I can attest to most of these things. You don't die. Your life doesn't end. You keep in chuggin along and one day, you'll get over it and realize those experiences you never thought you'd get through... Made you a better person. A more loving person. A more caring person. A more honest person. Don't just be thankful for the good times, be thankful for those dark times too. They usually have a bigger impact on YOU than you think.
First, they’re like:
Then, they’re like:
When someone thanks you for giving them information they asked for so they can buy your bratty children Christmas presents, don't reply with "yup". "Yup" is not a proper way to end that conversation. Learn some manners. PLEASE AND THANK YOU :)
Pear bread is in the oven. I'll be my own best friend. It's more fun and less disappointment anyway.
I'm going to get a little deep here, if you don't like it keep scrolling. I am 1 in 4 women that have miscarriages. In addition to that, I am 1% of those women that have recurrent miscarriages. I have 4 angel babies in heaven watching over me. This is a tough thing for any woman to go through. It is a heartbreaking loss that I wish no one had to endure, it crushes you. Breaks your heart into a million unrecognizable pieces and when you see those two pink lines again, you're terrified. Terrified that this could end just as tragically as the first, second, third, etc. and when it does, only the miscarriage, infant loss, and stillbirth community understands. When people tell ME that I'm not a mother and that I don't deserve recognition as a mother, I get very upset. You try growing a baby, having contractions very early and miscarrying. The pain is unimaginable. I don't get an epidural. I don't get a baby at the end, the reward for such pain. So please, if someone looks sad this month or any month and you know what they've gone through, just hug them and let them know you care about them (thanks @bullymommy2012 for the picture)
Picked up my wedding ring today! #ahhhh #sixmonths #adamswedding418 #weddingplanning #wedding #engagementring #engaged #love #diamonds #somuchbling
It's about time Fall showed up!! #rainyday #scarfweather #fall #autumn #loveit #SNOWBABYSNOW
This is a pointless posts about my awesome socks and my new rug for the foyer.
Yesterday was a little stressful. I had to tell his aunt that unfortunately, due to venue and budget constraints, she will not be invited to the wedding. Didn't go over well when she talked to his younger sister. Then, even though I told Jake to tell her, I had to tell her that kids will not be invited either. His side of the family isn't happy. Anyway, last week I applied for a full time, increased pay position at Jake's work. I would be making more than him, which is amazing because he makes great money. Then I could go back to spoiling him like I love to do. I checked the State of Oregon's website and I have been placed on a "competitive list" as the qualifications they posted were met but my application! This is super exciting for us as a family. I can't wait to find out if they'll have me in to interview. I think it helps that two family members work there, one in corrections, the other in administration... and my future FIL is retired law enforcement and all the agencies in this small town communicate. Maybe I have an upper hand. It would be nice since the last 4 jobs I've applied to have turned me down. Wish me luck!
I hate wedding planning. I always have, even with my first wedding and he wasn't even around when I planned it (he was in boot camp). Jake wanted nothing to do with the planning so I have completely left him out. He only asked what days he needs to get off so that's what I've told him. I hand him the photography contract to sign and he doesn't like the terms. He thinks the travel fee is too high so we start arguing about it. It took me 2 weeks to pick a damn photographer and dad is paying for anyway. But he refuses to sign it. Our fight ended up in a literal water fight in the bedroom with our nightly water glasses. It was funny, but fuck he didn't want to be involved to stay out of it then. Ugh.
I find this absolutely hilarious
Well it seems like this blog is becoming more and more about problems associated with fertility and miscarriage... I apologize, but it seems to be overshadowing all aspects of my life (including planning a wedding for April 2015).
The office manager for the fertility specialist in Medford called me while I was in the bath. I agreed to get all of the documentation from my previous OB-GYN and the hospital from where I've had my previous THREE miscarriages. She was very upset to learn that my doctor/nurse here refused to give me an ultrasound and an HCG test on my blood when I was miscarrying my fourth two weeks ago. I've been around the block, I know what is supposed to be done and they didn't do it.
Anywho, she put me on the cancelation list for Sept 8th but I doubt I'll get in until Oct 6th. Really, it's fine by me. They basically want to create a plan and it will probably include me getting pregnant again for a "test run" so they can literally run a bunch of tests on me. Not excited about that. I guess the silver lining would be that they hopefully find a cause for all this.
In other/lighter news, Jake and I picked a date for the wedding; April 18, 2015. We are having a medium sized wedding on a ranch property here that friends of ours own. Everything is going to be mismatched and imperfect and it's practically perfect for us. That's all that matters. Also, Jake has agreed that we are not going to have any kids in attendance. YES! I'm really excited about this.
Hope everyone is doing well <3
Share a coke with your soulmate. Yessir!
This weekend was super emotional and I'm really happy that my parents drove the 13 hours up north to come visit with us. I don't know how I wouldn't have gotten through it without them and Jake. They arrived Thursday evening. We caught up and made dinner. Played some games and just sat around talking to each other about whatever. Friday we went out to Jake's parents house to shoot the bows and our guns. Then we went up to the river and let the dogs swim around. Bo swam the whole time, chasing after a stick, but mostly just because he liked swimming. So glad he's such a good swimmer because I love going to the river. We went back home and we were pooped. We made ceviche, seared ahi, and cilantro lime rice for dinner. Omg. It was amazing. I can't even remember the last time we all prepared a meal together. It was really nice. Yesterday, we took a rode trip up to Bend to look at some guns that dad wanted. He got a couple of guns, I got a new coach purse, Jake got some new broad heads, I also got a new iron cross for my kitchen. I love it. I'll put up pictures tonight or tomorrow. We met Jake's parents at the Cowboy Dinner Tree for dinner and we had a blast. Talked a little bit about what our plans were for a wedding. We kind of hammered out some details, but we are waiting to set a date for now. My parents left this morning and I couldn't help but cry a little. I wasn't ready for them to leave. 2.5 days really just isn't long enough, especially with what has been going on. On that note, Jake and I have decided that we are going to wait until this time next year to try for another baby. Hopefully, we will have seen our fertility specialist and have some sort of solution to whatever problem is going on by then. I really just don't have the energy to try for another baby right now, as much as I want to be a mom. Anyway, how are y'all doing?
Because our blog needs some happy, here is a photo of Jake and I last week at Crater Lake
The idiot nurse finally agreed to give me a referral to a fertility and genetics specialist about 4 hours away from out small town. Apparently he’s amazing. Jake and I just want to know why, why do I keep miscarrying and what the hell can we do about it.
So now we have to decide if we go see him now, after my hcg is at 0, and figure it out… Or do we wait until next summer when we are ready to try again.
Id really like to deliver in late May, early June so that I can have my paid summer off with future sticky baby. I don’t know. We shall see. We have some decisions ahead of us.
My parents are halfway to our house. It’s about a 13 hour drive, so for now we are just going to enjoy spending time with them and plan a wedding.
Again. I can't believe this is happening to me again.
Apparently doctors don't know what the fuck they are talking about and that last post about a "healthy" pregnancy was speaking too soon. I told them exactly what they needed to test for. I've been through this three other times, I know exactly what I need to be tested for. I could have known about this impending miscarriage a week ago. Instead, I get my hopes built up by their office saying baby is healthy. Wrong.
They drew blood friday and only did a qualitative blood test when they should have done a quantitative and thyroid. They run a full panel, including the thyroid but not the quantitative (which shows how high your hcg hormone is) on another blood draw Monday. This morning in the middle of my office, I start bleeding. Heavily. I went to my boss (I hadn't even told her I was pregnant) that I was miscarrying and had to go to the hospital. I leave and head over to get my lab request. They take more blood and finally do the quantitative test. So low... so so low. Either progesterone did absolutely nothing or I should have been taking it before I even got pregnant (like I fucking told them).
The nurse, not even the doctor that hasn't called or talked to or has even seen me for this pregnancy, told me that at least one good thing came out of this; they know it's not my thyroid that's the issue. Really? REALLY? Lady, I know you're a really nice person and this is a super small town, I'll probably run into you at the market, but I really hate your face right now. You have no idea how to talk to a person miscarrying. I just want to know WHY I keep miscarrying and they're not helping at all. Time to see a specialist 4 hours away.
Today was supposed to have been Jake's day off, but he got called out on a fire and he's about 3 hours away. I couldn't reach him on his cell phone so I called his dispatch and had to tell them that I was in the hospital and needed him to call me asap. They got a hold of him and he got a hold of me. I'm pretty sure I could hear him cry. Fuck.
I decided that I couldn't stay at home and cry all day no matter how much my body and my heart hurt. I talked to my boss and asked to come back. I told her no one knows there and I need to be busy and not talk about it. She understood and I finished my 5 hours and went home. I furiously cleaned for about an hour. Took a nap. Then a shower. Now I have no idea what to do with myself. I'm really trying hard not to cry but I'm exhausted from trying to be strong... If you are in my shoes, I'm praying for your strength, your healing, and your heart.
