2023 has been the shittiest year of my life hands down. I have lived in depression more this year than any other year. I have contemplated taking my own life seriously more times than not this year. I'm tired, absolutely tired. I'm tired of being demisexual and needing a connection I'm tired of the manic moments that just send me further into a spiral. I'm tired of not having people in my life. I'm just tired. I feel like I'm just on the outskirts of my own life and when I'm allowed to be in it I am just pissed off at everything. The depression is winning and I'm not completely sure I want to keep fighting it

Everything is just crushing in on me. And I'm tired. I'm tired of being tired. And I can't stop it. Work is getting bad again. And I really want to just crawl under a rock and never fucking go back. I have two kids. One who seems to be hell bent on getting kicked out of school for behavior and he's only in pre-k and a kid who could possibly but probably doesn't have a life altering genetic mutation. I feel like I'm playing second fiddle to my husband. That right now he wants me because I'm here. He tells me I'm important but I truly don't feel it. And we fucking suck at communicating that I can't tell him. Our house is literally trying to fall apart as we are trying to fix it. Our fucking insurance is refusing to cover the cost of a new roof for some stupid ass fucking reason. Either or plumbing is leaking or out duct system is. Either way it goes the floor is trying to cave in all over the fucking place. And I just feel like screaming. I give up. I'm numb. I'm basically stressing eating and not eating at the same time and I can't stop myself. I feel like if I cry maybe I'll feel better but I can't. I have officially reached a point of no feelings. I'm basically having panic attacks for no fixing reason at random parts of the day and because I don't want to talk about it to one of my best friends I have to act like everything is alright. And I'm tired of it all. I love my kids and I want to see them grow but today is one of those days where I kinda hope if I fall asleep I just don't wake up in the morning. I wish someone would care enough to read this but I know they won't which is why I post on here exclusively. So I guess this is my new life. 🤐

I don't know if I'm a downward spiral because of ppd or because the one person who should be willing to help me is constantly getting mad at me for asking for help because he works and I don't at the moment. I'm tired of feeling like the asshole. I'm tired of feeling like a bad mom. I hate my body but can't do much about it. And now I feel like we're growing apart and the only reason we ever have sex is when he thinks about 3somes or because he gets a random erection or because it's time for bed and I'm there. I don't feel wanted. I feel like I'm a burden he just can't get rid of. And there are points where I want to walk out the door and not look back for a couple of weeks. And talking isn't helping. But it's probably the ppd right?

Gotta love being pregnant, insecure and full anxiety. And the only thing you can think to relieve some of the anxiety is cutting something you haven't done in almost seven years 🙃🤐💔

Gotta love when you're spiraling out. I can feel myself getting bad. I can feel my body going into shut down. And I know it has a lot to do with the fact that I took a week off and I'm dealing with work bs. And the fact that I just lost my last dog now even six months after the one before. But all I can think is... My kid tolerates me. He'll choose anyone over me. 90% of the time. I keep thinking. I've screwed everything up. And my kid and future kids will more than likely fight this same demons I've been fighting sice I was like 8 years old. And I'm terrified I won't see the signs. And I worry they'll be stronger than me and not as scared. And I'm worried. And all I think is it's my fault. It's all my fault.