I feel like I give and I give so much, but this is one of those time where it's like, please, powers at be: mAKE SOME F'N SENSE. please please y u do dis  to me

Ramblins

I can't help but notice the awful/awesome duality of life. I mean, things seem to get simpler and simpler. But they get so much more complex as well. If I just breathe, and concentrate on now, I'll be happy. You know, make some fun decisions, go out and do something crazy, prove your life to yourself everyday, that kind of stuff....and try to write some of it down. That's all great, yes. But things get in the way...like, if I do something, is that something I would normally do? Do I need to maintain any sort of consistency for others? Do others care? Can I just make new experiences and habits mine, like that? Is it really that easy? What rules do I have to follow? What rules are there? Why does college have to be so expensive? Am I as different as I feel? Am I being dramatic? Does that matter? Shouldn't we make this big, confusing, crazy life a spectacle? Will that happen regardless? Is friendship all I'm cut out for right now? Will my inexperience compound negatively as time passes? Should I stay true to my feelings, or step outside of my comfort zone for the sake of an experience? I don't know. I just don't know. 

Answer

"Imagine you are suspended in the ocean, breathing deeply, calmly. The water is heavy upon you, but you enjoy the pressure, you welcome it. Now imagine a bass drone vibrating the waves so there is a slight but magnanimous tickle upon you. Not your skin. Almost as if the wavelength courses "through" you. And you're not speaking, there are no words, none of them are right. So you write the wrong ones in your mind in hopes that the right people hear the wrong words. They're right enough, I suppose. You don't really feel anything too much, yet you're acutely aware of how you're affected. But joy, trauma, heartache, wonder, it's all rationalized into "experience," and you leave it neutrally at that. You feel like crying for the sake of doing it. You wish to want to play, but nobody is taking any requests. You've never been more connected, but never felt more isolated. You're free-falling with no direction, no velocity, and no care. You care enough so you can't believe you're apathetic. You're vulnerable, but so content. Content in the way that death would be welcomed, not in a positive way, just accepted. That's how I feel."