Terrified of showing love in fear that I'll be deemed "too much"

this won’t make sense and i don’t care. it just had to come out and this is what i was left with.

so shit has been shit. getting hurt over and over is always fun. i will be my own worst enemy. i need to stop giving chance after chance in hopes that maybe it will be better this time around. i’m done. i chose to love you. i chose to fight. but i give up. you gave up so why should i keep fighting. just friends didn’t work either. i was stupid to think it would. you did something i don’t think i could forgive you for. i honestly don’t think you’ll be able to forgive yourself for it. just know that it was the deciding factor. i should have made this decision a while ago. i knew it was coming eventually but i didn’t want it to. i needed to do it now though. as much as i still don't want to do it. 

i get caught up on the beginning. even though the situation was less than desired. i was wrapped up in you. in what you told me. in promises you made. and broke not long after. but i stayed. i had hope. i saw good in you when no one else did. fool. this is the second time i’ve been kept a secret. i should have learned the first time. i thought it would be different. fool. you told me you loved me first. that night in my basement. I froze. and kept mumbling on in conversation because i thought i misheard you. i told you that you could take it back if you really didn't mean it. you meant it. at least that’s what you said. 

broken. 

you put me though emotional hell. and partially made me believe it was my own fault for feeling the way i did. but it’s not normal to go ghost for 7 hours. over and over and over again. with the same excuse. its not normal to have to be kept a secret. it’s not normal to have your ex live in your house for almost a full year post break up. and be kept a secret for her sake. fool. i never came first to you. for the longest time she still came before me. i blamed all my emotions on her. when i should have been blaming them on you. 

the signs were literally right in front of me. but i kept pushing them away because i wanted to believe it would get better. for a moment we were happy. you broke my heart in january. and i still gave it back to you. and here we are again. my choice this time. this is for me. 

its been a while.

I want to start blogging again but I think I want to make it more of a daily journal. I have a lot of feeling I need to let out. I can’t decide if I should pick up where I left off or start fresh. Maybe even a different platform. Wordpress maybe? hmm