Hey I figured I’d give y’all a chance to pass judgment on my situation and my character with some hot and juicy facts:
My husband had lots of red flags but I ignored them.
I believed that if I was good enough of a person, a mom, a wife he would be a better husband, father and person.
I believed God was capable of changing my husband and improving our marriage via the Sacrament of Marriage as my priest who counseled us told me before we were married.
I believed when the priests told me it was the devil destroying my marriage rather than willful acts of abuse or harm.
I believed I couldn’t make it without him.
I believed it was me that made him worse, when I didn’t walk on eggshells well enough.
Even if I didn’t believe these things, I was in love with my husband, emotionally and mentally dependent on my husband, and would have in this love and dependence stayed and forgave him for the things he did. I did not believe he would ever try to kill me. I believed he was my protector.
I am still in love with my husband. I still wish he could be a good person. I still wish he could be the man I “saw in him”. I still wish I didn’t have to live my life without him. I still wish our children didn’t have to live their life without them. I want the healthy marriage I would have suffered for 10,000 years for, I want the stable and healthy husband I would have suffered 10,000 years for. I wish he could be the one to keep me safe.
I wanted to leave, but couldn’t have. If I would have been able to leave sooner…I likely wouldn’t have.
But I’m out now. I’m safe now. I’m alive now.
You can pass your judgment on me; I’m weak, I’m pathetic, I’m stupid, I’m lazy, and I’m to blame. And I’m sure my husband would agree with you too.
And I would have agreed with you 6 months ago.
But I don’t now.