Things that have changed since I discovered that I am autistic
I read that it is common among newly-diagnosed autists to start exhibiting more traits - or maybe we just become more aware of our autistic traits because we no longer need to brush them aside as “quirks” or “bad habits”. Anyhow, this phenomenon is absolutely true for me. After being in denial my whole life and explaining everything away with “I’m just weird”, I am now going through the phase where I realize how many of the things I used to get mocked for are actually autistic traits. And it’s such a liberating feeling to know that I am not alone, that many fellow autists do and experience the same thing to a certain extent.
Examples of what I have been experiencing lately:
I am a lot more aware of my senses - and the sensitivities that are connected to them. I am more in touch with my body - what it feels, what it needs. I enjoy textures and tastes more intensely.
But I also notice negative sensory input more, like how sensitive I am to crowds and noises - and I allow myself to be. I am no longer in denial about being vulnerable. For example, I finally understand why I have always been so anxious when in public places (e. g. when commuting) - I think it’s because anxiety is my go-to reaction to sensory overstimulation.
I also catch myself stimming more often - because now I recognize which behaviors are stimming. And I try to allow myself to stim freely when I need to (I still struggle with stimming in public though) and enjoy the flow of energy that comes with flapping my hands or bouncing my legs or rocking or swaying or or or.
I am also less self-conscious about not being able to sit still, like, ever. I am even less self-conscious about my clumsiness because I learned about dyspraxia and it helped me understand that I smash things or run into walls not because I am not careful enough, but because of dyspraxia.
I am embracing my special interests more freely without questioning “Am I weird for being THAT obsessed with that thing?” At the same time, I am more aware when I am infodumping people - not ashamed, just aware.
I am aware of my spoon limit and try to be more kind and forgiving of myself, not pushing too many tasks on myself, cut myself some slack from time to time.
I am more comfortable with communicating my needs, and more assertive. If I don’t understand a task at work, I ask for specific instructions instead of just assuming out of fear to come across as not that sharp after all. If I can’t follow a person’s thoughts, I ask for clarification until I really understand.
And I try being less of a doormat. Due to emotional abuse and neglect in my childhood, abusive relationships and lots of bullying, I developed the desperate need to come across as chill any time, always conforming to other people’s needs instead of asserting my own. It’s baby steps, but now I am trying to a) become more aware of my needs, my likes and dislikes and b) act upon it. For example, when I am presented with two options, I try to not automatically answer with “oh, whatever you like, both options are fine with me” but instead really think about it and name the option that I actually prefer and not the one I think the other person wants to hear.
I now finally understand what it means to be unapologetically myself - for better and for worse.
Because I finally have a reason, an explanation for all the quirks and “weird” behaviors I used to be bullied and also beat myself up for. How many times have I screamed at myself internally: WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS?!?!?! Now I know why, and I know that I am perfectly fine the way I am.
