The Joker x Reader - Vagner

If the Joker had a twin brother, your bodyguard Vagner would be the perfect match: the two men might not look the same, but their personalities are definitely alike. That’s why you love him so much. The question is: The King of Gotham or Vagner? Well, that’s to be determined.  

You try not to speed on the streets of Gotham, but it’s hard to keep your cool considering you wish to reach Vagner’s place as soon as possible: he definitely misunderstood the whole situation and you have to let him know.

You were so startled when Vagner barged into The Clown’s Penthouse out of the blue: you were in the living room and he rushed through the emergency exit; the elevator was blocked on the 30th floor and your head of security had no other choice besides taking the stairs.

“Shit!” he bent over his knees, inhaling much needed air. “Are you… are you ok??”

“Jesus!“ you rushed by his side. “What’s wrong?!”

“Are you ok?” Vagner stood up straight, relieved you seemed fine.

“Yes, I am! Why? What’s the matter?!”

“The guys told me you left the club with The Joker,” the bodyguard muttered, still wheezing up a storm. “Giving the very profitable upcoming deal, I thought Mister J might unleash something to keep all the money,” Vagner lowered his voice while scanning the premises out of habit.

“He’s taking a shower,” Y/N touched his arm, confused about this strange expression smeared all over his face. “For God’s sake, Vee! We just had dinner; J wouldn’t do anything to risk war between the gangs,” you pulled a chair from the table and Vagner refused his boss’s offer.  

“I’m fine,” he took a few deep breaths. “Well…” and the man paused for a second, “after you’re done… e-hem… here… let us know so we can pick you up!”

“I will,” you frowned at his impertinence and watched him walk towards the emergency exit. “Take the elevator!”

“Meh…” he waved his hand without turning and made himself scarce.

Although you knew how he was, you still though: Goddamn stubborn mule!!

You stretched The Joker’s t-shirt when it hit you: yeah, you were wearing The Clown’s; at dinner time he spilled his grape juice on your dress, thus you had to wash it and borrowed the garment in the meantime.

Y/N went to the laundry room to check the washing machine when it suddenly hit: as she was glaring at the timer, the woman realized what that weird look Vagner couldn’t hide meant.

He appeared… hurt.

Since you never saw him like that, it bother you.

A lot.

You grabbed your car keys and ran to the elevator in such a hurry you even forgot about your shoes.

So here you are waiting at another red light that does nothing else except slowing you down.

“Come on!” you hiss, frustrated. I mean, you shouldn’t really trouble for Vagner. He had quite the nerve barging in on your quiet evening and interrupt a fun night! The truth is The Joker can be fun…when he wants to.

Unlike Vee!

The same person that found you aimlessly wondering around the house after you pulled your wisdom teeth out at age sixteen. Freshly assigned to home security, the young man bumped into you while doing his rounds.

“Miss, what are you doing out of bed?”

“I wan’ ma dad,” Y/N barely muffled some words, still high from the pain meds.

“He’s out of town, miss. Let’s get you back to your room, hm?”

“Nooo, I wan’ ma daaaad,” you faked cry and wiped invisible tears, upset your father wasn’t there. He was always gone with business which made it difficult for the teenager to cope with the absence of both parents. “I don’ have a mom and I don’ have a daaadd,” you whaled as Vee was guiding you to your quarters.

“Good gracious…” the 30 year old huffed. Stuck on the premises with the capricious Y/N in those circumstances! Ugghhh!

“I wan’ maa daaaaddd!” you protested before you returned to your bed.

“Say what now?” Vagner didn’t understand your request; your cheeks were swollen and made it harder to enunciate.  

“I wan’ my dad,” you closed your eyes, firmly clutching to the bottom of his jacket. The bodyguard couldn’t magically produce your parent out of nowhere, yet he understood Y/N was searching for comfort from a father who was hardly around.

That’s why he stood by your bed until you fell asleep and only then he detached your hand from his suit’s jacket.  

“What a pest,” he shook his head, annoyed he was the pitiful recipient tending to the boss’s daughter. As if his strike of bad luck regarding Y/N stopped there. Ha!

About two years later you were having your girlfriends over and they sure didn’t skip the opportunity to tease Vee again.

“Is your name Vagner?” Ella pretended not to remember the individual guarding the entrance to the pool.

“Yup, with a V,” the serious escort rolled his eyes under the black sunglasses.

He often liked to mention his name was spelled with a V and not with a W which prompted you to nickname him Vee.

“Well, Vagner with a V,” Aria giggled, “we were chitchatting about our future endeavors and we have a quiz for you: if by the time I turn 35 I’m not married and you’re not hitched also, would you marry me?”

Too bad for the cheerful group: Vagner wasn’t the one to falter at pointless trivialities and unfortunately, he was waaay familiar with their shenanigans.  

“Oh boy, would I?” the unenthusiastic tone made you snicker. “Does my life depend on it?”

“No,” Aria happily replied.

“Then why doom myself?” Vee cut her off and Ella jumped in:

“Hey Vagner, would you marry me then?”

“Nope.”

“What about Y/N?” she continued.

“A big NO!”

“How come she gets a big no?”

“I wonder what else is big,” Aria whispered in your ear and you snorted at her insinuation. “I personally wouldn’t reject the idea of an older guy showing me the ropes, you know?” she elbowed you.

“You’re shameless!” Ella laughed at her friend’s allusions. “I think you should tell your dad to get rid of him,” she advised Y/N a whim. “He’s stuck up!”

“I doubt my father will; he likes Vagner, he insists he’s loyal,” Y/N scoffed at her own affirmation.

Your parent was correct though: Vee proved his loyalty furthermore shortly afterwards when there was an almost successful attempt to kidnap you. The four vehicle convoy was ambushed in Silvadene forest on the way to your dad’s main hideout and you got injured. Vagner carried you in his arms for five miles of woodland in order to meet with the emergency crew dispatched to aid. You recall drifting in and out of consciousness and his voice echoing in the darkness:

“Hang in there, Y/N. We’re almost there!”

Your father appreciated Vee saving his daughter that’s why he promoted him as head of security and currently he still holds the position; you have to admit your dad wasn’t wrong about the man you’re in such a hurry to see right now.

Another red light. Really?! Are you going to be jinxed in such a manner on every street?!

You wonder if Vagner had similar misfortune in traffic as he was driving home and you smile at the memory unfolding in your mind: the 25 years old Y/N wished to continue the tradition of giving him his birthday week off to no avail.

“How old are you gonna be next week?” you asked although you knew the answer.

“Thirty seven.”

“Didn’t you turn 37 two years ago?!”

“Who keeps track?” the man’s cocky reply didn’t fail to amuse you.

“I do. Anyway, you can have the week off to spend with your girlfriend.”

“Unnecessary, we broke up,” Vee’s confession made the smart ass articulate:

“What did you do?”

“Eh, the usual,” you were interrupted thus decided to surprise him nevertheless with lunch and cake for his birthday.

“What’s all this?” he pointed out at the table in the living room.

“Food. Since you didn’t want vacation, we should celebrate anyway,” you covered his mouth because he wanted to protest. “I got your favorite,” Y/N announced and almost started singing.

“Birthday wish first then!” the sour beneficiary of your attention saw no escape from your plans. “Please don’t make her sing!” he blew out the candles so fast you didn’t belch out a single note.

“You’re rude!” the disappointed Y/N frowned at the missed chance to torment him.

“Thank you, I try my best.”  

“I’m going to have to tell my dad to fire you,” you pouted. “I don’t like you!”

“Then I’m doing something right,” the smugness annoyed Y/N quite a lot but not enough to request his discharge.

You didn’t have the occasion to do it any longer even if you wanted to on numerous instances: twenty four months ago your father unexpectedly died of a heart attack which left you the sole hair of his empire. You didn’t come out of your room for days, you didn’t know what to do and which direction to take.

But somebody was there for you no matter what.

“Vee?” you cracked the door open and he was there.

“Yeah?”

You moved out of the way to let him in before closing the door; he watched you pace around the bedroom, aware you were struggling with decisions concerning what was laying ahead.

“What should I do?” Y/N mumbled.

“There are a lot of assholes prepared to strike giving the present situation,” Vagner offered advice. “You can’t show any weakness, they will tear you apart. You know what they say: keep your enemy close.”

“You mean The Joker?”

“Among others,” he nodded. “If you don’t raise up to the occasion someone else will and it might end up badly. Look at the bright side: now that you’re the boss, you can finally fire me.”

“I won’t!”

“Crap, I was hoping for an early retirement,” Vee complained and you chuckled at his crabbiness.

“You definitely remind me of him.”

“Who?!” the clueless bodyguard was determined to find out.

It was hilarious he didn’t see it yet.

Not the same can be mentioned about The Clown: being the observant bastard that he is, his majesty noticed certain details regarding Y/N and Vagner.

For example, that time when after a meeting you got into the car and Vee held your hand to help you settle in and you didn’t let go until you fixed your dress too. J believed it was funny how none of two parties realized what they were doing simply because the intimate gesture was considered something very natural between them.

And how about the boyfriend incident? That was quite the test The King of Gotham was searching for in order to prove a specific theory to nobody but his own twisted self.

Several were attending a gathering and after chitchatting with a few members you returned to your spot and wanted your drink.  Vee reached out from behind, covered the glass with his fingers and immediately pushed it in front of Azzhov.

“You drink it!”

“Why would I drink it?” your boyfriend fussed about Vagner’s behavior. “It’s hers,” he tried to return the beverage when you stopped his movement.

“Drink it!” the menacing bodyguard grumbled.

“Are you kidding me?!” Azzhov retaliated. “Are you going to let him talk to me like this?!”

“Did you add a surprise to my drink I should know about?” you calmly demanded the truth. “Or do you act offended on purpose?”

The Joker was enjoying the show that many were missing due to the chaotic nature of such assemblies, delighted to conclude you didn’t hesitate for one second to believe Vee over your own man.

Your drink was spiked no doubt, Vagner wasn’t the sole person to have caught it: The Clown saw it also. Who knows what was in there?

As a result, you and your team abruptly prepared to leave the meeting and J felt compelled to explain his Sherlock discoveries:

“Hey Frost!”

“Yes, sir.”

“Did you notice Y/N never brings a jacket with her? She hopes her bodyguard will offer his coat?”

“Huh?” the oblivious Jonny wasn’t the person to indulge pettiness like The Joker did.

That was accurate: Vagner was quick to give you his jacket while you were preparing to bail, thus J pushed for more.

“Y/N!” he raised his voice. “I would like to hire Vagner for my crew. Are you willing to negotiate? I’ll pay a handsome sum! Or I can trade you Frost.”

“Vee is not up for any kind of negotiations, Mister Joker!” the already pissed 30 year old woman had no patience for bullshit. “I’ll keep my Vagner and you keep Frost, deal?”

His majesty wasn’t even angry at your tirade since he achieved his purpose.

“Fine, keep your Vagner,” the entitled smirk was a sign there was more to come on the subject.

So much that after Azzhov tragically disappeared, J waited a decent amount of time before inviting you for dinner at his penthouse, then spilled his grape juice all over your dress on purpose. When Vee arrived, The Joker wasn’t taking a shower upstairs: he was watching on camera the scene playing in his living room. It was Vagner’s day off yet he still showed up for Y/N, worried that something might have happened to her. And jealous, The King concluded.

The last shred of proof J needed was when you rushed after Vee, didn’t even take your shoes nor bother to inform your host know you were leaving the building; The Joker called it “spur of the moment”.

The weird idea of him being an excellent matchmaker flourished in his mind, although there was nobody around to brag about it.

So he called Frost. Who else would have listened to his aberrations without judging?

*************

“Vee?” you knock on the glass sliding door. “Vee?”

You distinguish his silhouette behind the curtains as he opens the entrance for you, surprised to see you there.

“What are you doing?!” he grabs a folded towel from the couch. “You’re soaking wet!”

“I tried the front door but you didn’t hear me. I had to backtrack around the house and it’s pouring,” you pant from the effort of keeping yourself warm while he adds another towel on your shoulders.

“I told you to call me. Us” he corrects the sentence, “when you are ready to leave Mister J’s place. Where are your shoes?!” Vagner guides you in front of the fireplace and starts drying your hair with the other towel.

“Nothing happened with The Joker,” you ignore his question because you have to get it out of your chest.

“You don’t have to explain yourself to me,” he indifferently sights. “I’m not your keeper.”

“Vee?”

“Yes?”

“Are you in love with me?”

Vagner is silent, then he lets the towel fall on the carpet. You don’t mind that he’s parting your hair so he can see you when the admits:

“I fucking adore you!”

And you also don’t mind being pulled into his arms and kissed because you know what they say:

Keep your enemies close and someone that loves you even closer.

Also read: MASTERLIST

https://diyunho.tumblr.com/post/153664676321/joker-x-reader-masterlist

You can also follow me on AO3 and Wattpad under the same blog name: DiYunho.

The Inverted Screwdriver

From time to time, villains hire Mitigators in order to help them with different issues and at today’s auction Y/N was accidentally designated to The Joker. Although on vacation, Harvey Dent’s girlfriend will have to put up with The Clown’s demands for one night because he paid half a million dollars for her services.

“I have plans for us,” Harvey shares his goal for your much anticipated vacation. “Once you arrive at the cabin we’ll have dinner, then we can skinny dip in the lake, then we’ll relax by the camp fire; afterwards madam, I must underline clothes are optional.”

“Optional?” you laugh at the quirky proposal.

“Precisely,” Dent reaffirms with such conviction there is no room for doubt. “A lady always has the option to say no to whatever she doesn’t agree with. And I’m going to respect that!”

I mean, how can you not love this guy?! A gentleman in the streets and a beast in the sheets: definitely a keeper in Y/N’s books.

“I think I’m in, senator. I don’t foresee any… any… … Hold on,” you frown. “I think I heard my name!”

“What?!” Harvey gets impatient. “You’re on vacation!”

“No kidding! I’m only here to collect my money for the past month! I’ll call you back, babe!” you abruptly finish the video conversation with your boyfriend and get up from the couch in order to address Scarecrow which always presides over auctions involving mitigators.

“Jonathan!” you shout.

“Yes?” he turns towards you and notices a very displeased Y/N.

“Did I just hear my name announced on the stage?!”

“You sure did. I said: assigned to Mister Joker for half a million dollars.”

“I’m on vacation, Jonathan!!! I came for payment on my last mission, nothing more!”

Crane mentally checks your sentence before admitting he messed up:

“Dammit, I forgot! He offered 500 thousand dollars for tonight though,” he blurs out anticipating a tantrum from your part. “Technically, according to the rules, you’ll only provide him services until 12:01am. It’s 7:07pm. Less than 5 hours, Y/N! Forty percent of the cash is yours! Tempting for less than 5 hours worth of work, hm? Come on, Y/N, I totally failed to remember you’re off duty. The Joker specifically requested you; I can’t ask for a reassessment now, can I??!!He’ll go ballistic!”

“I’m familiar with how much mitigators earn and how His Majesty acts when he doesn’t get what he wants!” you bitterly growl. “This is bullshit!” you conclude and storm out of the warehouse in a hurry, unwilling to catch up with your employer.

You might be reluctant, yet there he is: ready to climb into the SUV parked on the west side of the building.

Why is Frost helping The King of Gotham enter the car?... Dang, if Jonny would show the same enthusiasm in pushing The Clown off a cliff, your life would be better. Unfortunately, he’s too loyal thus here you are.

You approach J’s crew and barely muster the will to greet. “Hi, Mister J.”

The green haired threat grumbles a bunch of unpleasantries while adjusting his stiff body in the back seat of the car, finding it imperative to alert his mitigator.

“Y/N, we have a problem.”

Figures.

That “we“ again: each time he hires you, J likes to make his issue yours also. It’s very annoying: you’re aware you have to do your job but it doesn’t mean he suddenly becomes the center of your universe.

That spot is already taken and his name is Harvey Dent. Plain and simple.

In a few seconds you’re next to The Joker, wondering what the heck he’ll bring up to the table.

“Ride with me. After we’re done, one of my people will bring you back to your car.”

*****************

“Where are we going, Mister J?” you strut alongside the grouchy Clown and he guides you to the gym situated on the bottom floor of his penthouse.

“You’ll need something to hold on to, those monkey bars should work,” he utters and starts unbuttoning his shirt.

“May I remind you, sir, mitigators don’t provide sexual favors of any kind no matter the circumstances,” you hiss at his impertinence.

J rolls his eyes, unable to rotate his neck in order to gaze at you, still he decides to taunt:

“What about Harvey?”

“I’m a mitigator, Mister Joker, not a saint,” the honest answer makes him grin.

“Fait enough, Y/N!” and you kind of jump when he lets his body thud to the ground on the mattress below the monkey bars. “Humph!” he grunts in pain.

“Are you ok, sir?” you approach to aid because his behavior is weird; stranger than usual to be specific.

“Nope, broke my back last night. I reckon on numerous occasions Harvey praised his woman to be an excellent masseuse. He said you work miracles with your feet. So hop on my back and make it better.”

Ahhhhhh, that’s why he couldn’t move. Mystery solved. I guess if he wants to spend a fortune for a massage… it’s his money. Aka money he certainly stole from someone else but you’re not the one to dwell on such trivialities.

You remove your stilettos and cautiously step on J’s back, immediately perceiving a strong crack.

“Wow, this is pretty bad Mister J.”

“Told ya’!!!” he struggles to speak with the sharp pain knocking the breath out of him.

You realize you’ll regret digging dipper into it but you can’t avoid inquiring:

“What happened, Mister Joker?”

Some huffing and puffing as your circular motions make his bones pop, then The King begins to narrate the story of how he winded up in this state.

“As you know, I’m quite adventurous in bed.”

Note to self: you already regret it.

“I heard about this new position called The Inverted Screwdriver and I had to try it.”

Yikes, it’s worse than you thought.

“Hmm, doesn’t sound familiar,” you pucker your lips, intrigued.

“Exactly; I had to experience it for myself and see what the hype is about. Holy crap!!!” J yelps when his muscle shift under the skin, giving his shoulders much needed relief.

“Better?”

“A little bit,” he moans while you continue to hail for a swift outcome of your present appointment. “Oh, maaannnn,” The Joker sighs, “you do have magical feet.”

“After I’m done, try not to move for 30 minutes, sir. Just lay here, then take a hot shower and relax in bed until morning time. Ok?”

“U-hum.”

“And please don’t retry The Inverted Screwdriver,” you point out. “What the heck is it anyway that messed you up so badly?” Y/N has nothing better to do than to appeal to The Clown’s pride.

“I’ll show you,” he makes an extra effort to reach for his pants and pulls them down, underlining the next scenario. “You have to help me with the boxers.”

“Huh???!!”

“Pull my boxers off, then squeeze under me, I have to be on top. Although it may result in further injury, I’ll make an exception and demonstrate the difficult maneuver.”

Is he…for real???!!! Maybe you shouldn’t hope Frost will push The Joker off a cliff, you should do it yourself.

“Mister Joker!!!” you hiss. “I’m not going to have sex with you, understand???!! Just tell me what the move is about, there’s no need to display your skills!!!”

“How dare you yelling at me?!” the vexed King scolds. “You were the one snooping around in my private affairs, I merely tried to satisfy your curiosity!”

Wow, he truly lost his marbles!

“Sir,” you accentuate each word, “I didn’t ask for anything intimate, if you want to tell me verbally it’s fine; if not, I’m leaving and you find someone else to fulfil this petty task of massaging your screwed up back. Deal?”

“You can’t abandon me!” The Joker mumbles with the face buried in the mattress. “Even if it’s not the usual errands, I paid for your expertise. Just do it! I’ll verbally tell you,” J mocks. “Serves me right trying to perform a very altruistic public service,” he mutters as you reprise your massage. “If it was Hervey, you wouldn’t fuss about it!”

Well duh! Of course not: Harvey treats you like the princess that you are.

You didn’t pay attention to Dent’s charm until one of your friends, a mitigator also, had to mention the obvious:

“I’m a firm believer Dent has a thing for you.”

“Pfft, I wish,” the clueless Y/N elbowed Amalia.

“He does! You know how I know? Each time someone else calls him Senator, he gets pissed because he doesn’t like to be reminded of his past. When you call him Senator, not a peep out of him. He’s coming our way; quickly, test my hypothesis!”

You don’t know why you listened to her, still you opened your mouth and exclaimed:

“Good morning, Senator!”

“Good morning, Y/N!” Harvey smiled and rushed towards the warehouse where the weekly auction was taking place.

“Love is in the air,” Amalia chuckled at her friend’s baffled reaction.

Turned out she wasn’t far from the truth: at that auction, Harvey purchased your aptitudes for an entire week. You though he must’ve had quite the project but you were wrong.

“I actually don’t have anything going on,” he informed while you were walking together in the direction of the parking lot. “I know you are always busy and you deserve a vacation. I’m going to my cabin by The Red Lake; if it pleases you, you’re welcomed to come and check it out; I’ll text you the address. If not, enjoy your days off regardless.”

“You spent a ton of money for me to do nothing??!!”

“I think it was money wisely spent,” Dent winked and left a perplexed Y/N in the parking lot, weighting in on his suggestion.

When you didn’t show up at his property in the first day, Two Face was more than disappointed. When you didn’t show up the second day, he felt the universe was against him: bad stuff happened for so long he desperately wanted something positive to materialize in his life.

It was late evening when Harvey went for a swim in the lake and as he was returning to the shore, he gasped noticing Y/N waiting for him.

“Nice place you have here, Senator!” you shouted so he can hear you. “How’s the water?”

“Warm!”

You took off your sandals, stepped in the water with your short summer dress and swam until you were so close you wrapped your arms around his neck.

“I got a cramp in my leg,” you crinkled your nose and he bought it.

“Let’s get out of here; hold on to me!” the concerned Dent tried to swim but you stopped him.

“Let’s float here for a while. It’s beautiful outside.”

It was complete silence for a few seconds, then Harvey articulated with such vehemence it instantly piqued your interest:

“When I was DA and running for office, I had a great speech about how to protect the environment and save natural habitats; my whole campaign evolved around it.”

“Did you?”

“One of the best I ever wrote.”

“Can I hear it?”

“Now?!”

You nodded a yes and genuinely got pulled into the vivid discourse that lasted for about 20 minutes.  

“Are you bored yet?” Dent laughed and Y/N held him tighter.

“Not at all. I would vote for you.”

“Would you?” the pure happiness on his face made you kiss him.  

How many can relate to being turned on at a first date by a political speech? Not too many.

But Y/N can. That’s why Harvey is special.

Unlike The Joker. If only someone would toss him off a cliff…

**************

Three days later

“Jesus!” your boyfriend protests as you snap one of his muscles in place.

“Shit!” The Joker wheezes when your foot presses on his messed up back.

You’ve been massaging both for the last half hour, irritated your night is ruined.

Why?

Well, you told Harvey about The Inverted Screwdriver and what it did to The Clown so you can both make fun of his misfortune. It was hilarious until he decided to try it and BAM! Out of commission.

On the other hand, J didn’t listen when you warned him not to attempt the accursed position again, thus his stubborn ass ended up at your house. His team loaded J in a truck and brought him over so you can perform your miraculous massage on him.

Perfect timing because Dent is also a victim of his own ego: pfuuuu!!! You’re so mad at them!

Goddamn Inverted Screwdriver!

“More wine?” The Joker’s girl pours the red liquid in your glass, offering much needed compensation for your troubles.

You halt and guzzle down the alcohol, firmly keeping your balance on top of the guys that hate each other’s guts, yet have no choice but to be nearby due to this unprecedented occurrence.

“I’m sick of glaring at your ugly mug!” Dent admonishes The Joker.

“Likewise!” J switches his position only to hear more complains:

“That’s even uglier!”

“Oh my God!” you stomp on both their backs on purpose, screams of pain following your revenge. “Can you please shut up?!”

“Yeah, zip it!” Cianna reinforces your request: she’s not thrilled about the situation either.

You have no idea why she stays with The Joker or what she sees in him; he’s the epitome of obnoxiousness.  

“After I’m done, try not to move for 30 minutes. Lay here, then take a hot shower and relax in bed until tomorrow morning,” you report the small group.

“I’m not taking a shower with him!” J argues out of the blue.

“Nobody suggested that!” Harvey tries to shove his nemesis further from his body.

“And I’m not sleeping in the same bed with him!” The Joker continues to spit out nonsense.

“What is wrong with you?!” Two Face yells and you hop off their backs, fed up with the bickering.

“I’m taking Y/N away from here,” Cianna scoffs. “We’re going to have dinner downtown! You two can’t do too much anyway and she deserves a break.”

“Have fun, honey!” Dent grunts while crawling away from The Clown.

“I forbit it!” the latest has the opposite reaction to a girls night out.

“Nobody cares, Joker!” your man’s words are heard before exiting the house.

“They’re driving me nuts! I don’t understand this obsession with The Inverted Screwdriver!” you bitterly growl.

“Tell me about it,” Cianna agrees. “It’s literally so lame! It does nothing to me!”

“Same!” you dig in your pocket to make sure you have the car keys. “Completely useless!”

“God, sometimes I feel like throwing J off a cliff!” the frustrated woman vociferates her hardships and she doesn’t comprehend why you suddenly look delighted.

That’s because brilliant minds think alike.

Also read: Masterlist

https://diyunho.tumblr.com/post/153664676321/joker-x-reader-masterlist

You can also follow me on Ao3 and Wattpad under the same blog name: DiYunho.

The Joker x Reader - Chaos

You adopted this strange hooman about one year ago. How did that happen? It’s pretty simple: although you never wanted to be near people, something prompted you to change your mind, thus The Joker ended up with the spunkiest cat in the world and you ended up with one of the worst individuals on the planet. Absolutely puurrrfect.

You’ve been hanging around a remote cabin in the woods until it turned out it was actually one of The Clown’s hideouts.

You thought it was weird when there was suddenly movement around the property:  a bunch of people securing the area plus the patio door finally opened prompted the curious cat you are to gather the courage and explore the house. You sneaked inside, immediately freezing when you saw the green haired man digging in the fridge.

After a few seconds the hooman noticed you also and slowly walked towards you, reaching his hand out but that didn’t go well: you rushed under the couch, wondering if inspecting the cottage was a very bad idea.

“Hey kitty-kitty,” The King of Gotham kneeled in order to see you and you backed out more. You weren’t sure what he was up to when the man suddenly disappeared, only for you to discern he left a bowl of milk in front of the sofa a minute later.

Oh, wow! You didn’t have milk in forever!

“Get out of there, kitty,” The Joker encouraged you. “Don’t you wanna eat?”

Mmmm…maybe?...

“Aren’t you fluffy!” J exclaimed at the sight of the furry cat. He patted your head and you didn’t like it.

“Not now, hooman!” you hissed and he snickered, amused.

“Feisty pest,” he scolded and watched you scarfing down the milk which was done pretty fast. Then, you went to examine The Clown. You sniffed his shirt, then your whiskers touched his fingers while he scratched under your chin. Wasn’t too bad because you jumped in his lap and purred, completely taken aback when the hooman made similar sounds.

The ears going straight up made him smile.

“What, you think you’re the only one that can purr?”

J checked you out, searching for a collar but there was none.

“Do you belong to anybody?”

“Meowwww.”

“Probably not, hm?” he grumbled at the tangled fur. “Do you have fleas?” The Joker checked.

“Yes, hooman and I love to share them,” you licked your front paws and meowed again, spending a lot of time on his knees.

A couple of hours later The Joker and his team decided to return to Gotham and you were placed in this fancy, purple car with leather seats. J didn’t have a cage for transportation, yet he figured you will sleep in the passenger’s seat for the length of the trip.

Yeah...no!

While he was busy spewing orders before departure, you clawed the leather a million times, adoring the feeling of tearing apart every inch of it.

The Joker was speechless when he laid eyes on your masterpiece in all its glory.

“My…God!! What have you done?! Bad kitty!!!” The Clown reprimanded and hopped in the vehicle, proud of your achievement. “Great job! I wanted to change the seats anyway,” he petted the audacious cat that was preparing to run in order to avoid punishment.

As far as you remember, that was the instance when you decided to adopt the hooman: he was different and encouraged misbehavior since he welcomed mayhem in his life. Perhaps that’s why he named you “Chaos”; you ended up with this beautiful gold collar encrusted with diamonds: one side has your name on it, the other states “property of Joker.”

I mean, you let him have it: poor delusional King, he thinks you’re his property when in fact it’s the other way around.

After enduring cleaning, grooming and shots at the vet, he wouldn’t expect you to put up with anything else, right?

Nothing is truly safe, including the Christmas tree. You glared at the beautiful lights and ornaments forever, marveled at the sparkly objects. J was excited at your reaction: he took eight videos of his kitty mesmerized with the shrub and the exact moment you attacked is immortalized on his phone.

“Here we go!” The Joker cheered at the menace climbing the huge tree, shattering several crystal ornaments and breaking a few flimsy branches on its way to conquer the giant.

His crazy laughter echoed in the penthouse, obviously thrilled at what he was witnessing. Anybody else would have been livid, but not J. That’s why next day you brought him a present: a dead bird you caught on the terrace straight into his bed early in the morning.

“For me?” he calmly inquired and squished you in his arms against your will. “You’re such a rascal. Good job, I have to wash the sheets anyway,” The Clown kissed your nose and you struggled to escape his embrace until you broke free.

He watched you in awe bringing his sleepers over to the bedside.

“Hurry up, hooman. I gave you my bird, I’m hungry!”

Meow, meow, meow, meow he heard and rolled out of bed.

“Sheesh, hold on, I’m coming!” The Joker complained yet he followed you.

You have to admit you did a decent job training him: he’s not perfect, still… he’ll get there.

The same thing can be said about the woman that keeps coming over; you adopted her too. You had no choice, they are both quite helpless.

And they fight a lot.

Thanks goodness you’re around since she uses you as an excuse to visit after she storms out promising she’s done with him!

You’re also the reason why Francesca was worried sick after you disappeared. She broke up with J for the millionth time, then she found out you were gone and wanted to help find you. That’s how J and his girlfriend reunited again. How did that happen?

The Joker took you to the cabin again and let you roam around freely, only you didn’t resurface at night fall. Oh boy, The King of Gotham was ballistic! You were gone and he organized a humongous search party to comb the entire land without any success. You just vanished!

They looked everywhere without any success, thus eventually the crew had to give up and leave the premises.

The Joker had a hard time adjusting to his post-Chaos life, he couldn’t stand not having the mischievous fluff ball in his home. He often returned to the cottage, upset the cat was gone until one day a miracle occurred.

He stepped out of the car and who darted out of the woods and ran by his side?

U-hum!

“Where were you???!!” The Clown frantically squeezed the pet he didn’t see in months, kissing the soft fur every few seconds. “I was sure we’ll never cross paths, you little monster!”

“Why would I leave?! I spent weeks training you!” you replied and he perceived a bunch of meowing. “I went deep in the forest, I missed it,” you explained although J didn’t understand. “Where were you, hooman?” you cuddled to his neck and The Clown Prince of Crime didn’t recall the last time he was totally happy like he was in that moment. “I have to show you something!” you sled off his hands and guided him at the shed situated on the west side of the cottage.

“Holy crap!” The Joker wandered at the six tiny kittens guarded by their father.

“Maaawww!”

“That’s why you abandoned me, huh?” J grabbed the male cat and held it at eye level. “Are you responsible for this?”

Jax (that’s what the green haired individual named him later) is a mellow dude, that’s why you like him.

“Meowwwwwwwwwwwwwwww,” the cat yawned and you told him:

“This is my hooman, the one I told you about!” Chaos rubbed her body against The Joker’s leg, actually pleased to meet him again.

“Mawww, mawww, mawww,” Jax whined and he was put down in a hurry, the mad man trying to avoid scratches inflicted by the new cat Chaos brought into his life.

Yup, the great King didn’t have another choice besides brining home the other animals.

Jax also got a collar and a cozy bed to share with Chaos and their small kittens, yet he’s not impressed with The Joker to the present day.

“This is our place,” the male cat points out. “Why do we have to share it with this hooman and his girl?!”

“We adopted them,” you stretch, careful not to wake up the babies. “We can’t just kick them out of the penthouse!”

“I know, but this is my territory! Ours!” he corrects himself when you snarl.

“They’re so vocal,” Francesca elbows The Joker in a faint attempt to patch things up after they had a horrible argument today. “What do you think they’re talking about?” she scoots closer to him.

“Dunno…” the grouchy Clowns replies. “Cat stuff…”

“Aww, look how he takes care of her,” she giggles watching Jax licking your head. “I wish you’d let me take care of you,” Francesca touches his busted lip: J got into an altercation last night and it didn’t go very smooth.

You guys should see the other person!

“I don’t need anybody to take care of me,” The Joker bitterly pushes his girl away and she’s on the verge of crying.

“Oh no,” you shrug. “The hooman is messing up again. Quickly, help me get the kittens in their bed.”

“Why?” Jax questions your proposal.

“We adopted these people and we’re responsible for them, that’s why! I have an idea.”

Francesca sniffles, her attention diverted by the older cats bringing the little ones in the big bed.

“What’s going on?” J brushes his fingers on top of the soft furs, pretending not to notice Francesca “accidentally” keeps touching him while petting them too.

“Not sure, but this is very cute,” she giggles and wipes her tears, distracted by your strategy.

“Go cuddle with him, I’ll cuddle with her,” you urge Jax and he protests:

“No, I don’t like him!”

“I said now!” you yawl and Jax is fast to obey.

“I think the babies will get cold,” Francesca takes advantage of the situation as you hoped, closing the gap between her body and The Joker’s. “We have to keep them warm.”

No other sounds coming from The Clown so she tries one more time:

“You know who you resemble right now?”

“Who?”

“A crazy cat lady.”

No reaction for a split second before The Joker bursts into laughter, genuinely delighted by her remark.

“Awesome,” he nods in agreement and you have to acknowledge it is awesome indeed: thank heavens you adopted the hooman, otherwise he would end up worse than being… a crazy cat lady.

Also read: Masterlist

https://diyunho.tumblr.com/post/153664676321/joker-x-reader-masterlist

You can also follow me on Ao3 and Wattpad under the same blog name: DiYunho.

The Crimson Witch

When The Joker asked The Crimson Witch to cast a spell for him, he didn’t think it will turn his life upside down. Today, The King of Gotham decided to go back and see the sorceress again in order to demand a voiding of the contract. There is one problem though: The Crimson Witch never reverses her magic.

The Joker holds tighter to his briefcase filled with diamonds and money, slowly working his way up the hidden path leading towards the middle of the Crimson Forest. Not too many are aware where to search for the woman that is difficult to persuade in fulfilling wishes anyway: she does what she wants, when she wants and rarely allows access to her lair.

“Where the hell was it?...” J mumbles to himself, trying to recall the exact spot he conjured The Crimson Witch last time before realizing he’s been going in circles for the last hour. “Shit!” he exhales, frustrated.

The Joker looks left and right although it’s useless: the landscape offers no clue on his whereabouts and he’s aware this might be one of her tricks to keep unwanted visitors at bay. No need to check his cell phone or compass: absolutely nothing works in these accursed woods! Not if one’s purpose is to encounter the sorceress…

The King of Gotham is already exhausted, thus he attempts to get the woman’s attention:

“Crimson Witch! I have a treasure with me! All yours if you help me! Can you hear me???... ... … Heeellllooooo????”  the echo dissipates in the depths of the wood, soon killed by the thick mist creeping on the ground in The Joker’s direction. In moments, he can’t see inches in front of his face; makes him wonder if he’ll find his way back to the car.

There’s definitely a very unnatural element about the fog and J stumbles around, unwilling to linger in a forest that doesn’t stomach him.

“Goddammit!” he cusses at the sharp branches snagging his expensive clothes, dreading to weight in the last option:

If The Joker gives her what she truly desires, will she let him in?

Might as well give it a shot, otherwise he’ll aimlessly walk forever without a resolution in sight.

And he can’t afford to return home in the state he’s in.

The Clown Prince of Crime takes a knife from his pocket, the small cut created in the palm of his hand releasing drops of blood splashing on the cold soil.

“Come on… come on…” he mutters while hoping the sacrifice will please The Witch enough to grant him an audience. Nothing happens for a few seconds, that’s why he gasps when the blood starts moving like a tiny snake at his feet. It’s hard to discern in the murkiness, yet he manages to follow the trail carved by his own blood until he almost bumps into the huge stone gates emerging out of nowhere.

The King of Gotham contemplates his next objective not thrilled about being face to face with The Crimson Witch again: God knows he’s not easily startled, yet she has a strange effect upon everyone laying eyes on her.

J is no exception.

He has to use all his strength struggling to pry the entrance opened and finally recognizes the familiar corridor leading to the humongous room guarded by stone dragons on both sides all the way up to the marble stairs where the sorceress awaits. The train of her red dress floats an inch above the floor and it’s so long that it literally covers everything behind her. It seems…alive.

The Joker notices the eyes of the dragons moving as he passes by, low growls accompanied by uncanny screeches making him reconsider the abrupt decision of pushing for a meeting in HER kingdom. The blood his majesty spilled is crawling closer and closer to you until it’s absorbed by the dress you’re wearing: a positive sign his sacrifice was accepted.

You sniff the air, quite surprised to recognize the stench of despair; it’s weird since he usually reeks of indifference.

“What is it that you want, Mister Joker?” the woman’s unfriendly tone greets the unwanted guest.

J takes a strenuous breath, laying down his affliction:

“Last time I was here I asked you to erase my memory regarding something…I can’t remember what it was of course, but… but I have the feeling I forgot such important details it keeps me up at night: I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, I can’t think!”

“Can’t be that important if you wanted it gone from your brain, hm?” your entitled smirk clashes with The Joker’s twisted personality.

“I want you to reverse the spell! I must remember what I forgot, do you understand???!”

“Oooh, I do understand,” The Crimson Witch changes her mood also. “I’m sure you’re aware I NEVER reverse my magic!!!”

“I’ll give you this suitcase!” J interrupts. “There’s a fortune in here! I can get more!”

“No!!” you sneer at his entitlement.

“You have to do it!!! I’m the King of Gotham and I order you to…”

“Order me?!” your sinister laughter hurts his ears as it bounces off the thick walls, slapping him with almost physical manifestation. “Your title means zero to me, Mister Joker!” the angry enchantress warns The Clown of his transgression, yet he’s too mad at her refusal to perceive the danger.

“Did you curse me?” he has the nerve to accuse you out of the blue. “Is that what’s eating me from the inside out?”

“Curse you??!” The Witch’s composure reaches a threshold the green haired man shouldn’t unleash. “Why bother? You hardly worth the trouble of being spoken to, Mister Joker!!!”

Ignoring all common sense, The Joker takes out a gun from his coat and doesn’t have a chance to point it at you.

“Be gone!!!!” The Crimson Witch casts him out of her domain and he lands on his knees in the woods, dizzy from the debilitating whiplash.

“Ugghh…” he groans in pain, letting himself fall in the grass; J makes an extra effort to roll on his back, glaring at the grey sky above without any kind of relief on the horizon. He’s so doomed. So tired. So hopeless.

What the hell did he forget?...

Unable to move anymore and pushed to the brink of death, The Joker lays in the silky grass almost losing consciousness when your face suddenly hovers over his.

“You’re pathetic!” the displeased Crimson Witch hisses. “I’m only doing this because the children keep asking about you!!”

The Prince of Crime can’t process what’s happening: all he distinguishes now is your red dress. Red… just like blood.

*************

The first memory hit The Joker with such intensity his rotten heart stopped for a few seconds; in the daze, he recalled the red dress: the most vivid red… just like blood… belonging to the infernal Crimson Witch.

She came for The Joker when he wasn’t even in the forest; he summoned her since he didn’t have any other choice: ambushed and separated from his crew, J got shot and barely made it on a dark alley close to Gotham’s outskirts.

The Clown collapsed there and knew that without help he would die before his henchmen found him thus he settled on calling upon the sorceress. J figured he had what she fancied: it was literally oozing out of him so maybe she’d answer his plea.  

“Crimson Witch! If you can hear me, show yourself!”

Nothing happened and he laughed at his own absurd idea of trying to get her to aid.

“Heeeeyyyyy, Crimson Wiiitchhhh!!” the almost delirious Joker chuckled while staring at the puddle of red liquid forming near him. “I need help!”

The sloshing noise forged by his blood gravitating towards the seam of her dress made him gain enough clarity to articulate:

“… Take it, mmm? It’s not that I can put it back... You can ask for…for …whatever you want…I’m in a bit of a pickle,” J found the strength to gesticulate at his wounds.

No reaction from your part besides the eerie movement of the outworldly dress. “Are you gonna watch me die?” his crocked smile froze half way through the sentence, the blood loss making The King of Gotham faint.

You actually debated if you should watch him die without taking any action, yet he was fortunate to wake up after two days in a very unfamiliar place: your infamous castle.

You were in your favorite room, gazing at Darko’s portrait above the fire place and although quiet, you heard the self-proclaimed Prince of Crime nevertheless.

The Joker pressed on to his bandaged abdomen with one arm while holding on to the walls with the other and halted at the view of that humongous painting The Crimson Witch was in front of: a man dressed in a red suit bearing the same pattern as her dress. He was terrifying to look at and in the same time impossible to neglect.

Exactly like her.

“There’s someone…”, The Clown tried to justify his intrusion and was cut off.

“Are you doing better, Mister Joker?” you wickedly grinned without turning. “I didn’t have time to monitor your progress; I was busy tending to the children.”

“You have children??!!” The Clown blurred out and his astonishment prompted you to scoff.

“I do: I take kids and bring them here.”

“Take them?...” J’s fuzzy mind couldn’t put two and two together besides an offensive phrase. “Like…like in Hansel and Gretel?...”

You bursting into laughter as if it was the best pun ever stunned him: it was so surreal it felt like a punch in the gut and he had to bend over, coughing up a storm.

He was lucky you didn’t consider it insulting.

“No, Mister Joker,” your temper immediately switched. “Not like in Hansel and Gretel!!”

He didn’t know back then, but actually The Witch saved abandoned or abused babies and children from gruesome fates: she raised them in her castle until adulthood, then found them safe homes they could go to.

Why?

Because she was a firm believer innocence had to be protected at all costs: the merciless Crimson Witch was also very merciful, incorruptible and perfectly diabolical to the few humans aware of her existence.

“Are you related?” The Joker shifted your attention at the canvas depicting Darko: he noticed your disposition reversed for the worse when you replied to his stupid question. He was anything but dumb and perceived the dangers of making the vile sorceress angry.

“Yes,” you responded. “This is my older brother Darko, the last Witcher.”

“Last?...”

“As in there are no more Witchers, Mister Joker; he was the last one. Only three witches left too.”

The Crimson Witch didn’t tell The Clown her two older sister used forbidden spells to annihilate all the Witchers and enchantresses in their mad quest for power: Darko died saving his favorite sibling by casting the Underworld Curse upon her. The incantation consumed him yet it worked: Y/N didn’t perish and she won’t as long as her red dress keeps assimilating blood willingly given to her.

Such a wretched outcome for a loving brother to provoke his own demise by damning his own sister in order to rescue her.

That is the undeniable paradox of The Crimson Witch: despite the malediction cast upon her, she never demands a sacrifice; it’s always voluntarily offered.

And she never reveals her secrets, that’s why moments after disclosing a tiny detail about her past it was erased from The Joker’s memory. He went back to his first thought when he walked in the room:

“There’s someone… in the mirror in the bedroom where I woke up, it’s freaking me out! A young woman calling for her mother.”

That definitely got your attention and you hurried towards the quarters disregarding the incapacitated Joker following your tracks.

The full size antique mirror showed a girl in her early twenties, she appeared to be in a bathroom. Ready to prick her finger with a needle so she can offer drops of blood upon the lit candle, you stopped her before she did it.

“You know I don’t request blood sacrifices from my children,” your soften voice brought her to tears.

“Mom, you came! I thought you won’t come…”

When the children she raises leave her, The Witch allows them each to summon her three times when in peril during their life span. Amelia, a baby you found abandoned in a dumpster years ago, already used up her tokens.

“I always come if my children need me,” you reached your hand to caress her cheek. She covered your fingers with hers, sobbing. “What’s the matter, child?”  

“Mom, he won’t let me leave,” she whispered while peaking at the door she locked.

“Who?”

“My boyfriend… He thinks I’m cheating on him, he took away my keys and my wallet and won’t let me out of his sight. Last night he pushed me on the floor, he was outraged for no reason. I’m so scared,” Amelia bit her lip and you frowned at her confession. “Please help me, mom!”

She jumped when the strong knocks on the door almost made the flimsy latch unhinge.

“What are you doing in there, huh? Who are you talking to? Open up if you know what’s good for you!!!” he yelled and you tightened the grip on her face because she was uncontrollably shaking.

“Don’t move, child. What’s his name?” 

Amelia screamed when he kicked the door opened, determined to punish her for not obeying his command.

“Don’t move!” you firmly kept her steady within your grasp. “I need his name!”

“Mark!” you were given the answer.

Amelia’s boyfriend rushed to grab her and froze when noticed someone else in the mirror’s reflection, not his girlfriend’s: it could’ve might as well be the devil himself.

“Close your eyes, child!” and Amelia dug her nails in your skin, discerning a few words her mother was chanting.

“I conjure the souls of the dead against one unworthy of walking the Earth…” and then she couldn’t comprehend the words anymore.

The sound of crunching bones compelled The Joker to back out in astonishment for he witnessed something nobody had before. He tripped on the carpet and fell, the woman’s hateful warning spoken loud and clear:

“If you’ll ever be on the other side of the mirror Mister Joker, hurting one of my children, the same thing will happen to you!!”

*************

The Joker is trying to open his eyes, finding it hard to regain consciousness after his brain has been flooded with a million things that were canceled from his neurons, including the horrible fight he had with The Crimson Witch: uncapable of understanding why he kept going back to her, it was easier to accuse her of witchcraft. That insatiable need to be near her translated into him wrongly convincing himself she bewitched him when in fact it wasn’t true.

In the heat of the moment The King of Gotham offered a huge payment if she would delete everything related to their relationship. That, of course, included the kids. What kind of father wouldn’t consider the repercussions of a decision taken lightly just because he’s too paranoid to think straight?

The Joker of course.

He also reckons Y/N ‘s bitter acknowledgment:

“Don’t worry, I don’t need payment!! It’s free!”

That’s right, he recollects now… Slowly opening his eyes and still laying in the same spot he landed when he was casted out of your castle, J remembers his offsprings; forgetting about his family left such a void in his heard he couldn’t function for weeks: Emma, Kase and Mia, plus their mother that wears the infernal red dress since The Crimson Witch is actually… his wife.

  Also read: Masterlist

https://diyunho.tumblr.com/post/153664676321/joker-x-reader-masterlist

You can also follow me on Ao3 and Wattpad under the same blog name: DiYunho.

The Joker x Reader - “Heart”

Mister J’s girlfriend escaped from a high security prison two days ago and the authorities have no idea how it happened: the truth is the outgoing investigation has reached a dead end. This highly classified matter can’t find a reasonable explanation for the prisonbreak following a series of baffling events.

The Vault

“Yes?” the CIA inspector Daniels wiggles in his chair at the faint knock, aware the individual requested for today’s classified briefing is on the other side of the door.

“FBI Special Agent Kane is here,” the secretary announces before letting in the impeccable suit.

“Sir!” he greets while the woman makes herself scarce because she knows they won’t talk until she’s gone.

“Lock the door,” the inspector growls before inviting Kane to take a seat. “Did you read the file?” he immediately goes straight to the point.

“Yes, sir. I did.”

“The reason why I called you…Mmmm…there are several aspects of this situation we did not include into the original report.”

“I figured,” Kane’s answer prompts the inspector’s urge to share the extra information he’s eager to pass along. “You’re familiar with The Joker’s plans to rob Gotham National Bank three months ago went down a different path than expected.”

“U-hum,” the FBI agent acknowledges.

“The seif was equipped with a sensor enabling an explosion to take place as soon as someone stepped on at least 5 pressure plates leading to the main vault: there is no way to get to it unless you walk on them; a secret feature only the bank owner, Bruce Wayne knew about and security team leader that installed this feature. Wherever The Joker got his info, of course it didn’t include any of this: there’s no blue print mentioning such trigger. Obviously, after the fact, now we know about it,” Daniels sighs, frustrated. “The blast was meant to seal the exit, trapping thieves until cops were able to apprehend them. Something went wrong because the detonation messed up half the vault also: The Joker got caught in the explosion and died from internal injuries while his girlfriend survived since she was further inside the metal box.”

Kane wonders if new details will emerge soon thus he pays attention to the projection screen displaying images behind the inspector.

“This is where the SWAT team found The Joker and Y/N,” the inspector indicates the north corner of the vault. “She managed to pull him from under the rubble and he was pronounced dead at the scene: head resting in her lap and still holding her hand. They had to break his fingers in order to separate them. Y/N was in shock, didn’t react in any way besides uttering the words: ‘ I would have… eventually.’ Since in custody, she’s been into a catatonic state, didn’t say a word besides mumbling the same phrase a few instances.”

“What does that even mean?” Kane frowns.

“Probably nonsense,” the inspector types on his laptop in order to show the FBI agent intriguing facts that baffle him.” What you are about to see defies any explanations we came up with so far, that’s what we need the FBI input on the whole affair.”

“Certainly,” Kane agrees, wondering about the video depicting you sitting on the bed in your cell dated 3 weeks post incarceration.

“The medical assistant was trying to collect a blood sample,” the inspector narrates. “As you can see, he’s quite rough, not exactly the standard procedure.”

“Holy…!!” the FBI agent exclaims when the nurse unexpectedly flies over the room, violently crushed against the bars one second later.

“Six broken ribs, fractured shoulder and a twisted ankle,” the aftermath is presented to Kane. “Y/N didn’t move, she didn’t react in any way. What do you think caused that?”

“I’m… I’m not sure…” Kane mutters in disbelief.

“There’s more,” the inspector clicks next on the video file and continues: “This occurred 2 weeks after the incident in the middle of the night at 12:07am. Y/N’s prison gate suddenly unlocked and she got up from the bed, walked outside and roamed the East corridor until the personnel seized her.”

“Was this maybe an inside job?”

“Nope, tripled checked and everyone was cleared; it wasn’t an inside job. She got moved to a more secured area, same thing happened,” the camera footage displays Y/N cell door suddenly opening in the middle of the night and her walking out. “And she got moved again… voila!” Daniels puckers his lips at yet another puzzling circumstance of the detainee strolling outside her cell, shortly recaptured afterwards.

“Did you scan for hardware or software malfunctions?” Kane asks, although he’s confident they did.

“Over and over; the equipment is the best quality, no errors encountered. So you understand our dilemma. And the night she escaped… that’s the cherry on top!” the inspector takes a deep breath, replaying the video that bothers him more than anything else in his entire career. ”The segment you’re about to witness is the burden of my existence for the moment,” the 51 years old huffs. “Two days ago, at 11:08 pm, the gate to her cell opened. In the same time, the ambush created by The Joker’s henchmen trying to breach security in order to get her was in full bloom,” the screen split in half illustrates the carnage simultaneously unfolding with your breakout.

“What is that?!” Kane gestures at the images, fascinated.

“You noticed?” the inspector bites his lip at the disturbing revelation. “It appears there’s someone in front of her and she follows. This is a thermal picture: only Y/N; you switch to normal transmission, it seems there’s a person guiding her through the maze of hallways in order to avoid being captured. This is infrared: just her, you change to normal view… I’m positive you can conclude for yourself.”

“I’ll be…” Kane leans over on his chair, totally absorbed into the mystery. “What the hell are we looking at?!”

“Beats me, that’s why we require FBI’s aid on this rather delicate matter until we recover the fugitive.”

************

I would have…eventually

They were actually The Joker’s last words, the last sentence he ever said to you. Authorities might believe what Y/N kept repeating was a bunch of gibberish, yet for her it meant something: a phrase related to J’s stubbornness and his unwillingness to comply with the simplest request.

“I know you love me, you don’t have to say it,” you’d lecture an indifferent boyfriend.

“Here we go,” The King of Gotham would acknowledge his ordeal, listening to your tirade nonetheless.

“It’s obvious you do, don’t try to deny it!” you would get so worked up it amused him. “If you don’t want to articulate three words, fine! But what you can do is draw a stupid heart next to mine,” Y/N’s finger would eagerly scribble a heart on the steamy mirror after taking a shower. “Then I’ll be 100% assured of your affection.”

“Who?!” J teased as he was drying his hair with a towel. “And why are we having this conversation in the bathroom?!”

“I’m trying to make it easy for you, ok?” you would hiss, annoyed. “It’s a fair compromise!”

“Very easy,” The Joker grinned. “Let me see…” he cracked his neck like he was preparing for some elaborate workout routine. “Hm…” J debated and shortly there was a little obscenity next to your masterpiece.

“Really?!” the angry woman stomped out of the bathroom with The Clown shouting:

“Come on, Pumpkin. I need practice!”

He needed practice alright; you gave him numerous chances for him to make it up to you. Did he? Naaaahhh.

After weeks of him refusing to fulfill your demand, you gave up on the idea because it was useless: J was a stubborn mule and he wasn’t going to participate in your mind games out of pure spite. You stopped the ritual and of course, The Joker had to underline his affliction:

“How come you don’t bless the steamy mirror with your heart, Princess? I couldn’t wait to exhibit my skills each day!”

“Yeah, with crap! Pretty clear to me you don’t take it seriously. I’m done!” you brushed him off although it was upsetting The King of Gotham was a jerk regarding an issue that was very important to you.

“I would have…eventually,” J found it wise to justify his cockiness. “You’re the one that quit, it’s your fault our art project won’t come to fruition!” he blamed you for his failure to yield.

“Do you think it’s easy to encounter love and keep it?” Y/N inquired and that’s when he realized you seemed hurt.

“Why do you keep on brining this up, Pumpkin?” it was his turn to bite. “I tolerate you, that should be enough.”

“Tolerate me?!” your voice trembled. “You tolerate the weather, J! You tolerate allergies, spicy food, a holiday you can’t stand, you name it! I’m your Queen and at least you should admit you have some feelings for me. God forbids you do that though!”

“What feelings?” the sarcastic Joker puffed.

The slammed door made him roll his eyes.

“Tough crowd,” his majesty maliciously chuckled, super excited he made you snap out of your silly scheme to admit a truth he believed was an aberration.

**************

Heart You stretch your legs under the comfortable blankets, the reality slowly settling in.

6am… so early… but you can’t sleep any longer. It’s quiet at the hideout you were hauled to after the gang came to break you out of the high security prison three days ago.

Weird things happened and your brain has difficulty processing some events; most of days you spent incarcerated were numb, dull and repetitive due to being stuffed with meds supposed to help with your frail mental state.

J was gone… How could anything replace him?...

And then Frost didn’t make any sense when he disclosed the guys were dumbfounded when they bumped into you on the 1st floor; you told them one of them guided you towards the exit but Jonny insisted nobody made it that far inside the building. The squad forced their way in and it wasn’t easy to make it where you met them: the prison was a fortress!

Plus…you were the only one knowing the passwords for a lot of online accounts and locations for The Joker’s stash, so they had to organize an ambush: your men wanted to get paid and continue to get paid regardless of their boss’s demise. As long as Y/N is alive, the show can go on. The problem is that the show sort of halted for The Queen, no desire to continue with anything. At least for now…

“Are you awake?” Frost makes his presence known.

“Yes, I’m awake,” your nose emerges from under the covers and Jonny reckons you look exhausted.

“Barely touched dinner,” he points at the take-out box left by your bed the previous evening.

“I’m not hungry…”

“You have to eat, Y/N,” Frost settles a new container with breakfast from your favorite restaurant on the nightstand, deciding to test the waters. “If you don’t eat, you’ll…”

“…Turn into a monster,” you finish what J used to tell you on a regular basis: he always insisted that you have to munch on food because he didn’t want to deal with your temper while having an empty stomach.

The sad smile on your face gradually vanishes, giving way to tears and Jonny hands over the Kleenex box he spotted on the floor.

“Do you want me to get rid of some of his things?”

“No,” you shake your head, blowing your nose in the tissue. “His things stay.”

“As you wish.”

“Any updates on what they did with him?” you sniffle and unfortunately Jonny doesn’t have a clue.

“No, nothing yet. We are trying hard to discover if he was cremated or buried in a cemetery.”

“Do you believe he’s in one of those freezers they have in morgues?” the devastated Y/N searches for a comforting answer and Jonny has a hint on why she’s so restless: The King of Gotham hated being cold.

“I hope not…”

“Me too,” you keep wiping your eyes whilst the subject is redirected towards an interesting twist.

“We’re all over the news. The authorities are trying very hard to find you and they offer 1 million dollars to anyone that has any valid information on your whereabouts.”

“Screw them,” you dismiss Frost’s attempt to cheer you up. “I think I’ll take a shower and then I will spend the day in bed.”

“Don’t forget breakfast,” he takes the hint and makes himself scarce as you whisper:

“Yes, dad.”

Y/N drags her feet on the carpet, the objective of enjoying a hot shower on a chilly, early morning constituting the highlight of the day: not too much to be excited about with everything that transpired following The Joker’s death during the heist.

You turn on the water and sneak behind the glass panels, the droplets quite invigorating and you surely need the boost of energy.

A faint clatter noise makes you scout the bathroom.

“Frost? Is that you?”

No reply. It wouldn’t be Frost anyway, he’s not the type that would invade your privacy unless there’s an emergency.

You come out of the shower, the thick steam concealing what you are about to find; as your fingers reach for the toothbrush, you finally notice it: a heart on the foggy mirror.

You’re uncertain how to react since logic defies any interpretation you could come up with about how the drawing ended up here. Unless…

“J?... …” you hesitantly scribble a similar shape before bursting into tears.

The truth is The Queen might not know where The Joker’s body is, but one thing is clear: his heart is where it belongs.

Next to hers.

 Also read: Masterlist

https://diyunho.tumblr.com/post/153664676321/joker-x-reader-masterlist

You can follow me on Ao3 and Wattpad under the same blog name: DiYunho.

Thank you very much 😊, that's very nice to hear!💕 I'm happy you enjoy the stories and the cute scenes 😉

The Joker x Reader - “Starlight”

The Joker’s daughter grew up hearing the story of The Prince and Princess that lived far away in the Starlight Kingdoms; often Emma can’t even fall asleep until her mother narrates the fairytale she loves dearly. One could say Y/N is a very inventive parent since the fantasy she describes made The King of Gotham addicted to her saga also.

“Is the hot chocolate done?” The Joker sneaks up behind you with a very important mission entrusted by his offspring.

“Almost,” you smile while his arms wrap around your waist.

“She said don’t forget the marshmallows.”

“I won’t,” you chuckle at the six-year old’s reminder: Emma loves to sip on hot chocolate before going to sleep, especially since the customized cup engraved with gold letters “Pumpkin Pie” was a gift from her dad.

“And she wants the story,” J rests his chin on your shoulder, helping you stir the delicious beverage.

“Again?”

“U-hum. She can hear the magical fairytale and after she dozes off we can make some magic on our own in the master bedroom,” the silver teeth softly bite on your neck.

“Is that a proposal or a promise?” you tease his majesty out of habit.

“Both, I suppose. I’m not the one to brags still… I do have some aces up my sleeve.”

“I love surprises,” you wink and snatch Emma’s treat from the counter, heading over to her room with The Joker purring to himself all the way up to second floor of the house. Before you enter the quarters, J pinches your butt and you almost drop the cup.

“Jeez!” you snicker at his mischievous grin.

“Mommy?” Emma calls because she heard the whispers.

“Yes, honey; I’m here,” you push the door open and walk next to her bed, handing over the sweet liquid.

“Thank you, mommy,” she slurps a little bit of hot cocoa as she watches her father taking a sit on the pink sofa.

“Are you staying for story time daddy?” Emma inquires.

“Oh yeah,” The Joker admits without hesitation since there’s no way he’d miss on it.

Another swig of tasty delight and the little girl places her mug on the night stand, informing:

“I’m ready, mommy.”

Y/N caresses her hair and starts the saga her family loves so much.

“Many, many years ago, veeeery far away from here there were two realms at war from the beginning of the universe: The Starlight Kingdom Above and The Starlight Kingdom Below.”

“Why were they fighting, mommy?” Emma interrupts: she likes to ask questions or add details she remembers from your previous depictions of the narrative.

“Who knows?” you lift your shoulders up. “That’s how it was in their world; they were powerful beings living on distant stars and conflict was the sole purpose for these immortal entities.”

“But one day something magical happened, right?” your daughter’s hopeful tone prompts huffing from her dad.

“Indeed, honey! It was both magical and wonderful: The Princess from The Starlight Kingdom Above fell in love with The Prince from The Starlight Kingdom Below.”

Emma giggles and bites on her lip, excited:

“Did The Princess look like you, mommy?”

“Probably,” you agree, aware it makes it easier for the mini Pumpkin to understand.

“And The Prince looked like daddy?”

“Definitely,” J’s arrogance takes over. “Handsome and flawless.”

“Ughh,” you mumble and continue. “Instead of welcoming such unexpected prospect of peace, the councils from both empires opposed the horrendous idea; to them, the concept of love was uncharacteristic to their kind. The Starlight Kingdom Above didn’t take any special measures besides stating their objection, yet The Starlight Kingdom Below went a different route: they accused The Prince of treason and decided to punish him in the worst way possible.”

Emma gasps and covers her nose with the blanket, waiting for the segment that makes her tiny heart race faster.

“Even if The Prince was a powerful sovereign wielding unimaginable forces, he was caught off guard when the council attacked him by surprise: they briefly announced the verdict and quickly carried the sentence. They erased his memories and cast him in The Void, a portal meant to beam him into deepest corners of the universe so that he will never be found again.”

J scratches his chin, meditating at your revelations; he dreads this segment of the fairytale as much as his daughter does.

“The last image The Prince saw was The Princess floating amidst the dark skies, her armor and spear shinier than all the stars around. He wanted to tell her so much but he didn’t have a chance: he was pushed into The Void and vanished.”

“Oh no…” the six years old whimpers, upset.

“Nobody predicted what happened next,” you cheerfully enlighten the mood and Emma glides up her pillows, impatient for the sequel. “Shocked to see The Kingdom Below performing such a horrendous act, The Princess sealed her fate without any doubts: she rushed into the abyss and instantly disappeared also.”

“That’s all I call commitment,” The Joker’s remark evokes a sassy gaze from Y/N’s part plus admonishment from his own flesh and blood as a result of his unwelcomed intervention:

“Daddy!!!”

The Joker opens his mouth for a clever response thus you resume the story to shut him up:

“The Prince floated through space for thousands of years, asleep and alone after his kin’s betrayal, until suddenly he crushed on a small planet called Earth.”

“Yayyyy!!!” Emma enthusiastically claps and her father seems delighted too.

“Everyone thinks the dinosaur’s extinction occurred because of a meteorite that collided with this world, yet it was actually The Prince collapsing from outer space.”

“Waaahhhhhh,” your daughter is once more amazed at her mother’s disclosure.

“The Prince stayed asleep for millions of years until one day he woke up in a strange land, unable to remember who he was. All he could feel was pure hate, disgust and animosity towards everything and everyone without truly understanding why; he couldn’t recollect he was once loved. The pain and anguish of what was done to him lingered in his troubled mind, never diminishing over years. People feared him because to them, The Prince was someone you couldn’t reason with; how could they anyway? He wasn’t even human. Even if His Majesty resembled an earthling, he still looked frightening: he was an outcast on this planet too.”

“Pfftt!” J figures he has to step in and Emma shushes him, frowning.

“For God’s sake…” he mutters at the two girls in his life ganging up on him.

“And The Princesses, mommy?”

“The Princess, honey, relentlessly searched for him without giving up hope. Numerous decades passed by and there was no sign of The Prince. Although she used her Trispectral abilities, it took eons to inspect such vast territories. Do you remember what Trispectral means honey?” Y/N engages her daughter in the story.

“Yes! It means that someone has the power to exist in multiple dimensions at the same time,” the nugget blurs out, glad to share the information with her parents.

“Good job, sweetheart!” you immediately praise and J inflates his chest, proud his offspring retains complicated information with ease. “At one point, The Princess passed nearby a small ball of rubble called Earth, when she abruptly sensed something weird: it was The Prince!”

“Hehehehe!” Emma kicks her feet under the comforter, joyful to discern the part she adores.

“The Prince was alone at his house hidden by a lake, his favorite retreat when he didn’t want anybody to bother him; he freaked out when he saw this celestial being falling from heavens right in front of him! He tried to run, yet The Princess stopped him: she trapped him against a tree and he tried to fight her without any success: bullets didn’t do any harm to such a tremendously superior entity. The Princess kept approaching, when she realized he didn’t even comprehend the dialect she was speaking: stripped of his memories, The Prince didn’t apprehend the Ancient Star Language only those dwelling in the stars know. That saddened her so much; on top of everything, The Princess noticed a very worrisome detail: the Starlight Fire burning inside each Starlight entity was completely dead within The Prince. She didn’t see it behind his eyes, it was just…gone.”

Emma sniffles and you peck her forehead, speeding up the happy ending she’s been waiting for.

“The Princess had no other choice but to try and reignite his fire with hers: she was aware of how dangerous it was, but what options did she have? None, really. Despite The Prince struggling to escape her embrace, she went on with the plan. The fire spilled out of her, engulfing The Prince in the scorching blaze. He screamed in agony, unable to move or to react to the most excruciating torment he felt in the whole eternity: the fire grew in intensity, but his essence didn’t wake up. He lost consciousness in The Princess’s arms as she was mourning the loss of Royalty from The Kingdom Below. He wasn’t dead, not in the real meaning of the word: immortals never perish. Unable to revive who he was in the past, he was forever lost and that was worse than death. The Princess was heartbroken; she kept holding him without a trace of optimism left, when out of the blue…” you pause and Emma’s mouth opens in anticipation. “… The Starlight Fire regenerated inside The Prince!!!”

Your daughter screams, laughing up a storm at the excellent outcome as her dad shamelessly applauds:

“Bravo, bravo and hooray!”

“The Prince began to remember who he was and finally recognized The Princess: she was sovereign to The Kingdom Above, the one he loved! She asked him if he knew who she was and he answered back in the Starlight language he now could articulate: you’re my Princess. And this is how The Prince from The Starlight Kingdom Below was reunited with The Princess from The Starlight Kingdom Above.”

“And they lived happily ever after?” Emma giggles and you confirm.

“Yes, they did, honey,” you tuck her in and signal for The Joker to stand. “Go to sleep now, sweet dreams,” you give her the pink unicorn to cuddle with. “Do you want more hot chocolate?”

“No, mommy, you can take the cup.”

“I’ll take it,” J offers and rearranges her pillow for the lack of a better strategy of making himself useful. “Good night, Pumpkin.”

“Good night, daddy,” Emma yawns and closes her eyes, content to have heard the fairytale tonight too.

The parents sneak out of her bedroom, tiptoeing on the hallway.

“I’ll take the cup to the kitchen and then I’ll be up,” you gesture towards the master bedroom.

“Hurry up, you know I’m impatient!” The King of Gotham underlines his affliction to an indifferent Y/N that prefers to let him simmer five extra minutes for the heck of it.

****************

“Well, Mister Joker. I have returned,” you slowly shut the door behind you.

“You lingered on purpose, didn’t you?”

“Apparently,” you smile at his complaint. “I’m back for the magic,” Y/N closes the gap between the bodies, lacing her fingers behind his neck. “Where is it?”

“If you insist,” J snaps his fingers and the environment around them is shifting to a unique landscape filled with light, each single item built out of glittery Stardust.

How is such a thing possible? It’s very simple: what is presented to Emma as being a fable it’s actually reality; her parents are The Starlight Royalty that fell in love with each other on the battlefield millions of years ago. They figured their heir will have a better idea of who they are when she grows up if she keeps hearing about it on a constant basis. Since they decided to reside on Earth and also on a distant star using their Trispectral abilities, The Prince and Princess keep working on the latest until Emma will be ready to transport herself on this location too.

“Have you been building when I wasn’t here?” you ogle the castle which has more towers than anticipated at your last visit.

“You like surprises so I did,” The Prince boasts.

“Hmm…” you tilt your head, debating. “I believe the west tower is taller than it should be,” your finger whooshing in the air fixes the anomaly.

“Yeah… It does look nicer,” he agrees. “You’re better at architecture than I am.”

“And other stuff,” you emphasize because he’ll probably protest if you don’t.

“Maybe, but all a Prince needs is his Princess, his starlight babies,” J bends to kiss your tummy, ”the puny, flimsy planet he landed on and this star. Next week we’ll tell Emma she’ll be a big sister, make it a celebration as we arranged. Deal?”

“Of course, she will be thrilled!” you smile and he notices the cloud shadowing the blissful atmosphere.

“What’s wrong?”

You take a deep breath, annoyed.

“Do you think our kin is searching for us?”

“More than likely…” The Prince grumbles. “Let them come!” the armor materializes on his frame while holding the sword he once used in the war.

“I won’t let them touch what we have here!!” your armor emerges also as you firmly clutch to your heavenly spear.

“Can you take your helmet off?” The Prince requests on a whim. “For old times sake; I have a special attachment for that moment when I saw you without it for the first time, levitating above your army.”

That was actually the very instance he fell in love with his nemesis.

You do as asked and The Prince sights, defeated.

“You still shine brighter than all the other stars,” he comes close to you again, totally smitten with the aura emanating from Y/N.

“Do I?” you playfully strike his armor with your spear.

“A-ha,” he rests his forehead on yours, whispering: “Can you repeat how the story ends?” the Starlight Fire behind his eyes flickers in perfect synchronicity with yours.

The Princess utters the sentence in the Ancient Starlight language that he remembered when you saved him:

“And they lived happily ever after.”

  Also read: Masterlist

https://diyunho.tumblr.com/post/153664676321/joker-x-reader-masterlist

You can also follow me on Ao3 and Wattpad under the same blog name: DiYunho.

The Joker x Reader - “Crush”

The Joker’s son has an unrequited crush on Bane’s daughter and no matter how many times he tried to get under her skin she just didn’t show any interest. Kase is not the one to be discouraged by such insignificant details, plus a recent turn in events might aid stir things towards a better outcome.

“Hi Y/N,” Kase greets you while you try to move boxes with smuggled artefacts Bane and The Joker decided to share after a joint heist last month.

“Hey,” you keep it short hoping he will sort of make himself useful and disappear.

“Once we’re done here, wanna go for a coffee or ice cream?” the twenty year old tries to nonchalantly bring it up.

“No, sorry. I’m busy,” you pass by him in order to get to more crates in the pile. “Are you going to help?”

“Sure,” he sulks and bends over to reach the biggest container since he wishes to show off. Grunting, exertion, some mumbled cussing and mild sweating point out the simple fact he won’t be able to achieve his goal.

“Don’t break your bones, Casanova!” Bane shouts as J watches you lift the huge box without any effort and can’t help it:

“Would you look at that! Goddamn bulldozer!”

Any other parent will flip hearing such nonsense, coming from the Joker is definitely praise and your father is aware.

“She has good genes,” he huffs, proud at his daughter’s achievements.

“My son has to marry your daughter,” The King of Gotham teases the agenda to his business partner. “I’m all in for a partnership like that.”

“She’s eighteen!” Bane frowns, starting to get annoyed because The Joker mentions it on a regular basis.

“For heaven’s sake, not now! In a few years!”

“I’m happy you have it planned, but Casanova can’t even score a date,” your parent has the humongous satisfaction of pressing J’s buttons.

“Oh, he will! He has my charm, it’s bound to happen,” the smirk unraveling those uncanny silver teeth makes Bane roll his eyes.

“U-huummm, suuuure. How can he fail possessing such unmeasurable capabilities?” the brute sarcastically tramples on The Clown’s affirmations.

In the meantime, you carry another heavy item on your shoulder towards one of the trucks and have to stop in front of Kase: he’s ogling you, his mouth slightly opened with admiration. You place your index finger under his chin and close his jaw together, willing to perform a public service:

“So flies won’t get in,” your explanation makes the young man burst into laughter.

You have more to say but you notice a detail regarding The Joker: Bane abandoned him by the SUVs and J is glaring at his new shoes, then at the car Frost parked on the other side of the field, at his shoes again.

Oh no… you know what that means: trouble. Why?

Last night’s storm left a bunch of muddy puddles behind and The King will soon decide to walk into them, which will result in a complete disaster: he’ll get pissed his shoes are ruined, then have a tantrum followed by him randomly punishing henchmen, heads will roll. Your dad will be mad and the conflict is already lined up. Might as well avoid it before it blows out of proportions.

“Hold the fort!” you address Kase and wander off to rescue his dad. “New shoes Mister Joker?” you ask whilst he mutters a faint yes. “Want a piggy back ride?”

“Supposedly,” he doesn’t reject the offer thus you encourage his majesty:

“Hop on, Mister J!”

Bane happens to turn the corner beyond the cars situated north the parking lot and halts at the sight of his daughter fetching J across the meadow.

“Not again!” he sneers and yells: “Y/N!!! What are you doing?! He has two legs, doesn’t he?!”

“I don’t want to get dirty!” The Clown vociferates his main concern.

“Almost there!” you hurry so Bane won’t snap. “Here you go, Mister J,” you discard the burden by his vehicle. “I have an extra pair of rubber boots in my trunk, you can borrow them if they fit.”

“How can I wear rubber boots with this outfit?” J scrunches up his face and you definitely have no tolerance for a fashion speech.

“Ok then Mister J, I’ll return to my task. Holler if you require further assistance.”

“He doesn’t!” Bane cuts you off, irritated. “Quit taking advantage of my kid’s strength!” the threat has no effect on The Joker.

“I’m not taking advantage! She’s the one that offered!”

“I did, it’s fine!” you attempt to diffuse the quarrel and now it seems Kase is fiddling with his hearing aid which prompts you to rush over to him. “Problems?” Y/N inquires although she guessed the reply.

“I think the battery is dead,” J’s son informs.

“I have some in my car.”

“Hm?”

“I have some in my car!” you raise your voice since he can’t hear well: Kase is almost deaf in the right ear due to a misfortunate event that happened when he was a baby. A rival gang attacked The Joker’s convoy while the infant was in one of the cars, not that it mattered to the assholes. They used grenades trying to kill The Clown and as far as you could gather from your father, Kase is lucky to be alive because one explosion blasted the vehicle he was in upside down.

“Oh, these are special batteries, really tiny,” J’s son explains and you signal him to accompany you. “They go by hearing aid model number. Mine is R705.”

“I know, you told me before, remember? I have them!”

“You do?!”

“Yup,” you open your car and search the glove compartment, handing the product to Kase moments after.

“Thanks! That’s awesome!” the sweet smile flourishing on his lips makes Y/N grouchy.

“Don’t think anything of it, got it? I have your stuff because you’re never prepared. You should be more responsible!”

Kase changes the minuscule battery then puts it back in his ear.

“Let me see!” you tuck his long hair behind the ear for a better view as he’s gathering his locks in a man bun. “I think you’re good. Can you hear me?”

“Yes, perfect!”

“Issue solved,” you snatch your phone from the passenger’s seat and inspect for messages.

“Y/N, wanna hang out with us at the cabin?” the text from Scarecrow’s offspring pops on the screen. “The others will be there also. Don’t tell Kase, he’s not invited!”

“I’ll be there tonight,” you type. “Not a peep out of me,” you giggle at the thought the guys don’t want Kase there for once. It’s nice to take a break from him hanging out in the same circles you prefer. “What are you doing?” you glimpse at the twenty year old munching on the trail mix clusters he just found in your car.

“Sorry, I’m hungry. I should’ve asked first,” he apologizes yet that’s the last concern you have.

“Can’t you read what it says on the bag?? It contains peanuts!”

“… … Shit!...” Kase utters in between coughing since he’s highly allergic to peanuts; wheezing intensifies, his cheeks red from the effort of trying to breathe.

“Do you have your EpiPen with you?!” Y/N frantically scouts her backpack before The Joker notes. Why?

The pattern never fails: J doesn’t know how to handle stress when it comes to his son; he’ll panic, scream at everybody, then he’ll randomly shoot henchmen, heads will roll. Your dad will get angry and the dispute could have a very ugly outcome. Might as well nip it in the butt.

“EpiPen?” you insist and Kase barely whispers a no when you finally find it. “A-ha!” you exclaim and retract it from your rucksack, the lifesaving medicine injected into his thigh within seconds. “Better?” you help him sit on the hood.

“Y-yeah…” he coughs some more, his breathing still a bit chaotic.

“Everything alright?” Frost approaches the two young people, suspicious at their behavior.

“Don’t tell his dad,” you plead when Jonny spots the EpiPen in your hand. “He’s past danger. Deal?”

You don’t have to beg for Frost’s silence; he’s fully aware of the repercussions if his boss finds out.

“If he’s OK… I won’t.”

“He’s perfect, aren’t you Kase?” you elbow the patient and he confirms:

“Stellar!”  

Jonny is distancing himself from you so he won’t attract anymore unwanted attention, thus J’s son interrogates.

“Why do you have an EpiPen? You’re not allergic to anything, are you?”

“Nope. Someone has to keep an eye on you because you’re completely careless!” you scold and leave him to recover, certainly determined to finish with the crates in order to drive to the cabin for some fun.

*************

2:04 am, The Cabin in Sherwood Forest

You wiggle under the blanket, squeezing one of the pillows in your arms. The ruckus escalates: cars honking, a bunch of vexed remarks and fighting, heavy steps and your name being called out makes you finally wake up from your sleep.

“Y/N!!! Y/N!!!!”

“Where are you?”

“Y/N!!!” you distinguish your father’s deep tone.

“Daddy?!” you roll off the bed and the door suddenly being kicked in makes you jump.

“She’s in here, sir!” Tony directs Bane towards the bedroom upstairs where you are.

“What’s going on?” you ask yet he doesn’t have a chance to respond: Bane barges in, and to say he’s livid would be an understatement. Even if he has the mask on, you know his moods and you can tell he’s passed his threshold.

“Are you ok, honey?”

“Yes. Why?... What’s wrong?” you demand a justification and he snarls, displeased.

“Apparently a stupid prank if such an aberration can be called a prank!”

“What prank?” the confused Y/N doesn’t get a commentary because Bane’s cell rings and he immediately answers.

“Crane!!!” he shrieks. “Do you know what junior and the others are up to??!!!”

“Dad?” you tap on his military vest and Bane exits the premises, gesturing towards the garden.

“Find Kase, he’ll tell you more,” then he starts lashing out at Scarecrow while striding with you following him.

What’s Kase doing here? you think as you descend the stairs; the living room is swarming with your parent’s crew members, although you also recognize some of The Joker’s subordinates. So strange!

The patio’s doors are wide open thus you march on the porch, stunned: more henchmen plus a multitude of cars flooding the driveway up to the paved road. Scarecrow’s son and your friends are gathered under a tree, avoiding making eye contact with anybody.

Further near where the trails begin you spot Kase standing by your vehicle; he seems lost in thought, intensely gazing at the grass under his sneakers.

“Hi,” your short acknowledgment shakes him out of trance.

“Y/N! Are you alright? Did they do something to you?” he checks you out worried.

“Who’s they?” the puzzled girl realizes Kase is referring to your friends. “No, it was the usual: we hang out, watched movies and gossiped. After the girls left I decided to spend the night so I did. Why?”

“I got this on my phone earlier,” he shows you the message from Andy Crane and at last you’re enlightened about the mystery: there’s a picture of you napping in the tank top and shorts you are wearing now, but the caption makes you shiver.

“Quite a nice tush I’d say. We put sleeping pills in her water, she’s totally out. We’ll take turns soon, want us to wait for you so you can go first? I know you like her.”

“What the hell is this??!!” you stare at him understanding why there’s an army at the cabin: the moronic prank or whatever they intended for it to be didn’t perform as expected. Stupid move from your pals considering wars between gangs have started for far more less than a very distasteful joke.

“I feared they’d actually do such a thing, so I kept on calling them and you. Nobody picked up and I told my dad, then I contacted yours also,” Kase touches his freshly busted lip.

“How did you get this?” you brush your thumb over the fresh wound.

“I got into a scuffle with them,” he hatefully gestures at the six boys staring back at you two.

The Joker shouts sentences you can’t comprehend, he’s too far from your position and it makes you wonder what it took to drag him at this place in the middle of the night for a matter that doesn’t concern him.

“Wait for me!” you decide to confront the boys and stomp where they assembled given the circumstances. “Andy!!!!” the resentful Y/N calls him out. “What’s with the message, huh?”

“Calm down, would you?” he growls. “It was a hoax!”

“A hoax??! And what did you hope will happen? That Kase would show up to be the first in line? And use that against him? Or what? What was the purpose?”

“Why are you so mad? Nothing happened,” Harvey Dent’s son pouts.

“You’re a bunch of idiots!” you prepare to bail when Andy gets on your nerves.

“You actually care for the psycho? Is that why you’re angry?”

Oh man, this is the last drop: whatever the heck is wrong with The Clown is not hereditary and such an accusation attempting to distract you from the real mess doesn’t work.

“You sneaked in my room and took a picture while I was sleeping! That’s fucking creepy, Andy!! Who do you think the psycho is in this scenario?!” you hiss and that doesn’t go well with him or the rest.

The Joker discerns the noise and can’t hold in an entitled grin watching Y/N’s fists creating serious damage within the group that dared disrupt everyone’s peaceful night. It’s clear you don’t need any help kicking ass that’s why Kase nor anybody else bothered to intervene.

“Goddamn bulldozer! Plowed right through them!” he shows your father. Bane scoffs, irked at the whole charade and J’s obnoxiousness adds to the fire.

“Who’s gonna pay me for coming here with my men, hm?”

“I didn’t ask you to come!”

“I wasn’t going to sit idle while my future daughter-in -law is in grave peril!”

“Would you give it a break??!” Bane loses patience for The King’s shenanigans. “Go home!”

“Pfft, tough crowd,” The Joker sucks on his teeth, forgetting he’s about to go ballistic at your parent’s insinuations. “What did I tell you? He has my charm!” he triumphantly praises his son when he sees him getting in your car.

“Ugghhh,” Bane removes himself from J’s vicinity, fed up with the useless yapping.

****************

“Thanks for giving me a ride,” Kase sighs.

“Sure, I’m going the same direction. I’ll drop you off.”

“I appreciate it,” that sweet smile of his lightens up the atmosphere. “I know you hate me.”

“I don’t hate you.”

“You don’t?” Kase suspiciously inquires.

“How should I put it? Every time I look at you, I feel like punching you in the face.”

The Joker’s son is more than delighted at the confession.

“So you like me!”

“Oh my God, don’t make me regret giving you a ride!” Y/N wiggles in her chair, the glove compartment suddenly unlatching when she takes a sharp corner. The bright, pink neon writing on your snack bags makes your companion scan through the items.

“Contains peanuts. Do not put in your mouth!” he chuckles, recognizing your hand writing. “No peanuts - safe to eat,” he reads aloud and you don’t want him to get the wrong impression.

“You always grab food and eat without paying attention. I can’t have a guilty conscience!”

Why does he have to smile like this?! He’s so aggravating.

“I’m free for lunch tomorrow,” you slowly blink, not believing you just uttered such crap.

“Are you?!” Kase fumbles with his hearing aid in case it’s malfunctioning and he misheard.

“Pick me up at 12, ok?”

“OK,” he agrees and if The Joker was there, he would probably say the miracle happened because of the charm genes he passed to his son.

Luckily, he’s not there to brag otherwise it might ruin things for Casanova.

Also read: Masterlist

https://diyunho.tumblr.com/post/153664676321/joker-x-reader-masterlist

You can also follow me on Ao3 and Wattpad under the same blog name: DiYunho.

The Joker x Reader - “Deadpool” Part 3

You’re out of town for a couple of days and Wade is bored out of his mind, thus he figured wooing The Joker into hanging out should take care of his blues. Your boyfriend can’t stand Deadpool but that’s not something that’s going to stop Mister Wilson, especially since he’s on a mission to rekindle their inexistent bromance.

Part 1      Part 2

“O sole miooooooo…” Wade keeps serenading The Joker, perfectly aware The King’s in the jacuzzi on the terrace above ignoring him on purpose. Another deep breath ready to belch out more notes when finally J pops up, annoyed.

“Bro!!!” the red suited menace lifts his arms in the air, excited. “Let’s hang out!”

“Get lost, Swimming Pool!”

“Come on, man! I know you’ve missed me! I’m so bored without Y/N!!”

“Shut your trap!” The Joker threatens. “Emma’s taking a nap!”

“Shit, sorry,” Wade lowers his voice. “To show you I mean business I brought your favorite pizza and grape juice,” he points at the tokens displayed on the grass in front of him. “Can I come up?”

“No, disappear!”

“Breaks my heart to see you’re playing hard to get!” Deadpool sighs. “But it’s a fact you love me, don’t try to downplay our bromance!” your best friend doesn’t give up.

“I actually hate you, Swimming Pool! There’s no bromance!”

“Bullshit! I’m your favorite dude on the planet!” Deadpool takes his cell out of his tiny belt pocket and dials J’s digits. “Pick up, I need to tell you something important, I can’t be too loud since the little angel is sleeping!” he urges The Clown Prince of Crime.

The Joker puckers his lips more and more irritated, figuring that after he answers the phone he’s going to try and murder Wade again. You not being around for the moment is the perfect opportunity after all. Who cares if he can’t die? Satisfaction guaranteed anyway.

“What?!” The King snaps at Deadpool insistence.

“I just called…to say… … I love you…” the familiar tune reaches J’s ear and before Mister Wilson continues with the next line the recipient of his undivided attention hangs up. “I have a whole repertoire prepared especially for you! Don’t you wanna hear it?!” Wade announces aloud his plans and The King figures it’s better to give in for the moment otherwise Emma will wake up from the ruckus. Maybe blowing up Wade to pieces and then scatter him around town will do the trick. Probably not… but it’s worth a stab!

Literally.

By the time Deadpool gets upstairs J is back in the jacuzzi; your best friend is so hyped at the opportunity to shake off monotony he can’t contain himself.

“Let me strip and join you,” Deadpool places the pizza and drinks by The Joker and starts taking off his red attire.

“What are you doing?!” The Joker growls, aware Wade usually goes commando under the suit.

“Don’t worry, man. I came prepared,” J is reassured and soon enough he’s graced with the view of a very skimpy, glittery pink speedo. “Don’t judge, it was on clearance,” Deadpool defends his choice. “I’m broke so I can’t afford to be picky.”

“You’re such an idiot,” The Clown sneers while munching on the pizza. “If I’d had your superpowers, I’d be a billionaire. Why don’t you steal a bunch of money? Actually, zip it! I’m not interested in your logic,” he realizes offering an opportunity for more yapping is a catastrophic mistake.

Wade immerses his body in the soothing waters, happy to relax next to his pal.

“Can I massage your shoulders?”

“Nope,” The Joker rejects the proposal without any hesitation.

“I can guarantee I have magical hands. I mean, they’ve been places and massaged lots of stuff if you get my drift,” Deadpool winks as the water around him begins bubbling up. The jacuzzi is not turned on which means…

“Sorry bro, my bad,” Wade apologizes. “I ate two bean burritos before I came here.”

More bubbles.

“Oh crap,” he apologizes. “I think I had an accident!!”

J runs out of the hot tub, appalled at the atrocity unfolding under his roof.

“Goddammit, Swimming Pool! What the hell is wrong with you???!!”

“Lots of things,” Wilson admits. “Can I use your washing machine to clean my bright pink panties?” he pouts and moves around. “Hold on…hold on… Whew, false alarm,” the relieved loud mouth concludes. “It’s safe to get back in, man.”  

“I don’t think so, Swimming Pool,” the pissed Joker retaliates. “I’ll take a nap on the couch and you’d better be gone by the time I wake up. If you soil my jacuzzi you’d better buy me a new one or beam yourself in outer space once and for all!”

“Bro, com’on now, it was an honest mistake. I shouldn’t have eaten those burritos; I’m sorry, ok?” Wade instantly repents for his transgression yet J had enough. “Pizza’s getting cold, want me to keep it warm for you?”  

Since Deadpool is being ignored, the latest figures is better to let The Joker cool down then reprise their date. But The King is not ignoring Wade: his overactive brain is already plotting a way to dispose of your best friend without arising your suspicions. Plus, Emma’s home too and doesn’t have a lot of room to wiggle. A mastermind such as your boyfriend though doesn’t give up so easily.

*************

The King of Gotham fell asleep on the couch by the hot tub and now it’s so nice that you’re next to him because he likes cuddling with his girl.

“That’s sweet, bro,” Wade wiggles a bit. “I love spooning. Can I get a smooch on the forehead or is it too much to ask?”

The Joker’s eyes instantly open when he realizes it’s not Y/N he’s squeezing in his arms.

“Ahh,” wade whelps in pain when he gets punched in the face. “Mother of shitpile on a stick! That’ hurts!!! Hold on, hold on! Do it again!” he blinks really fast. “I think I saw Wolverine naked!”

“It will be my pleasure!” another ferocious punch lands on Deadpool‘s mug.

“Wowwwww, he looks sooo good! Spooning with Logan would be a dream come true,” Mister Wilson gushes whilst The Joker pushes him out of the couch and drags him by his legs towards the end of the terrace. 20 feet above the ground, the balcony doesn’t have a railing, thus J has a goal.

“Nooo, don’t kick me out!!!!!!!” Wade keeps fake crying while attempting to hold on to whatever furniture he can. “I wanna hang out! Ple-he-heeeseeeeeee! I promise I’ll only spoon with you, ok? No Wolverine! I’ll sacrifice my dream for you! Wa-wa-wait! I think I twisted my ankle!!” your best friend whales and J immediately hisses.

“Did ya’ Swimming Pool? Allow me to help!” The Clown lifts Wade in his arms.

“Oh my God, I feel like a Pink Princess!” the scarred menace snuggles to J’s neck while being carried bridal style. “Dude, you smell soooo nice,” Wade inhales J’s scent unaware of what’s in store for him. “I’m going to add you to my man crush list.”

Wade has more to blabber about yet he doesn’t have a chance to do so: The Joker drops him right on top of the huge cactus situated below the terrace. It was actually a gift from Deadpool to remind the royal couple of him: spiky on the outside but fabulous and nutritious on the inside.

It made sense to Deadpool.

“Holy balls of fire, cracking whips and flying turds!!!!!!!!!” Wilson screams in pain.

The Joker tosses his red suit also, content to have accomplished something noble then goes back to relaxing in the jacuzzi possessing the most demented smirk to grace his lips lately.

“Bro, I’m stuck!” Wade begs for assistance. “Never mind, I got it!” he finally manages to roll off the cactus and crawls around the mansion in order to reach your daughter’s bedroom. The patio door is opened and he sneaks inside, slowly tapping on your daughter’s blanket.

“Emma… Emma… It’s uncle Wade.”

The eight year old turns on her side, stretching.

“Hi uncle Wade.”

“I’m very sorry to wake you up my little angel; I need your help.”

Emma snickers, energized by his presence and gets on her elbow, intrigued.

“What are you doing on the floor, uncle?!”

“It’s a long story, honey. Do you have any pliers?”

“No, uncle.”

“Fuck!” he blurs before he can stop it.

“That’s a bad word,” Emma grabs the infamous “Uncle Pool’s swearing Jar” from the nightstand, eager to get 100 dollars in there. Wade knows he’s not supposed to utter cussing words in front of your offspring and he has to give her money in if he breaks the rule. This jar for the month of August is half full from Deadpool’s last visit.

“Oh my God, my brain is blurry from the thorns. I forgot! Can I get a free pass?”

“You used your free pass last week uncle, when you said the F word 5 times in a row.”

“Riighttt, rightttttttttt,” Wade mumbles and negotiates. “I don’t have any money with me, can I write I owe you notes again?”

“Sure uncle.”

“Awesome,” he barely makes it on Emma’s bed face down. “Do you have any tweezers?”

“No, but mommy does,” your daughter giggles seeing thorns coming out of Wade’s sparkly speedos.

“That should work.”

***************

After 1 hour

The Joker stands by the sun chair on the terrace, quite pleased with how things turned out.

“Guess who,” he feels a soft peck on his dragon tattoo and you didn’t expect to be kissed like he didn’t see you in two years. He’s also clingy and showing signs he’s ready to take you to the bedroom.

“Aren’t you affectionate,” you caress his hair and wonder what happened because when he’s sexually frustrated it means something’s going on. “I thought you’d be happy with me returning sooner… What’s wrong?” you immediately dive into the subject.

“Swimming Pool is here,” J sulks.

Ahhh, that explains his behavior.

“Where is he?” you have an outburst of exuberance due to your best friend’s presence on the premises.

“He’s in surgery,” the mischievous grin puzzles you.

************

“My goodness, what happened?” you rush inside Emma’s quarters as your daughter plucks thorns out of Wade’s behind.

“Mommy!!!” she runs in your arms and you cover her in kisses. “Uncle Wade had an accident.”

“What happened?” you inquire and Wade grabs your fingers which he keeps captive to his chest.

“Aren’t you a blessing for a sore butt,” he forcefully exhales.

“What happened?” you insist and Deadpool gives you the resume.

“Me and my man here, we were horsing around and I fell over the balcony right on the cactus bush.”

Hmm… The Joker doesn’t horse around unless he’s in bed with you, thus…

“J?” you suspiciously interrogate.

“What he said,” The King points out at Deadpool.

There’s a pile of I owe you notes in front of Wade: the spikes getting pulled out of his skin is a painful process and he’s not able to control himself. He says bad words and continues to write his money away to Emma’s fund.

“I think I lost my sack of nuts,” your best friend grieves, exasperated.

“You had a bag of nuts, uncle? I can go look for it,” the innocent kid offers.

“NOOO!” both parents yell in the same time.

“Wade, can you not talk like this???!!” you admonish and The Clown barks through his clenched teeth:

“Don’t make single sound, you moron!”

“I’m so sorry, I’m delirious from the agony; my butt’s a strainer,” Deadpool complaints and kisses your wrist as a sign of good will.

“That’s my woman, Swimming Pool!!” the jealous-for-no-reason Joker immediately goes ballistic, totally irritated he can’t rip Deadpool apart since his family is present.

“What are you wearing, Wade?!” you bring it up in order to distract everyone because it’s impossible not to notice the pink attire.

“Don’t judge,” Deadpool implores. “It was on clearance.”

Yup, one shouldn’t judge indeed: at least he didn’t go commando.

Also read: MASTERLIST

https://diyunho.tumblr.com/post/153664676321/joker-x-reader-masterlist

You can also follow me on Ao3 and Wattpad under the same blog name: DiYunho.

The Joker x Reader - “Villains League”

Since The Justice League is busy saving the word, villains figured they have to protect Gotham City from the alien invaders themselves. Luckily, they do have resources available and hopefully enough sanity left in order to fulfill the task.

“Finally!” Bane expresses his frustration with The Joker and his woman being late to the meeting. The couple just arrived with a tank at the rendezvous point and in their defense they started making out so the vehicle plowed through buildings which resulted into an unforeseen detour.

J is getting out of the tank first, then helps his Queen descend from the monster, not before coping a felling of her thunder thighs as he likes to call them. It’s pretty easy to do since Y/N is wearing her favorite dress: pink and short, the bottom made of strings embedded with fluffy feathers.

You land in The Joker’s arms and he squeezes you closer while you draw tiny circles on his bare chest. It’s pretty easy to do because The King didn’t button his purple shirt at all: he just tucked the garment in his pants so Y/N can have easy access to the merchandise as she likes to call it.

“Mister Joker…” your index finger slides down towards his abs.

“Pumpkin…” he growls and strange enough your hand ends up in his long hair one second later.

J let his locks grow on a whim resulting in a phenomenal success with The Queen thus he didn’t get a haircut yet.

“Mister Joker…” you softly pull on a green strand.

“Pumpkin…” he sneers, his mouth getting closer to yours.

“Somebody break that up, otherwise we won’t get shit done!” Harvey Dent urges the other members of their fragile coalition.

“Joker! Y/N!” Mister Freeze takes it upon himself to get your attention. “You just missed a briefing about important matters: the question was do any of us any hidden super powers that might aid in the fight?”

The King takes a deep breath and meditates for a brief moment prior to proudly uttering:

“I’m crazy.”

“I’m sassy,” you sigh, bored.

“We’re fucked!” Scarecrow immediately concludes. “None of us have supernatural abilities like the jerks in The Justice League.”

“Pfft!” J scoffs. “Who needs that?!”

“Com’ over here, Joker,” Mister Freeze encourages the mad man. “Stand by me and Y/N will remain by Dent while we lay down the plan.”

“Why can’t I stand next to her??!!” your boyfriend barks.

“Because you get distracted when you’re close to her; she’s definitely your kryptonite,” Jonathan Crane underlines the obvious.

“What the hell are you talking about?!” The Clown protests. “She’s not my kryptonite, I don’t even like her!!”

An appalled gasp is heard.

“Here’s what we’re gonna do,” Harvey presents the idea they all agreed upon before J’s arrival. “Each of us had two hours to go and search in their collection the best weapon and then come back to our meeting spot. We already have regular ammo and supplies yet I’m certain everyone has an ace up their sleeve especially for these kinds of occasions, yes?”

“You bet!” Mr. Freeze boasts. “If you think my ice blaster is big, wait until I bring my upgrade!” he balances the ionized prototype on his shoulder.

“Oh my God, but this one is already huge!” you almost scream with admiration.

“Check out my shotgun, Y/N,” Scarecrow shoves his new toy under your nose.

“Wow, such a large barrel!” you smirk. “Can I touch it?”

“You bet’cha!”

“What do you think about mine?” Dent also showcases his revolver to you. “Bought it last night.”

“Look at the size of this baby! Enormous!” you squeal with delight as so many awesome trinkets.

The irritated Joker can’t hold it in anymore:

“My gun is bigger than all your guns put together!”

“It’s just a pistol, Joker,” Bane has the audacity to laugh.

“Just a pistol? It’s big and I paid a fortune to customize it!!!” the fuming Clown is livid all the guys are flaunting their goodies to his woman.

“What exactly is this about?” Crane whispers.

“Beats me, just go with the flow,” a calm Two Face recommends.

Since The King of Gotham is about to go ballistic, Mister Freeze finds it imperative to spare everybody the pain of listening to his rant.

“Hey, let’s tell our people to move what we have in Bane’s trucks to make space for more stuff.”

Y/N ignores him so J forgets his woes for the second being and slides closer to you, pretending to fiddle around with a box of ammo. Because the city has been evacuated, there’s nobody around thus The Joker has a plan.

“Hey Pumpkin,” he whispers and you frown. “Wanna go to Mariott hotel and full around for two hours? I already know what to bring to the meeting, no need for us to waste time on trivialities. I’ll tell Frost to bring the isotope grenade launcher we stole from Wayne Industries last month; it’s perfect for what we need.”

You take a deep breath and gaze his way, hissing.

“Why would I go to the hotel and full around when you said you don’t like me???!!!”

“Huh? When did I say that?” The King plays dumb.

“A few minutes ago!” you remind his majesty.

“I don’t recall,” he lies without blinking; one could say that’s his part-time job and he does a damn good job at it!

“I heard it,” Bane jumps to input his perspective.

“Me too!” Scarecrow joins the conversation.

“Yup!” Harvey confirms too.

“Mind your own business!” J snaps at their testimony then pushes his luck again. “Com’on, Princess, the world might end today. You know I’m a pioneer when it comes to sexual innovation. Don’t you want a piece of this in case we kick the bucket?!” he opens his arms to underline the quirky statement.

“If I dare articulate such aberrations, my wife would kill me,” Crane admits while eavesdropping.

“Mine would also set me on fire afterwards,” Dent sourly chews the sentence.

“Mine would throw a grenade my way on top of everything just to make sure I’m a goner,” Bane snarls. “He’s fortunate Y/N is lenient at his crap,” the regretful tone prompts sighs for those present, all jealous at J’s karma.

“Are you done gossiping?” Mr. Freeze hops from the van. “Let’s get a move on things!” You’re not sure if you should give in or not and the fact that J squints his eyes glaring at something in the distance makes you more puzzled.

“Pumpkin, it’s the asshole!” The Clown mutters, dumfounded.

“What?” you turn around to look behind and sure enough you see the familiar vehicle in the distance zooming on the streets.

“It’s Batsy!” J yells. “We can hitch a ride to the hotel, his car is speedier than our tank! We can cut him off on 12th avenue! Go Pumpkin, go! You’re faster than me on your stilettos! I can’t run, my hair will get tangled!”

How can you miss on the opportunity? Given the circumstances, you can’t!

“Leave it to me, babe!” Y/N sprints up 5th street as Harvey drops a crate of explosives watching you. I mean, the Villains League have their share of luck because it didn’t result into a catastrophe.

“How is she so fast on those high heels?!” the admiration is beyond charts and Two Face can’t help it.

“Woowwwww,” Mister Freeze gushes. “You know how she always says she was born on high heels? I guess it’s true!”

“That’s… That’s a super power!” Scarecrow enthusiastically exclaims. “How is that not a super power?!” he elbows Crane.

“Dunno!” Scarecrow replies. “Stop shoving me around!”

“I’m not shoving you around. Want me to??!” the situation escalates for no reason. What else should be expected from The Villains League? Exactly this!

“Cut it out and get going!” mister Freeze shows more common sense than everyone else again. “We don’t have that much time!”

******************

J is elegantly jogging behind his woman in order to avoid knots forming in his long hair when a loud crash is heard: Bruce barely avoided Y/N when she popped in front of the Batmobile and smashed into a bunch of abandoned cars on the side of the road.

You and The Joker count on the fact that he wouldn’t care about capturing you now since he’s busy saving the world, so you approach and knock on the thick glass until he opens up the hatch.

“What do you want?” Wayne’s deep voice greets the couple.

“Hey friend,” Joker flashes his famous silver smile. “Can we get a ride to Mariott Hotel? Us, the bad guys,” he flamboyantly uses his fingers for the quote-unquote signs, “are doing our part in trying to save the city from the imminent attack.”

Batman knows better than doing J any favors yet the crazy bastard is right: outlaws do have plenty of resources to help in the fight and now with this state of emergency he can’t afford to be picky.

“Get in!” he encourages you and your boyfriend.

J grabs your butt and gently pushes you up in the car while Batman rolls his eyes at the scene unfolding under his nose.

After The Joker is in the Batmobile too you end up in his lap, complaining:

“It’s kind of crammed in here, Mister Batsy!”

“Do you want a ride or not?” Bruce shows no patience for your question.

“Yeah! Hurry up, man! We’re losing precious moments,” The King pinches your thigh. “And don’t talk to my girl like that,” he adds in order to propel himself in your graces again.

“You’re getting on my nerves, Joker!” Batman closes the hatch and starts driving.

“Don’t talk to my boyfriend like that!” you punch Batman’s arm and he accidentally steers the wheel left, hitting a van and four trash cans. “I shouldn’t take your side since you don’t like me,” you address J.

“I don’t hate you either,” The Clown grins at the occasion to show his nemesis what a charmer he is.

“You don’t?” the sulking Y/N pulls at his gold chains.

“Nah. Let’s put it this way, Pumpkin: you bring out the worst in me. No other woman has ever done that.”

Due to the fact that he can’t listen to the rubbish any longer, Wayne wants to intervene but it’s super awkward the King and Queen are about to kiss next to him.

“We’re not too far!” he interrupts the magic yet he shouldn’t have: a blinking light on the electronic board gets your attention.

“Oh, what does this button do?”

“Don’t touch anything!” Batman warns.

Too late: you already pressed the glowing switch.

A missile whooshes out of the Batmobile heading straight for the skyscraper ahead: in a matter of seconds The Wayne Tower collapses to the ground, rubble and ashes engulfing the whole district.

You clap, super excited at the final result which is in contrast with Bruce’s mood:

“I told you not to touch anything!” he scolds, annoyed the beloved building is history.

“Relax man,” J huffs. “The rich bastard has money to raise 10 more buildings if he makes out of the apocalypse alive! He’s loaded!”

“What does this button do?” you giggle and before Batman can grab your hand it’s a done deal: PING!!!! The chair you occupy with J gets ejected high up in the air while you both shout up a storm, happy this is more thrilling than any carnival fun:

“Weee!!!!!” is discerned as you two fly even higher until no more sounds are perceived by Gotham’s vigilante.

“Joker! Joker! Press the blue button on the right handle!!!” Bruce’s voice is heard in the speaker imbedded to the comfortable seat. J follows instructions for once and the parachute emerges, making the trip over the city a complete treat.

“This is the best date!” you cling to your man so you won’t fall.

“Use the arrows on the handle to direct the chair!” Batman informs and that’s the last piece of advice he’s willing to provide to the obnoxious royal pair.

The cracking sound in the speakers makes it clear he’s done chatting.

“Look, J! The Mariott Hotel!” you gesture at the destination that’s super close now.

“See? Told you the asshole will come in handy! We made it here in record time!” J praises his intuitive flair. “I recommend we use the Honeymoon suit, that’s the best one!”

“Why would we use it?” your temper suggests he dug himself into another hole. “We’re not married!”

“Hm?” The Joker feels the imminent slippery slope galloping his way.

“We’re not married, why would we use the Honeymoon suit?” Y/N repeats to the oblivious Joker.

“Umm… Why can’t we use it?” he asks for more details.

“Because we’re not married.”

“Are you proposing we should get married?” J prays the answer is no.

“I suppose,” you indifferently yawn.

“Probably not the best idea…” he attempts to back out of the deal.

“Listen here, J!” you lose your marbles at his hesitation. “Do you want to have sex in the Honeymoon suite or not?!!!”

“U-hum.”

“Then we’re getting married!!” you kiss him so hard he loses his breath.

One could argue J is indeed lucky since his Queen didn’t kill him for the repeated offenses: he got away the cheap way by agreeing to marry her.

The other guys in Villains League would be jealous to find out J stroke a marvelous bargain courtesy of his irrefutable SOB skills.

**************

After two hours

Frost picked up his employers from The Mariott Hotel and here they are back at the meeting. Furthermore, the henchman brought over the isotope grenade launcher as ordered this way The Joker can display his fantastic weapon.

“Ok folks, this is my prototype,” Mister Freeze is the first to show his best asset and in a nanosecond the SUV parked in front of you is nothing but ice.

Out of habit you kick the ice block with your sharp, high heeled stilettos; it shatters to pieces at everybody’s feet which prompts praise:

“We have something now!” Bane Mister bumps his fists together. ”Freeze will ice the enemies and Y/N will hit them afterwards and break the ice, this way there’s no escape! Joker, you’re next. What ‘cha got?”

“Ffftpppttt,” J blows a ticklish feather off his lips; he also has a few stuck in his hair from your pink dress: things got wild at the hotel thus he didn’t have a chance to completely freshen up. “Do you see The Wayne Bank in the distance?” he lifts the racket launcher on his shoulder. “No you don’t,” he cackles and the beam shooting from the weapon disintegrates the humongous construction instantly.

“Awesome!!!” Scarecrow praises.” Can’t wait to see you take out an alien ship with that badass isotope cannon!”

“I have no more ammo,” J nonchalantly bites his cheek.

“Say what now??!” Dent inquires.

“It’s a prototype, man,” J scoffs. “It only had one charge.”

“And you used it for nothing??!” Bane wants to punch J in the face.

“You people wanted to see what it does so I showed you!!”

“What the hell, Joker??!!” Two Face reprimands. “You could’ve store it for the battle!”

Quirrell starts among the members of The Villains League as Mister Freeze’s attention is drawn towards the radio blasting in his car.

“Everybody shut the hell up!!!” he shrieks as the news forecast victory around the planet: The Justice League defeated the enemy and Earth rejoices at the tremendous victory.

“Are you kidding me??!!” J is increasingly pissed. “Those pricks stole our glory!!!”

“This is bullshit!” Jonathan complaints because he didn’t have the opportunity to display his findings.

“Let’s go, Pumpkin!” The Joker drags you after him, vexed. “I’m gonna explode this town to shreds!”

“Weren’t we just trying to save it?” Y/N points out the obvious.

“Screw it!!!” your fiancée grumbles and ascends into the tank with you following him. The armed vehicle moves forward and passes over Dent’s car, leveling it to the pavement.

“Sorry Mister H!!!” your head pops up above the hatch. “He’s not wearing his contacts!”

“Insolent fucking bastard!” Dent cusses. “Joker did it on purpose!” he pants with outrage at the view of his bellowed BMW smashed for no reason.  

“Send him the bill,” Scarecrow comes up with a viable solution. “Need a ride?”

Dent doesn’t reply but indicates he wouldn’t be opposed to one.

The members of The Villains League scatter away from the parking lot that hosted their doomed gathering, making sure to take revenge for the affront suffered today.

They won’t be too far though, you never know when Gotham will need them again.

Also read: Masterlist

https://diyunho.tumblr.com/post/153664676321/joker-x-reader-masterlist

You can also follow me on Ao3 and Wattpad under the same blog name: DiYunho.