gbbo judges: wow peanut butter and fruit? what a strange combination. i’ve never heard of that!

every audience member sitting at home and eating a pb&j for dinner(again):

losing my mind at gbbo doing a homemade s’mores technical. everyone’s like “oh bother they’re all so messy I got it wrong” like…babe that’s a s’more…it’s the Least Technical food in the world...if you do not turn into a Feral Being of the Woods when consuming The Mess then you’re not eating a proper s’more

Just now watching the Halloween episode. I'm sure there will be stuff that pisses me off later, but at the very beginning, all I can think is:

Typically I don’t do angry tumblr rants but this gbbo smore shit has a cold rage burning in the fireplace of my soul and the words ‘sacrilege’ and ‘heresy’ bubbling up from the depths of my being to be played on loop in mute horror like a scratched record.

So.

This monstrosity is what gbbo was trying to pass off as a smore.

This is not a smore. Look at it. It’s downright undercooked. That’s not even marshmallow. Or chocolate. It looks cold. This is about as much a smore as Cris Pratt is a voice actor. As a corgi is a wolf. As gbbo is apparently competent at research.

Also me to explain what a smore is.

For anyone who doesn’t know what the fudge a smore is, it’s a typical summertime treat often made at summercamp, when camping, or if you live in a place with a fireplace/assess to a campfire sometimes you’ll use that.

Basically it goes like this; it takes five ingredients, gram crackers, any chocolate bar with rectangular pieces you can break off (traditionally Hershey’s as it’s the cheapest and smores tend to be made in bulk, it’s one of those things a group of people make together otherwise it won’t taste right) large marshmallows, an open flame, and as previously mentioned more than one person to make them at the same time. If you make smores alone, the smores too will be sad and alone.

First you take two gram crackers and break off 1 to 2 sections of chocolate. Place the chocolate on each side, so both sides are all chocolatey. Then you take a marshmallow and skewer it on either a pointy stick from the ground or a metal skewer specificity made for roasting marshmallows/hotdogs depending on if someone has any.

Next you, well, roast the marshmallows. If you’re doing this at a campfire this involves a lot of moving away from the direction the smoke is blowing well and minor amounts of giggle-filled pvp as everyone jostles for the best spots around the fire. Mellow roasting is one of those things that is kind of the point of making marshmallows, the epic highs and lows of seeing how close to the fire you can get yours and how long you can hold it there before it either falls off or catches fire is integral to the entire experience.

Once you hastily blow out the one-fire part of the marshmallow, you slide it off the stick and between the gram crackers and chocolate. Then you squish it a bit to get the chocolate all nice and gooey, and bite in.

It’s gooey, it’s very messy, and the closer it gets to midnight the more it’s delicious.

So now we have established what a smore is, allow me to explain how UTTERLY BUTCHERED that abomination of sugar is.

First, we have the ingredients themselves. Paul Bitchwood describes the middle as ‘Italian meringue’.

Italian meringue.

Italian. Fucking. Meringue.

*deep breath*

IS NOT A MARSHMALLOW.

It does not share THE BASIC PROPERTIES OF A MARSHMALLOW.

YOU CANNOT STAB MERINGUE WITH A STCK AND HAVE IT STAY ON THE FUCKING SICK. HAVE YOU EVER EATEN A MARSHMALLOW BEFORE MR BITCHWOOD???? WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO THROW THE TOP OF A LEMON MERINGUE PIE AT YOU TO DEMONSTRATE “PAUL”?! IF IT DOESN’T BOUNCE ITS NOT A FUCKING MELLOW AND THE EFECT ON YOUR FACE WOULD BE ONE HELL OF AN IMPROVEMENT!

So already we have the single most important ingredient straight up ‘substituted’ (if you can even call it that) for an entirely different food with a completely different texture, taste, consistency, and behavior under heat.

But there’s more!

See, that chocolate? It’s not melted chocolate like you might think at first glance- no no no, that’s fucking GANACHE.

YOU KnOW, The THing With THE CoNsistenCY of FroSTING???? :) :) :)

The thing that you expressly don’t want to melt when using it in cooking on pain of death?

Thus removing THE ENTIRE PURPOSE CONSISTENCY FLAVER AND TEXTURE OF THE INGREDIENT

AGAIN!

and then. Ohhhhhhh and then.

Those are no gram crackers.

Those are ‘digestibles”

WHAT THE FUCK ARE DIGESTABLES

THATS WHAT HAPPENS TO ALL FOOD ITS NOT SPECIAL DUMBASS

WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF RICH PEOPLE SHIT ARE YOU EATING THAT YOU NEED TO POINT THAT OUT IN THE NAME

WHAT THE FUCK

AND IT AGAIN HAS A DIFFERENT EVERYTHING THEN GRAaM CRACKERS

WHY

YOU DIDN’T EVEN HAVE TO DO THAT IF YOU WANTED IT TO SOUND FANCY YOU COULD HAVE JUST MADE GRAM CRACKERS FROM SCRATCH IVE NEVER SEEN ANYONE DO IT BECAUSE WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU BUT ITS AT LEAST POSSIBLE AGHHHHHHHHHHH

And then. To add insult to injury after FUCKING injury.

It’s a circle.

It’s A CiRcLE.

WHY IS IT A CIRCLE.

IT SHOULNT BE A CIRCLE-

In conclusion; Paul Bitchywood is a fucker and a Tory and I don’t put stock in god but by whatever powers may be I hope hell exists because this fool is running a marathon to it’s center.

Here's how I, an American professional baker, would make a gourmet s'more technical challenge:

The experience of toasting the marshmallow and awkwardly sandwiching the thing between the chocolate and graham crackers is part of the experience of eating a s'more. Sure, Paul's thing "looks" like a s'more, but this isn't something that you can replicate unless you do the whole "s'more ritual."

First there was the ridiculously insensitive and poorly researched Mexican week, and now they come for the Americans with whatever the hell those things were that they were calling s'mores...

GBBO prediction for next week is that they will continue their total alienation of North America by going after Canada and making the bakers do poutine that inexplicably uses bread instead of fries while Matt bathes in maple syrup while making direct eye contact with the camera and Noel wears a moose head.

Paul Hollywood has a LOT of fucking nerve calling this a s’more.

the fact Amber was the one who didn’t want this trial to happen, but Johnny Depp didn’t give up. he knows he has nothing to hide, because he has what she doesn’t: the truth.

Justice for Johnny Depp

Milani cosmetics official, verified account on TikTok just called Amber Heard out for lying about having to use their products to hide the “bruises” Johnny Depp allegedly gave her, when their product was released in 2017 and she and Johnny divorced in 2016.

I just know someone is gonna come at me for this bc tumblrinas lurk everywhere, but I hope that Johnny Depp wins this trial against Amber Heard. She’s a fucking lunatic who needs to be stopped and he was afraid to leave, just like anyone in an abusive relationship. AMBER HEARD NEEDS TO ROT. JUSTICE FOR JOHNNY DEPP.

My hot take of the day is that y’all are spouting “they’re both in the wrong” bullshit because you’re still grappling with your internalized sexism and still think victim blaming is fine as long as the victim is a man.

Amber Heard punched Johnny Depp multiple times, threw things at him, cut his finger off, framed him for multiple felonies, smeared his name in the press, ruined his career, physically and verbally attacked him, abused him, pushed him back into depression, intentionally publicly humiliated him, and literally made fun of him because he wouldn’t hit her back after she attacked him.

And meanwhile y’all are like “well they’re both in the wrong” because he sent an angry text to a friend while he was battling depression and dealing with systemic physical, mental, and emotional abuse?! Depp, in the throws of one of the worst things a human can physically go through, with the woman he loved literally kicking him while he was down, wielding a knife on him, had the audacity to get upset and that, to you, means he was also in the wrong? Because he had the audacity to not love being abused?

Kindly stfu. Every time you say that you’re implying he deserved this.

If the roles were reversed y’all wouldn’t be saying shit about “well they’re both in the wrong” this is just your latest way to demean the suffering of male victims. How many times have you texted your girl friends jokes about killing your exes or hating all men or committing insert crime here against insert man who wronged you. Because the answer isn’t zero, and you said that despite the fact that guy probably never pulled a knife on you.

Amber Heard is an abuser. Johnny Depp is a victim who had a normal, human reaction to that abuse which was to unloaded his emotions to a friend. That is the end of the story.

Saying he’s in the wrong for that is victim blaming.

Because this is apparently stick up for wolves day.

Wolf reintroduction in Yellowstone has changed the ecosystem *significantly*.

One remarkable thing that was not predicted that demonstrates how interlinked these things are:

Wolf eat elk.

Elk eat fewer willows.

Willows become healthier.

Number of beavers increase.

Number of songbirds increase.

Overall health of streams increases.

Number of fish increases.

Water table stabilizes.

This is called a “trophic cascade” and we normally see them as bad things. But a positive trophic cascade is an amazing thing, and apparently nobody predicted this one.

What they didn’t predict was that wolf predation would keep elk on the move so they wouldn’t overgraze a specific area.

When the elk overgrazed the willows, they removed the best source of food for beavers during the winter.

Once that stopped happening, the beaver population rebounded and it turns out beavers are pretty good for the entire ecosystem.

every time i see people trying to normalize fatness by sexualizing it i think of that post thats like “what are you gonna tell a fucking 12 y/o? dont cry dude youre so thick? stop it” bc like. truly. not only do i personally not want my body to be sexualized lol but also its so harmful to kids like?? being fat is normal in all contexts not just when youre in lingerie with a beat face looking pouty at the camera like can we talk about the variances in human bodies without resorting to making them normal only when theyre sexy, my god

your body is good, not because it is desirable to others, but because you live in it

the idea of sunset curve having their drummer also sing is interesting since wasn’t that common in the 90s but i like to imagine that the boys didn’t even know alex could sing because it’s not something expected from drummers and at some point reggie or bobby couldn’t sing for one of their gigs (sore throat or something) and luke is whining that they need another voice so reggie just goes “can alex sing?” everyone sort of looks at alex and he sings the part, does amazing of course, and the boys are hyped because “why didn’t tell us you could sing?” and alex shrugs and shyly says “i didn’t realize i could”

And furthermore, drumming and singing at the same time is extremely difficult so the fact that he can sing well, play the drums well, and do them both at the same time is crazy impressive so luke’s just standing there in complete awe for a whole minute after the gig

exactly! the boys just stare him at amazed and asked how he got so skilled and alex, totally bashful and genuinely embarrassed to be getting so much attention, says “it’s not that impressive” safe to say the boys lose their shit with how skilled they think alex is because damnit he deserves the praise!

Alex is like “Oh, it’s not a big deal” and Reggie’s like “DUDE, OWN YOUR AWESOMENESS” Luke’s like “Bro, your voice is amazing! I have goosebumps. Look.” and he shoves his arms in Alex’s face and Reggie points at them like “SEE!”

If you’re an adult, do the stuff you couldn’t as a kid.

Like, me and my sister went to a museum, and they had an extra exhibit of butterflies. But it cost £3. So we sighed, walked past, then stopped. We each had £3. We could see the butterflies. And we did it was great. We followed it up with an ice-cream as well because Mum and Dad weren’t there to say no.

I was driving back from a work trip with 2 other people in their early 20s, and we drove past a MacDonalds. One of the others went “Aww man, I’d love a McFlurry.” And the guy driving pulled in to the drive through. It was wild. But it was great.

I went to a park over the weekend and I was thinking “Man, I’d love to hire one of those bikes and cycle round the park.” It took me a few minutes to go “Wait, I can hire one of those bikes!”

I guess what I’m saying is, those impulsive things you wanted to do as a kid - see the dinosaur exhibit, play in the fountains with the other kids, lie in the shade for 2 hours - you can do when you’re an adult. You have to deal with a whole lot of other bull, but at least you can indulge your inner 8 year-old.

“Friend.”

What, you don’t beg for kisses and have sex dreams about ur old school friends? Pfft, grow up 😤

An addition

Just bros being bros!

sorry that bit about “piano music has the advantage of not containing any words” imagine puting chopin through google translate and it comes out blasting montero