COMICS TO WATCH IN 2014: Comedians You Should Know This Year

We're experiencing a golden age in comedy.  With comedy booming on television, film and the web, it's hard to keep track of all the great rising talent.  VSB reveals up-and-coming comedians with the potential to headline arenas and sitcoms of their own some day.  Enjoy our exclusive list that points you in the direction of the most poignant and prolific stars of tomorrow.

5. James Diego, the building super

James started his comedy career as an impressionist, mimicking some of the residents in the building who gave him a hard time. Now he enjoys a more broad range of joke telling with topics from plumbing to weather humor. If you request the Mrs. Perkins impression, you probably will get it! Good stuff James!

4. Mary Jones, the insult comic

Diabetes won't slow Mary down! She is the fastest rising insult comic in the country. Mary grew up surrounded by abject poverty and drug cartels; she has a thick skin and assumes you do too. In her racy style of sexual and ethnic humor, Mary isn't afraid to be controversial. She badmouths all types of minorities including racial, homosexual and her personal favorite: "fat people."  Mary's well-known catchphrase "I don't give a shit." can be found on cardigans and visors sold at her shows.  

3. Ray, the guy from the deli

You may have heard some of Ray's material last time you ordered half a pound of Provolone at the deli. His cheese-themed jokes played so well with customers, he has decided to bring them to the stage. Lucky us! Ray has that natural charm that makes the moms swoon. His humor is family friendly but warning: it sometimes gets cheesy!  

2. Chris, your dad's friend from the office

Chris Williams can not be stopped! Monday-Friday "this guy," as co-workers call him, can be found cracking jokes left to right and front to back within his cubicle. Some say he is starting to "excel" at making jokes the whole office can agree on (besides Sheryl, but who cares about her, right?!)  Williams started a blog back in December called "What Would Sheryl Do" which caught the attention of all ranks of people in the office applauding him for his candid observational humor.

1. Nina, your friend's kid

Nina's first word was "fuck" and second word was "mommy." This 6 year-old comedian is angry about the way women are treated in the industry but will not let it slow her down. Her confrontational humor is a hit on the playground and in the classroom alike. Nina has been on the club circuit for about 2 years now and is starting to gain a cult following of men in their 50's. You go girl! 

Farah Brook wrote this. 

https://twitter.com/farahbrook

North West Admits To Botox

North West, daughter of Kim Kardashian and Kanye West, has gone public with her latest news that, yes, she gets Botox. North West told reporters "If it makes me feel better about myself, nobody else should have a problem with it." West claims that at almost 2, she is old enough to decide. "I'm not hiding anything, as a baby you are plagued with aging skin, it's a personal choice and I'm happy with mine." 

North West addressed rumors head on and has been celebrated by the baby community for her honesty. "I wear sunscreen, don't smoke and take care of myself. I also get Botox."

Farah Brook wrote this.

Follow her on Twitter @farahbrook

7 Surprising Health Benefits Of Having Sex

The health benefits of sex extend well beyond the bedroom. It turns out sex is good for you in ways you may never have imagined.

When you're about to get down, it's a sure bet that the last thing on your mind is boosting your immune system or maintaining a healthy weight. Yet sex can offer those health benefits and more!

1. Lose weight

Walking home alone at a late hour by yourself is great exercise. Not only are you moving, but it's a quiet hour of the night/morning and a bit sketchy. Fear increases your metabolism, burns calories and keeps your brain awake and alert. Someone is either following you or just walking home too, but either way it's got you sweating. Studies show that lean people fidget for about 150 minutes a day more than obese people do, so: science. Holding your cell phone to your ear to create the illusion of a fake phone call can increase arm muscle definition. The faster you walk, the sooner you will get home safely and the skinnier you'll be! 

2. Forces you to take that shower you needed 

You weren't going to take a shower, but now it is a necessity. The feeling of filth crawling up and down your skin is so present that you even wash your feet this time; something you usually leave to falling soap from other body parts. Friends and co-workers compliment you on "looking less tired today." You notice a lot less resistance to the hugs you are giving people. All around, you feel fresher than ever, realizing that cleanliness is a positive thing for yourself and those around you. 

3. Improves sleep

You'll feel so depressed you won't get out of bed. You may sleep for a full day, you may sleep for a full week!  Sleep improves memory, lowers stress and improves bodily functions. You won't make any more bad life choices because you'll be under the covers where everything is safe and warm. 

4. It can boost your immune system

It is science that the more disgusting bacteria you expose yourself to, the stronger your body gets for fighting future disease. Researchers at Wilkes University in Wilkes-Barre, Pennsylvania, found that having sex with a disgusting slob of a person with questionable hygiene may subject you to the germs your body needs to get stronger. They found a 60 percent increase in antibodies that bind to pathogens after the nastiest of germs first enter the body, summoning the immune system to destroy them. 

5. Relieves stress

This person will no longer text and/or call you. You were stressed about how to answer, what to say to sound indifferent and whether or not this was becoming something serious. Well, relief has arrived! This will never be anything more than what it was: an unfortunate meeting of two bodies ill-fit to create pleasure for any party involved. 

6. A deeper connection to family

You feel so empty and alone you decide to call your grandma you haven't spoken to in a few weeks to make sure someone out there still loves you. Oh does Granny have a lot to update you on! Fran's skirt was a little too short at the Ladies Community Tennis Match and Barbara's granddaughter is finally engaged which reminds her, maybe you will be soon as well. You dodge that question and feel comforted to know "you can call your Granny any time." Maybe next weekend you will go relax by her pool instead of having sexual encounters that wreck your mental state, but probably not.  

7. More regular doctor visits

You found a bump and it might be AIDS. You schedule a doctor's visit immediately and once you get to the office are relieved to find out it's just Chlamydia this time. While you are there, you get a full check up and remember it can be very beneficial to keep up with your health. The doctor reminds you to keep hydrated this summer and refills your Xanax prescription. You feel better than ever! 

5 THINGS TO DO INSTEAD OF HARASSING WOMEN

Sometimes you just can't think of anything better to do than harass a woman. If you find yourself in a pickle, use these handy alternatives as a guide to being a better person.

  Cat calling may seem fun and harmless to you, but it may feel threatening and intimidating to her. But maybe you just can't help saying something out loud when you see something you like? In this case, adopting a cat is a great option for you. You can tell this cat how beautiful she is out loud all day long! You can whistle at her, tell her that she has "nice tits," you can even say "suck my dick raw girl you sooooo sexysexy with that big fat ass." No problem! 

If it ends up feeling weird for you to say those things to a cat in the comfort of your own home, reflect on how weird it was when you said those things  to a person in public. 

Are you thinking it would be a good idea to put drugs in someone's drink so you can have sex with them against their will? How about finding a nice rooftop and smoking a joint instead? You definitely need to chill. Relax, appreciate the view and realize sex will feel better with a partner who is awake. Even if that doesn't seem like it will happen any time soon, surely it will happen sooner if you are not a person who rapes people. 

Grabbing pizza is awesome! Grabbing another person's human body without their consent is INSANE! Keep your hands to yourself and to pizza. Think more cheese, bread, sauce and less see, touch, grab.

Don't Worry, Bead Happy! Beading jewelry can be calming, creative and enjoyable. Beating a woman is not any of those things. Make some sweet necklaces. Go crazy: make an anklet! Splurge on some really nice beads, dude. Create something beautiful instead of bringing physical harm to a woman and everyone wins. 

Grapes are nutritious and delicious! From red to green to purple to seedless, there is such a variety to choose from. Grapes contain powerful antioxidants that are good for your health. Grapes also contain fiber, which is essential for minimizing constipation.

It is obvious that eating grapes is a much better option than committing rape. If you feel differently, please seek professional help immediately.

If professional help does not change your desire to rape someone, maybe consider killing yourself and no one else. Life may just not be the thing for you. 

___________________________________________________________________

Farah Brook wrote this.

https://twitter.com/farahbrook

TOP 5 WOMEN TO BE CONSIDERED FOR LATE NIGHT REPLACEMENTS

Stephen Colbert is replacing David Letterman and oh how happy we are.  But who will replace Craig Ferguson?  Who will take Colbert's slot?  We also hear Chelsea Handler is leaving her show. VSB has put together a diverse list of contenders that we think would serve to bring a much needed female voice to the late-night world. 

1. Jerry Seinfeld

Jerry, or Jer as we like to call him, has always expressed a desire to see more diversity in comedy. As a late-night host he could put those thoughts into action. He might have a woman on the show, or better yet, a person of color! Whatever Jerry decides to do, we will be happy because the show will be dictated by his perspective, one we can all relate to: that of a white heterosexual man. 

2. Alec Baldwin

There is nothing America loves more than a farewell to public life followed by a comeback months later on a major television network. Baldwin has made a splash in the media lately with his public good-bye and some offensive remarks geared toward the transgender community, which just goes to show you: the perspective of a white heterosexual man is never limiting! 

3. Louis C.K.

Okay, maybe he isn't a woman, but man is he hilarious! He is also a mexican immigrant which is basically a woman, but better! Louis CK is good at everything he does, so why not give late-night a shot? He even  has a history of letting women work on his projects. Plus, everyone in America can relate to his experience as a father as well as his experience as a white heterosexual man.

4. Jesus Christ

He's the most popular man in the world, and now he just may be your new late-night host! Jesus Christ has been portrayed as a Superstar many times and you know what? He likes it! "I've tried almost everything but this. It would a new experience I could thrive in and I could reach my audience in a whole new way." Christ reported to us here at VSB. 

5. Donald Sterling

Donald Sterling is Hollywood's new favorite bad boy.  Racism this, racism that!  America won't even remember those offenses next week after Kim Kardashian does something even more shocking than appearing on a magazine cover!  He may have gotten banned from the NBA, but that doesn't mean he was banned from NBC, ABC, or CBS.  Sterling has a perspective we could always use more of in late-night: that of a white heterosexual man. 

  There are more females than males in the United States population. That being said, 12 out of 13 late-night comedy shows today are hosted by a white heterosexual man.  Why you ask?  We bet it's because staying up until 11pm is past most ladies' bedtime. Or maybe it's something else--but probably just the bedtime thing. 

Farah Brook wrote this.

@farahbrook

WAITRESS RECEIVES MOST INCREDIBLE TIP OF A LIFETIME

There are generous tips, and then there are incredibly generous tips.

At a Red Lobster in Rhode Island this week, one very surprised server received the latter. 

On Monday, waitress Melinda Harris served two of her regular customers and was shocked after receiving an incredibly generous tip from one of them: "Quit this job." 

"I couldn't believe it. It was the best tip anyone has ever given me in my seven years working here," Harris told VSB in an exclusive interview following the event. "It is a blessing I am so thankful for...this tip has truly changed my life." 

The giving customer said the big tip was something she had always hoped to give someone deserving some day and Ms. Harris fit the bill.

"There was a feeling of sadness surrounding her and I felt she could use a boost," said the customer who wished to remain anonymous. 

Stories of large tips have flooded the news in the past year, but this one tops them all. Money can only go so far. Giving people advice they didn't ask for is a gift every server hopes to receive. 

See some of our other favorite tip stories below:

Farah Brook wrote this. 

https://twitter.com/farahbrook

HOW TO TAKE THE PERFECT SELFIE: A Step by Step Selfie Tutorial

We get thousands of people every day asking us "How can I take the perfect selfie?!" VSB did extensive research so we could bring you the tried and true best methods for taking the perfect selfie that people will "like" and "favorite" for years to come.  

1. Reconsider your choice.

How many people are truly wanting to see a picture of you today? How long has it been since people saw you in person? If they haven't made an effort to see you in person, maybe they don't want to see you at all. A 'selfie' sounds more like something you want than what other people want, so maybe just take it for yourself and stare at it while you sit on the toilet, no need for sharing after all!  

2. Find your light.

If after reconsidering, you still want to take a 'selfie' then finding the best light possible for your picture will be important to you. We here at VSB suggest lightning and getting as close to it as possible. Get so close that you might kill yourself! Let's make this 'selfie' electric! 

3. Location, Location, Location.

If you are still alive after getting close to that good lightning, you are going to want to make sure you find a nice, clear location for your selfie. You are alive but someone else isn't. Find a way to incorporate a dead person into your picture so people have something interesting to look at. Other people at the site might give you dirty looks, but remember taking a 'selfie' is about you and absolutely nobody else.

Reminder: having a casket in your picture will keep people much more interested than just a picture of you alone.  

4. That good angle.

Make sure you are holding your phone at just the right angle to show off your best features.  

*****The next step is a VSB EXCLUSIVE so pay close attention!!!

Smash the phone into your face several times directly. Keep going! The harder the better. Hit yourself very hard with the phone. If the glass breaks, keep going! 

5. Filters are your friend!

A great filter can make all the difference when taking any picture. Our idea of the best filter for a 'selfie' is one that blocks out the picture completely. Most people don't want to see your 'selfie' even though you think they do. With the blackout filter everyone wins!!!

And there you have it! The perfect 'selfie' for you and your friends to enjoy!    Please comment below with your success stories.

Farah Brook wrote this. 

https://twitter.com/farahbrook

BEYONCE ADMITS 'DRUNK IN LOVE' SUNG IN CHARACTER

March 6th, 2014

In an exclusive interview with VSB, Beyonce admits that her hit song 'Drunk in Love' does not truly portray her actual personality, relationship or general attitude towards life. 

"The lyric 'I've been drinking, I've been drinking' actually came to me while working on my new years resolution to drink more water.  You cannot underestimate the power of hydration for your average mom, wife and superstar." Beyonce told VSB exclusively. 

"I figured people would understand I was singing in character given that I do not wear a grill, have not frequented a club since 2002 and having breastases for breakfast would not be an option high enough in protein for Jay's demanding schedule."

When questioned about the steamy music video featuring intimate moments with her real-life husband Shawn Carter (Jay-Z to some) and their somewhat raunchy performance at the 2014 Grammy Awards, Beyonce responded by saying:

"I'm a performer. I just show up, put on the costume they give me and do the choreography they tell me to. I want to make sure I stay connected with the youth because there is a lot of money in that. I'm trying to put some money aside for my daughter's college fund.

"The one and only lyric in the song that represents my real life is about 'foreplay in the foyer'" Beyonce said, "For some reason it just feels better in there."

Beyonce Giselle Knowles-Carter is a 32 year old mother, wife and worldwide pop sensation. 

Enjoy Beyonce's Grammy 2014 performance here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LaVeoJt0jfI

Or the more accessible Emoji version of 'Drunk in Love' can be found here:

https://vimeo.com/88073857

Farah Brook wrote this. 

https://twitter.com/farahbrook