I knew you’d be trouble when you walked into my office for the first time. What I didn’t know is how much you’d help me. The worst part of working with students is when the grow up and finally become adults

The first one of the season is the hardest

It’s always hard to lose a lamb especially out of a young ewe for her first time. It’s even harder when it takes every ounce of your strength and will power to get it out. There’s no glory is sitting there after getting a big stuck lamb out as you try and muster up how you feel. Those 2 hours of your hand cramping, your arm going numb, fighting with everything you have to not give up. The ewe laying there exhausted hoping that you can help her, her life depending on you to get this lamb out; there’s no glory in it. If you ever want to push someone’s will power and see how truly dedicated they are just put them in that situation. Where all involved are totally helpless and all need each other to survive. Most will give up, walk away, call the vet for a fetotemy, c section or euthanasia. But the select few will stay, they will give it their all even when they want to give up. And when it’s all over they will sit there in a hot shower trying to muster up the emotion of how they feel. And know that somewhere out there someone still believes that we who raise livestock do not care....

I’m Not Perfect and Neither Are You

I’m getting so tired of this one person “tattling” on me every time I say something that could be mistook. I’m so tired of no one saying anything to me about these things until MONTHS later. If you’re gonna offer constructive criticism do so directly after the fact of the matter. Don’t wait until an opportunity presents itself because what you don’t know is that for the last 4 months I have been stupid anxious about what I said at that event. I have lost hours of sleep and spent days wondering if I offended anyone.

And when you offer the criticism just understand I will probably break down. Because what you don’t see behind who I am today is what I have been through.

Those three years that anytime I was told something in that manner it was harsh and it was hurtful and it led to a lot of issues.

What you don’t see is the anxiety of being approached by someone I deeply respect and want to keep respect keep on making proud. Because I am proud of the things I accomplish but I am also filled with worries and doubts that I am never good enough.

What you don’t see is the struggle some days to get out of bed, to say you have to if not for you; for the animals and your employees.

What you don’t see is the constant thought of “I am too young they think I am just a child” and trying so hard everyday to change that thought. To garner their respect to make me an equal among them. And to doubt that it will ever happen.

So when I break down due to constructive criticism know that I hear you but I am trying to figure out where I went wrong and how my hours of trying to be the best I can isn’t good enough. Know that I am very proud of what I do and I want to be the best but I am still learning and I take so much and put so much out there that I make myself vulnerable to those doubts and anxieties. After all I just want to impress and keep your respect.

I am not perfect but I am young and I am learning.

I want to talk about growth and this is simply for myself as I want to acknowledge something I did in the last 6 months that I wouldn’t have done in previous years.

I was boarding my horse in a toxic environment. The trainer was rude to everyone the kind that is sweet to your face and then talks behind your back. They belittled and bullied something that when you pay for their services you can’t harp on.

The barn gave me anxiety. I stopped seeing my horse because of it and when I stopped going out I wasn’t able to see what was happening with him. That he wasn’t getting fed enough, that he was unhappy, that he was stressed and overworked. Because when I did finally manage to get out there through all the anxiety I just wanted to ride and get it over with.

I still am ashamed of it but I couldn’t make it past the anxiety. It had been so long since I had that bad of panic attacks, that bad of the feeling of dred, just that jittery feeling that makes you sick to your stomach that I had forgotten neh I hadn’t learned how to deal with it appropriately.

I finally early summer had to take a stand and take a stand I did. Sure I moved my horse quietly on a Sunday without a word. Sure was that the best No but I still finished out my lessons and got the heck out of there.

In essence where this is headed is that the barn owner also owns a tack store on property. I want to do good, buy local, support her grandkids but that anxiety has stopped me from going back. Today I decided in the snow and the cold to go to the store and to breathe through it. From the moment the thought crossed my mind I felt it. The jittery sick to stomach fleeing instinct. I stuck with it though and breathed through it.

Now I finally know how badly that barn made me feel. How much it affected me and my life. This is me recognizing that me in a different stage of life wouldn’t have stood up. Wouldn’t have gotten out of that situation which made me feel that way.

I am going to try to breath through some more of my anxiety after all I want to enjoy going to the tack store not dred it but that’s another step. I hope that step is eventually overcome however for now I am just so elated of how much I have grown.

Yep still at it. We may just still be walking but hey we’re “riding”

Get you a friend that will take pictures of you not concerned about riding just concerned about talking. The result will be this glorious 😅 my face be precious.