Here goes nothing. New med, low expectations.

Imagine if I weren’t me and if I could keep up with you hiking

I rehearse conversations you’ll have one day when I’m not around, with your family, as they point out ways your new person is happy and full of life

Not like that other girl

Who speaks her mind too much to a point we can’t talk.

Imagine all the things you would succeed at if I wasn’t me

Or if I wasn’t around

I’m like 30 squirrels on your back grasping, running running running

And not without pressure.

My dad has said this a lot relating to his friends that have killed them selves, and then he posted this the other day. It’s so stupid, and so weird how every time I think about hurting myself, this comes to my mind. I know it isn’t the most therapeutic thing ever but my dad really doesn’t know how often I think about it, and it’s crazy how many times knowing his thoughts around suicide have stopped me in the last couple of weeks. I will include that my father is very empathetic towards me, and I don’t think he would necessarily have these thoughts about me, but knowing how many I would hurt gets me through tonight, and think,”yeah I can deal with one more night of living”.