Destiny

The Day and Life of Abbicus and Heathen : Part 5 - TurdButt Lovins?

The Day and Life of Abbicus and Heathen: Part 4 - Heathen refuses to meow.

The Day and Life of Abbicus and Heathen: Part 3 - Abbicus, Demon Kitty

The Day and Life of Abbicus and Heathen: Part 2 - Why does Abbey even do this?

The Day and Life of Abbicus and Heathen: Part 1 - Abbey's Very Important Thing

So I know I rant a lot on here. But, honestly, I don’t know where else to do it. And this one happens to be one that I honestly need help with...

I’ve always been a firm believer in “If you ignore the bullies, they will go away. And if that doesn’t work, get them out of your life completely because you don’t need that kind of negativity in your life.” I stood up for myself as best I could, and if that didn’t work then I was a snitch. “That’s terrible!” you think, right? But I was never afraid to snitch. The more you bullied me, the more I snitched. And soon, it wasn’t worth it to bully me. I had a guy clothes line me in the mouth in Jr high. I snitched again and he never tried to do anything again. I actually became pretty good friends with him in High School after that. So, bullying has never been a problem for me to get rid of. Negativity has never been a problem for me to git rid of either. If a friend was a negative influence on me, yeah it hurt to let them go, but I needed to. I probably learned this most from when I dated a verbally abusive guy for 3 years. And one day, I realized that it was happening. That I began to hate my life for it. So I dumped him. 

So, why do I need help if this is what I firmly believe in? Well, someone found a loop hole to this...

What if it’s a family member?  Someone who you have been close to forever? Someone that has never been verbally abusive and a bully, but suddenly started?

Well, get rid of them, right? That’s the way I’ve always taken care of it, so why stop now? 

But what if it’s your grandmother? A grandmother you love dearly? And you’re her only granddaughter of seven grandkids? What if you don’t want to get rid of her, because you’re afraid that if she dies, you’ll never get to have fun with her again? 

But, you’ve found yourself actually giving into her words... You step out of the shower, see a little fat jiggle in the mirror and think, ‘Maybe she’s right. Maybe I am getting fat.’ and you try to stop yourself with, ‘But I’m only a size 4! I can’t be fat!’ but still in the back of your mind, your crying because you use to be a 2. 

Later, you find yourself getting ready to go out and you look in the mirror and think, ‘Maybe I should put on make-up. Maybe I really do look ugly without it.’ and you try to stop yourself with, ‘But I’m 21 and I’ve never worn make-up and my boyfriend of 2 years loves me and thinks I’m beautiful without it.’ But still, you find yourself putting only eyeliner and mascara, because ‘maybe this will help...’

And then you you look at your hair in the mirror, “maybe I should grow it out and dye it blonde again.’ because you’ve been told that it looks nappy and boring the way it is. But then you remember, ‘It’s short and its natural color because I killed it from dying it too much.’ but still, you find yourself putting it up into a pony tail because you don’t want people to see it. 

And so one day you lose it. You yell at your grandmother after she tells you that ‘I’m only telling you that you’re fat and ugly because I don’t want you to be alone for ever. Justin is going to dump you if you don’t straighten up.’ And so, you stop seeing your grandmother all together. You tell her not to call you, not to come by. And then you find out, she’s telling all your aunts and uncles, “What are we going to do about Destiny? She’s become such a terrible, rude child. She’s always rude to me just because I tell her my opinions. And she gets angry for no reason. And now she’s trying to tell me to stay out of her life. We need to do something about her.”

And now I find myself crying when I think about it. I’ve never let anyone’s words get to me. Ever. I’ve always been perfectly happy with myself. But now that I have noticed that she got to me, I can’t stop thinking about it. Trying to talk myself out of it. I don’t know what else to do....