We Had A Bonding Moment

kitty paws

no thoughts head empty

i am crying i can't breathd

i know i already reblogged this today but this video has more emotion in it than my university-level acting classes

This is obviously about Phasmophobia but I actually prefer it with no context

imagine hiring an assassin and they talk to you in a customer service voice

“Hello, how can I help you today? Wonderful, can I get a first and last name? And how would I spell that? Awesome. And would you happen to have an address for this individual? And place of work? Fantastic.

Now, I’m going to give you a number, and I’m going to ask that you send in a photo of your target alongside any additional information you may have- family members, security, combat training, medical conditions, just anything you can think of that might be helpful.

Wonderful, you are all good. All we need now is a piece of government-issued ID, for insurance purposes, and a location for payment pickup. We accept cash, gold, processed uranium, and etransfer.

I’m sorry, we don’t take american express.

Good, okay, so it looks like we are all set- when the job is complete, you will be notified VIA discreet codeword that a stranger will whisper to you on a crowded street.

We do not issue receipts, but if you’d like, I can arrange for a specific breed of tropical flower to be sent to your home address. Our associates will be able to validate it should the need arises.

And is that everything you were looking for today? Great! Thank you for coming to us. Have a nice day!”

Alternatively,

“I’m sorry sir, but I’m afraid the Pope is a high-status target that is beyond our area of service.

Yes, I- no, I’m sorry, I’m not able to do that for you.

Okay. Okay. Yes, I understand.

Sir, if you’re going to use that sort of language, you should know that our HR department does operate in a hands-on capacity.

Wonderful. You take care.”

They create a perfectly normal call cemter staffed by decidedly amoral college students and paying them at least 4x minimum wage.

hiring manager: you’re not concerned about the ah, services we offer? 

a college student who has eaten ramen twice a day for the past year: for $25/hour i’ll pull the trigger myself

college student who transfers to the assassin department:

Look at what you did, you gave a dog an existential crisis 

THE LONG, FORLORN STARE OUT OF THE WINDOW AT THE WATER IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWED BY THE “HELP” SENT ME