! I GOT MY STUFF AND I'M NEVER COMING BACK HERE! YOU'RE SUCH ASSHOLES!"

At this point, the fury building in me was causing my eyeballs to shake. I swooped up into his face and calmly but sternly said to him. "They're not assholes. They do a lot for this venue and the patrons who come here. You are the one acting like an asshole. You're beyond intoxicated and completely out of control. You are acting like an animal. I suggest you leave immediately. Go home, drink some water and go to bed and HOPE you wake up with no memory of tonight because any decent person would be horrified to realize they've been behaving like you have." He started to yell at me and I just put my hand up, said to him, "I really have no interest in what you have to say so just stop." Somehow, he did. I looked at another of his friends that had shown up during the scene and told her to get him away immediately, and she agreed and both the friends apologized for the Colombian.

I really take offense when foreign people come to the states and really bag on how bad Americans are because from what I've witnessed, people are equally rude, self-righteous, ridicuslously clueless, crass and completely intolerable nomatter where they come from. I don't care if they're Australian, French, British, Italian, South American, Asian, Russian, West Indian, East Indian, African- at least 80% of all people from all over the world are terrible people. Maybe they're less bad when they're not drunk, but I won't hold my breath.

Girls in Heels

Drunk girls and heels do not mix. Ladies, I understand wanting to get dressed up and look hot, but if you plan on drinking until your legs are shaky, please make wise choices in foot wear.

Example: I watched a girl stumble out of the front door, trip over her own feet and fall face first into the massive pile of garbage (mostly glass bottles from the bar). She landed on her face, butt waving in the air.

Another example: Girl slips and falls out of the front door, letting go of the door which slams on her hand, cutting off the tip of her pinkie. If you don't want to lose appendages, think carefully about your ability to walk in your shoes.

Third example: Girl is wasted and stumbling in her open toed shoes, drops her beer and steps on the broken glass bottle that slices through her shoe. Her foot is gushing blood (about a whole bucketfull already) but she refuses to let the bar stuff cut her tights to get the glass out and apply pressure to stop the bleeding.

Final example: First of all, drunks are dumb. A girl and her 2 guys friends decide it's a good idea to run under a trailer truck that's stopped in traffic. The 2 guys make it through ok, but the girl slips and falls because of her heels, just as the traffic lets up and the truck starts driving again. Our security guards banged on the door, stopping the driver. When they pulled her out safely from under the truck, she says, "We saw it in a movie! We thought it would be funny!".

Worst Pickup Line Ever

"Would you like to have relations with me?"

No. I would not.

I Know You're Lying

We've heard it all before. Every line you can come up with, I'm sure I've heard it before. Lying to me will only help me not have any sympathy and will for sure cancel all your chances of getting in free.

1. No you weren't already in there because I would have stamped or marked your hand or put the bracelet on you. And no, I didn't forget. And if you handed me money, you would DEFINITELY have a stamp/bracelet/marker mark. So if you have no mark, you have to pay the cover.

2. Our venue doesn't use promoters, our DJs don't have managers, anyone who's ever booked a private event contacts management and comes in the off hours to look at the space. Showing up at 2am and expecting to not pay cover because you're considering throwing an event or you work for Esquire and want to write a review... I can smell the horseshit, just so you know.

3. If you can't tell me the bartender's name, then you're not friends. I'm really not that much of a hardass, I just want a name.

4. Will is not having a party. So you can't be here for his party. You have to pay the cover.

5. You're not the owner or an employee. I know the owners and all the employees.

6. You were not told it was free to get in. If your friend told you that, it's because they're dumb and decided to have you meet them somewhere with a cover and didn't check first. You did not talk to someone at the venue because they would not have told you it's free. Because we charge a cover.

The Girl in the Pink Tank Top

She was wasted. When I got there, she was already a mess. This tiny girl with the huge set that was exploding from her spaghetti strapped tank. I don't know who or where her "friends" were, but someone needed to take her home. By 10pm, she was already in serious danger. I heard from the server upstairs that the girl had already made out with at least 8 different guys, sloppily rolling out of one embrace to fall into the next guy standing in line. At one point, she was so drunk, she was passed out standing up while the guy holding her upright continued to suck her face and fondle her giant boobs. Eventually, she was escorted out by security because she was throwing up in corners. And on her way out, she finally decided to ask for help, grabbing everyone (and everything, including me and my counter), SCREAMING, "Please! Please help me!".

Honey, that's the point where you were finally getting the help you needed. Help out the door and away from the potential rapists who were pouring more alcohol down your throat.

After she was finally outside, some tiny guy shoved passed me back into the bar, commenting on his way, "I'm going to get my friend's jacket. They kicked out my friend and she needs her jacket." I yelled after him, "Maybe you should have been taking better care of your friend so she wouldn't have found herself so inebriated that she's being escorted out by security! If you were her friend, you wouldn't let her get handled like a dog toy."

In conclusion: Take a tiny step toward being a better person. Start by being a decent friend.