One day at a time. I used to hate that saying and now that is all I can do.
My boyfriend passed away nine months ago. The long story is a bit of a telenovela and our story is a heartfelt 20 year journey. Maybe one day I’ll write that novel. But for now I just have to to work hard every day to keep moving.
Some days getting up is the hardest thing to do. But at least I’m up. So there’s that. Still many things remind me of the family I once had and I fall apart again. I need to find new ways to heal my heart and soul and thought maybe someone out there also needs the same.
Simultaneously, I had to have surgery and everything got really blurry for a while. It felt like I was just watching everything from the outside and I honestly have no idea what happened. I just remember one day sitting in the doctor’s office clenching my boyfriend’s prayer card when my doctor said I needed a full hysterectomy. I don’t think I even blinked. I think I just stared and nodded. I remember walking to the bus stop, I held the details from the MRI in one hand and his prayer card in the other and then it started to rain. My family was gone. It hurt to walk, it hurt to stand, it hurt to sit, it hurt to lay down, it hurt to breathe. I just stood in the rain. That was about six months ago.
After the surgery, I began to slowly get up every day. I started to visit more doctors to fix all the stuff I ignored for so long. Then, I got some plants. I am not a plant person. Now I have six plants and almost all survived. I started painting again and opened those books that I put away before I can remember. I walked into a Sephora and I even began watching movies again. Still I can only watch crime, mystery and horror. If I see anything about love or families, it will take me a few days to get up again.
Nine months later, here I am without a uterus, without the family I once had, and well, it’s not great. It’s not better than nine months ago. It’s just different. Anyone else feel the same?
That’s all for now. I’ll be getting back to rouge talk slowly. Until then, take it one day at a time.
xoxo
6 months old lavender
Healing in Florida
twenty years ago
missing you
healing on the beach
healing with blueberry lemon honey
healing with painting
healing with empanadas
healing with churros
tulips in spring
selfie in Vegas
healing under the stars
healing with prayer
healing in my dreams
Nine months later. Nope, no babies. Healing. One day at a time. I used to hate that saying and now that is all I can do.
