What happened
Since the beginning of this year, I haven’t really been able to make anything. Sure, I’ve dabbled here and there, drawn a few pixels, edited the draft of the story for writers group, but I’ve had to force myself to do all these things. Even the thought of working on something harder made my brain shut down. I was terrified to make anything.
In other words, I burned out. It was a combination of NaNoWriMo, perfectionist expectations, general exhaustion, impostor syndrome, and family health issues (everyone is fine, by the way). It sucked having the desire to be creative but feeling just completely dried up. I wanted to sit down and work on enemy AI, but couldn’t bring myself to even try. It wouldn’t even be that hard; I have the framework and everything. But I couldn’t do it.
A few weeks ago, I grabbed the audiobook of The Neverending Story on a whim. It’s a favorite of mine, though it’d been many years since I last read it. If you’re not familiar with the book, it’s pretty different from the movie–the movie follows the first half of the book, but then goes off in a different direction for the end (and there were awful movie sequels that were only vaguely connected to the book).
The second half of The Neverending Story is very strange, and a lot of people don’t like it. The pacing slows way, way down, and the adventure gets even more surreal and weird. I love it. The protagonist grows in a fascinating way–learning who he is, learning what his deepest desires are. In order to do that, he has to make wishes.
His first wishes are to be strong, handsome, impressive, and adored by the masses. But over time, these wishes change him for the worst, and he literally begins to forget who he is. And in the end, he finds these aren’t things he really, truly wanted. He only thought he wanted them, but they ended up hurting him.
While reading about this character discovering what he actually wanted, actually needed, a knot inside me sort of… untied. My own path hasn’t been one-to-one with that of the protagonist of The Neverending Story, but the combination of rereading one of my favorite books and seeing him go through a similar creative journey affected me in a really healing way. It made me think about making stuff and why I do it and what healthy motivations look like.
This post won’t have anything new from me, quite simply because I don’t have anything new that’s shareable at the moment. But I still want to share something!
First, if I can be honest with you: it’s hard to see other people making Zelda-like games faster and better than I can. A few were published on the Switch, making me feel like I missed my window because I’m too slow.
I try to ignore that jealous part of me whenever it rears its ugly head, but it’s still there. It’s jealousy rooted in fear, and that’s not healthy. There’s more than enough room for other people to make games (yes, even if they end up better than mine!), and so–maybe for my own health more than anything–I’d like to share some of these wonderful people making wonderful Zelda-like games with you. Please go check them out! :)
- t3nshi’s working on The Steamhaven Chronicles, a Minish Cap-esque take on the Zelda formula
- dicey’s making Tunic, which you might have seen at E3 and has an adorable fox!
- naemo is working on Desecrated Light, which has one of the most gorgeous pixel art styles I’ve seen
- Nathanael Weiss made Songbringer, which looks super cool, and it’s already out!
- Juice is working on Mistiqa, and I’m always impressed by how quickly he makes progress and how much varied gameplay he has
- Fervir is creating Elysis, which has a really fluid-looking item/combat system
- ITTA’s jammin’ on Itta’s Gun, which is probably more of a Hyper Light Drifter-like game than a Zelda-like, but close enough
- Aloft Studio is creating Hazelnut Bastille, which is very LttP-ish and has a crazy variety of items!
What now?
From this point on, I’m going to make more of an effort to just make the game as I can. I won’t force myself to make every #screenshotsaturday and #indiedevhour (that didn’t work anyway). I’m going to give up expectations for follower count, likes, favorites, retweets, reblogs, freaking out trying to calculate the most effective time to post, all that stuff, because in the end, that stuff doesn’t matter. Not really. I’m not making a game to validate my worth as a person. I’m making a game because I want to, and I’d like to share it with whomever else wants to play. I think a game made with that angle will be a much truer, purer experience rather than one made by driving myself crazy trying to be perfect.
This is the reason it’s a hobby and not my job. I can take my time. I can work on the parts that I want to work on even if it doesn’t make “good business sense.” Not that I’m going to run away from difficult problems that pop up! But I’m not going to rush after success and validation. I don’t need to be admired by the masses. I just want to make a game, so that’s what I’m gonna do. And I’m gonna do it in a healthy (probably meandering) way because that really appeals to me. That’s how I started, and I wish I hadn’t forgotten that for so long.
Thanks to all of you who are here for the ride. :) I’m grateful that you see something in The Waking Cloak! I’m back in the saddle and very much enjoying it.
