this seems like a good time to officially, if not abruptly, close this blog. i could spend an hour elucidating the reasons why but you can pretty reasonably guess all of them, both practical, and personal, as well as legal. 

heres what you can do

im going to spend a few days making sure i have saved everything posted here in an accessible way for me to access later, and then i’ll delete the blog entirely. (sucks for the many secondary blogs connected to this account)

if you really truly give a shit and dont want me to disappear into the ether as something that existed in the world somewhere and then suddenly disappeared, feel free to email me - shedatesboys@gmail.com 

i make no promises regarding my probability or relevance of follow up (also, ive been planning for awhile now to make a more polished and public blog - identity openness and all! - in the future, so you if you know my writing, you’ll know me when you see me.

its been like more than 5 years guys. 

you got to see a completely naked stranger for like 7 years.

i mean, it worked for me. hope it worked for you too. :)

signing off! your intrepid girl reporter.

i have so many new stories already.

weird not to be telling them to anybody.

do they even count if i’m the only one who knows?

seeing the manifestations of stress on the human body, whether one consciously “feels” stressed or not, is flat out blowing my mind. 

no one ever pays attention to the crap i post on fb, but i posted a story of me with the guy ive been hanging out with and several people i never even talk to came by to looky loo

i think capn is mad at me for some reason and now i have no one to talk to all day at work

one of my coworkers that i call chatty cathy stops by my office to chat for upwards of 30 minutes at a time, to my often consternation. i just went and sat in her office for 20 minutes for no reason lol

i dont want to work today

the guy in the box at my train station is really pushing me to snap at him. hes some old guy who stopped me a couple of months ago to complain that i never say hello to him as i am coming and going every day. ok first of all fuck you. but since this is not something i need to expend any energy on like most women i smiled pleasantly and played along.

and like most men he just has to be so fucking entitled about it. if i walk by the box without glancing in his direction he will occasionally tap the fucking window so that i look over and oblige him with a wave.

he has a “i really dont fucking want to be bothered when i am coming and going from a job i hate leave me the fuck alone” rant in his future if he doesnt back off.

why are terrible people so much more fascinating than decent people? i dont want to say this is a question borne from mindhunter, but i suppose it’s related.

i actually think brent was my favorite. you may have assumed it was matt, but matt wasn’t so much terrible as he was merely fucked up. brent was actively and willfully terrible. matt was fucked up and it made him a secretive liar. he was so good at it i couldn’t tell what was sincere and what wasn’t, which was complicated by the fact that he had a deep streak of sincerity despite himself. brent... didn’t hate himself. he wasn’t the usual tropes i saw so often. he didn’t hate himself, a little because he wouldn’t allow himself to see himself (which i think is a big deal and a huge red flag - but brent didn’t have a lot of that), it was more because he was too stupid to.

he was a big manipulator. and that’s fascinating. it’s fascinating because you wouldn’t think stupid people would be good at manipulating others. but bizarrely they have some kind of innate talent for it, even if they don’t understand or are consciously doing it - it’s some kind of intuitive terribleness. 

they act on terrible instincts, which subconsciously taps into the terrible instincts that decent people largely ignore. they’re so dumb it’s confusing, and that confusion plays into the machinations in a way that becomes sophisticated.

i like the idea of things circling back on each other. things being so ugly they’re beautiful, so wise they’re foolish, so clever they’re dumb. it’s a weird conundrum of humanity. 

its dark and rainy and i just wanna stay home with my cat 😭😭😭😭

i legit masturbated like six times today and it doesnt even seem to matter lol

so apparently i have a cassandra complex

what 😂😂😂😂😂

i cant face going to the grocery store today. im tired of being seen

this is helpful to none of the goals im working toward but... just cant take that long trip there and back again

conquering fomo

im not missing out; by staying home i’m completing an important step in a big, longer term plan. 

i realized something yesterday. there had been one other man in the office who left somewhere around my third or fourth month. (naturally, he shared an office with the boss.) when i first started and was trying to get some real answers about why the organization needed a consultant, a girl told me people under him keep leaving and it’s a problem and they need to address it.

its funny that they blamed everything on him, or like he was the only one responsible for the turnover problem they were having. especially since, if you are the big boss, shouldnt you be the one taking responsibility for having a worker who drives people away? i wonder if they truly believed all or most of these issues originated from that one person.

i didnt interact with him much but i knew he was a dick. he would pass my office to get to his, and i’d wave or say good morning, and he would just flat out ignore me. i hated when he even showed up he was such a malignant aura.

and the thing is,

he had been there for 15 years.

if he was responsible for so much turmoil, how the hell did he last there for 15 years? that’s longer than even how long the exec director has been the director. how did you let him stay for 15 years abusing people til they quit? last week i asked what really happened there - it was unclear to me whether he was forced out or left of his own volition. the assumption is that he was told basically to either stop being a dick or leave. apparently he chose to continue to be a dick, elsewhere.

the other thing that made me know? all of those people who left were going through the same stuff i’m going through. all of them tried to deal with it or work around it and ended up leaving and this guy stayed for 15 years. of course i’m going to have to be the one to have to leave. 

in 10 more years, the boss is going to be that same guy. he’ll have pushed me out and everyone who comes after me who can’t deal with his incompetence and vengeful reactionary bullshit. he’ll never wonder if people he manages leaves because of how he manages them, and no other reason, and they still won’t have figured out when management is the problem you have to fix or change the management.

i actually did the math this time beyond being pleased with myself for not overspending and happy with the big number. but all of my bills come out of the first check of the month. so that “extra” money is an illusion. pretty much in order to meet this month’s goal i basically can only spend 100$ til next payday lol

well, No Spend August was actually a success. i saved more or less what i hoped i would, which... if i could do it this time you’d think i could manage every time. but, actual effort was necessary to accomplish it even though in theory i’m always “trying” to do so.

anyway, the real challenge is two months in a row, so, let’s see if i can get over that hump.