Final Letter

My name is Dovie, and this is my last post. .. this is about the abuse I have suffered from a multitude of people for speaking up for myself…against abuse.

In august 2014 a game company released a new game based on fictional worlds, and included in it a disgusting display of racism and cultural appropriation. I immediately began speaking against it to the owners of the company, and was summarily blocked from contacting them. Many of you who follow me know this story, but please follow along.

I reached out numerous times to friends and “professionals/activists” within my own community and was basically ignored. One of such groups was lastrealindians , including one of their writers (who I didn’t know was one of their writers at the time), @xodanix3 / izanzanwin . I got no help and no coverage. I DID get help from those OUTSIDE of my own community by tumblr blogs takingbackourculture & dragracists . I wondered why nobody within my own community was helping, and then finally, after months of trying to pressure this company to do the right thing on my own, I got the attention of an actress, @starshineexx , whom I had felt I was having a budding friendship with. She seemed very eager to help and asked me to write up the request and that she and @xodanix3 / izanzanwin would edit it for a formal petition. They instead took my email, background information and full names included, and copy/pasted the entirety into the petition. I assumed it was a mistake and would be fixed, and shortly thereafter @delschilling from @nativetrailblazr podcast stepped in. She called me a few times and again I felt a kinship because of the work we were doing together.

Not long after this started, @xodanix3 / izanzanwin of lastrealindians wrote an article without ever talking to me, getting numerous facts about the game blatantly and embarassingly wrong, and did not mention anything about me being behind the fight whatsoever (just a reference to the petition). @starshineexx immediately posted it to the petition. I was given brief access to modify the name of the petition and post my OWN update to explain who was behind the initial push, but people still did not seem to understand.

A little while later, I was befriended by some individuals that welcomed me into a game dev group. Within the same time frame, something big happened surrounding an abusive activist and, after I reached out to a few people to ask what was happening, some horrible shit went down.

I locked my twitter account and made it private while discussing some things about the newly public abuse to make those individuals more comfortable, immediately deleted the conversations afterward, and opened my account back up. This all happened VERY late at night/early in the morning, so I didn’t have time or energy to immediately refollow everyone I’d been in contact with. I found out the next morning, exhausted from the overnight troubles, that I was blocked by lastrealindians , @xodanix3 / izanzanwin , & @lastrealindian . (I later was able to find out I was blocked because I supported an activist that was mentioned to have been dealing with the same abuse from the same abuser.)

I reached out to @delschilling of @nativetrailblazr because she had been a mutual friend between myself and @xodanix3 / izanzanwin asking if I’d done something, and reached out to the activist I showed support for. I found out from said activist and several third parties that -apparently- @xodanix3 / izanzanwin had some sort of issue with the activist she’d never let go of. When I mentioned this to @delschilling I got a basic “play dumb” response (“i dont understand what you’re saying,” which is sad because weeks later she stated on the phone that the activist I supported “knows why they’re blocked and what they did.”)

When I called out the sheer ignorance and complete bs behind this sudden pushing out and erasure, I was blocked by the devs I had been befriended by, @qh_murphy and @yeloson / @bankuei . I had posted a game idea in their closed forum and when I asked for them to delete it before blocking me, I got no response. I can only hope my copyright will hold up should they choose to copy my work.

Then, after an interview with an online gaming ‘zine, things got ridiculous. @xodanix3 / izanzanwin began shit-talking for over Three. Entire. Days. @starshineexx and @delschilling couldn’t seem to wait to join in. And people I didn’t even know jumped in, too. @VladQuigley (who actually insisted I was COINTELPRO) and @WomanistNerd (who insisted I was a sock puppet account while maintaining four separate accounts herself, minimum). All kinds of horrible abuse spewed from their mouths, and @yeloson / @bankuei joined in a few times as well.

This was also, surprisingly to me, just hours after @delschilling had asked to know more about my personal identity. I told her who my elder was, my clan, my nation. I told her where I grew up and where I started dancing. I said if she had any more questions, to call my Grandfather, who is a highly respected Cheyenne elder and spiritual leader for several AIM branches.

And none of it mattered. They all just wanted a scapegoat, I don’t even know what for. It’s as though, after a conflict was resolved, they needed more. They live off conflict. I’ve heard others say to be wary of such individuals, especially in activism, and now I know what that means.

And I’ve had nobody back me up. @AndriErlingsson continues to support them, & @derwafflemouse believes the lies. These sick people are saying the absolute worst things, hurting me, and throwing out thinly veiled threats a along with casual ableism & misogyny. Both @delschilling of @nativetrailblazr and @xodanix3 / izanzanwin of lastrealindians knew I lived in their vicinity and was preparing to attend a local community gathering with my family, including my precious baby girl. @xodanix3 / izanzanwin stated she has “told all my family & friends” about me “so they can avoid” me, but I read it is a threat of further harassment and abuse, and rightfully so. I haven’t felt safe since.

I don’t understand why humans are so cruel. I never have. I have a large capacity for empathy, but this is the single thing about human nature that had always eluded me. I’ve dealt with so much of it, for nearly 27 years before I cut abusers out of my life.

Ask my Grandfather, from whom I was given permission to get a Medicine Wheel tattooed on my shouder, and permission to jingle dance old style for the old ways. Ask my Uncle, who asked me explicitly to work in his Sundance camp (whom I would die for too). Ask the women elders there, who insisted I Sundance alongside them when I came of age.

Ask them, and they’ll tell you who I was and what my responsibilities were.

I would have happily reached out to them during all this, but I did not have their numbers or means of contacting them. Much of that was cut off from me by another abuser that worked in the community.

And so I found myself in my living room, in tears and begging for a way to make this stop. They dragged my husband into this, trying to turn his words of genuine friendship & understanding to @delschilling of @nativetrailblazr into something twisted (which is impossible to do). I fear for my daughter and am terrified to even try to go to powwow when I shouldn’t have to be. It’s unfair to steal a child’s innocence before they can even get the chance to dance at powwow. It’s disgusting and shameful but there it is.

I don’t know how to make this stop. I wrote another letter to my husband and daughter with hopes it would be enough. And I just hope they’ll be left in peace.

I hope that if anyone ever attempts to make someone feel like they’re worthless, the way @xodanix3 / izanzanwin , @starshineexx , & @delschilling have done to me, that they can find more solace and seek protection from authorities.

This is my final letter. I just hope @xodanix3 / izanzanwin is proud of the abuse she & her group have committed against me&my family.

I hope my family can continue on in strength without me here.

And I hope everyone reading this learns something about abuse. Call it out and end it when you see it happening please. You could save a life. Don’t let someone be driven to suicide the way I was.

Goodbye.