Never Again
This is centered around 1x09 “Home”. I was watching it while getting ready this morning and could not get the idea out of my head. There are headcannon aspects that fit in with the SPN storyline. Probably should have gone in a little early to work on paperwork at my internship, but instead rolled out this little ficlet. I’m super proud of it though and it felt really good to start writing again. Enjoy and let me know what you think!
He hadn’t been completely honest with Sam.
It had first started when he was 12.
They all were huddled in a moth-bitten motel room, supposedly sleeping. John had started snoring on the couch, a surefire tell that he had finally passed out, a glass of dark amber teetering on the edge of the table. After a screaming match earlier that day, Dean’s curiosity was at its maximum. He slipped out of the bed whisper soft, Sam’s breath huffing evenly next to him, and searched. Finally, he found it stuffed behind the TV, already layered with dust from the unmanaged room. Pouring over the first few pages, tears crept into Dean’s eyes, beginning to understand the pain his father was constantly tortured with.
He swore that he would never let Sam read that journal.
Sam found it a week later in that same motel room.
After everything was wrapped up, John traveled with the boys to Jefferson City, Missouri. Long car rides always worked up Dean because of all the time he had to sit and think. So by the time they reached the Kansas border, he had already figured out a plan. He whined and moaned as they shot through the empty highway, saying he had to barf. Please, could they just stop. It could all wait just one more night, couldn’t it? Eventually John caved and they tromped through the lobby and up into a room nicer than the one they had just left. The plan was working. Dean knew where to find everything else he needed, he just had to be patient.
The cab driver didn’t seem phased by his age, just told him it was an hour trip and demanded his money. John would have been impressed he still remembered the address. Dean tapped, drummed, and fidgeted his way through the trip, receiving more than one nasty look over the barrier. Just fifteen more minutes, kid, cool it would ya? They crested over the hill as the sky started to brighten.
Dean’s stomach dropped to the floor. He yelled. Stop. Take me back. I don’t want to be here anymore. The cabbie cursed like a sailor. What a waste of my time. Dean tossed him the wad of cash. Silently, they turned back.
When he got back to the motel, Dean actually did barf.
Over the next four years, Dean started to drive. John had never enrolled him in driver’s ed. Learning was always done in between hunts. During a brief stint in Dubuque, Iowa, Dean gave his teacher a heart attack. Driving was part of the curriculum, but performing a donut instead of a three-point turn was not.
As January approached, John asked what Dean wanted for his birthday. It only took a couple times before he thought of an answer. I want to take the car. I want to go on a trip by myself. John wouldn’t hear it. No. You are not going out alone. Is this is about you hunting by yourself? Sam hated listening to these arguments. But after weeks of persuading, Dean wore his Dad down. I promise I will be back by nightfall. I just want to pick the destination.
They were in Colorado Springs the week that he turned 16. He explained that he had to leave early but never sold out his plan. John reluctantly handed over the keys in the midst of his poltergeist research. Sammy pleaded to come along. Dean ruffled his hair. Later.
This time as he rounded the weathered sign, he was prepared. He was older now. He was going to finish what he had started.
Hardly anyone gave him any grief while he maneuvered through the Lawrence Department of Motor Vehicles. Dean had worked the whole thing out. Only one grouchy old lady demanded why there wasn’t an adult present. He’s working a double shift. We can barely afford to make rent. I need to drive so I can start working. There may have been a little mist in her eyes as he turned towards the waiting area.
Dean passed with flying colors. His proctor jotted down a couple notes on his clipboard. Haven’t seen car control like that in a while. Let’s go get your picture done. Dean couldn’t help but smile. Once the small piece of plastic was in his hands, Dean finally relaxed. Even three missed calls couldn’t sour his mood. He had finally done it. An official address in a city he hated to love.
When Dean got back that night, there was a blueberry pie and two presents waiting. John was already asleep. Sammy blearily wished him a happy birthday before zoning back out. Wrapped in the first box was a car air freshener that reeked of citrus. Lemon Perfection. In the second was another plastic card. Different picture, different address. Dean slid it under the clear portion of his wallet. Tucked into the smallest slot in the back was the one he had gotten on his own.
John never knew about Dean’s first driver’s license.
He had thought he was done. There wasn’t another reason to go back. Then Sam had started talking about college. Fighting with Dad. Wanting out of the life. Mostly Dean stood back while the two men argued. One night he tried to reason with Sammy. You don’t know what you’re talking about. Instead of acceptance and understanding, he was met with resistance. Don’t call me that. My name is Sam. I got a full ride. I’m not looking over my shoulder this time.
Dean was gone before the sun was up. He drove through the mid-day heat. Shadows followed his car until dusk settled. Driving helped. He had to focus on the road instead of everything running in his head. But he still couldn’t forget Sam’s shoulders as they turned away from him. How could he protect what didn’t want to be around?
It was nearly midnight when Dean finally saw the sign. He parked at the top of the hill, looking down at the dark landscape below. This small sleeping town didn’t know he was there. Or even who he was. He wasn’t considered a resident. Had never been to a school or library or restaurant here. Dean’s chest burned with ache. Slowly he pulled out his wallet. There had been a couple license changes since he had turned 16. But he still had his first tucked away. Nothing in his life held the truth more than this plastic card.
Suddenly there was light at the bottom of the hill. Red and blue sirens. Pushing down the knee-jerk reaction, Dean watched with curiosity. The lights crossed in front of him. Lawrence Ambulance Service. He smirked. Just another night, trying to rescue some pour soul.
What if it was Sam? Or Dad? It wouldn’t be funny then. Was this what it felt when their house was attacked? When their lives were completely turned around? Dean felt his heart seize up. Nothing mattered more. Why hadn’t he said that? Sam had to know. Sam always knew what he felt without having to say it. Maybe that would make Sam change his mind. Dean spun the car around. Mrs. Winter in Dubuque would have screamed. He raced faster than he ever had back through the night. He had to keep trying.
But Sam hadn’t come back.
John roared and hollered, still stung by his youngest son’s betrayal. Why did you take the car? Why did you leave? Never do that again! Dean hung his head. That night he flipped through the calls he had ignored. All from John. He hovered over the constant contact in his phone. Pressed green. Ring. Ring. Ring. Hey, this is Sam…
So when Dean said that he would never go back there, he had meant never again.