Depression. Fucking. Sucks.

Suicidal. Thoughts. Fucking. Suck.

I’m so tired...

All I need is a little hug..maybe a nice gesture..or words of motivation..maybe actually hold a conversation..not “I can’t help you”

But. It’s fine. I’ll deal with it alone.

Last time I tried to handle this alone I nearly overdosed. I’m fine.

I actually love having a different account where I can rant and no one sees. It’s great.

...well okay

You say we’re a partnership, and my opinion matters. Well, it doesn’t fucking seem that way. When I say I’m tired of people calling MY BABY their baby. It means tell them to fucking stop. I legit feel like I’m back in my last relationship where I have no say in anything. This fucking depression just keeps coming back, and it’s getting worse each goddamn time. I’m sick and tired of this. Maybe you should just raise this baby without me. God knows everyone would be better off without me. I add nothing to anyone’s life.

Maybe you’re both better off without me..

I always fuck up. One way or another...

Thinking

So, I’ve been thinking about going off the grid from social media for a little bit. This last week, it’s been all about my baby. I get it. It’s a newborn. But I literally have felt like a cow. I feed, and then pump. After she is fed my husband takes her from me and burps her and snuggles her. I haven’t gotten a real hug or kiss from him this entire week. Believe me. I love my baby, but i haven’t actually held her without her fussing or crying. He posts pictures with her all the time, and I’m just here. Like. Oh..okay I’m just here. I grew her for 9 months. I knew this was going to happen. That I would just get put to the side. Like I always do. It’s fine. I’m fine. I’ll deal with it. I’m just here to produce milk. I don’t need love. Is this me being selfish? I feel like I am. But I won’t say anything. I never do..

Struggling

So, I had a baby, and let me tell you. She’s only 4 days old, and she’s an absolute doll. I love her so much, but I feel like I haven’t actually had time with her like I want to. So many people have come and just want to hold her. Postpartum depression is a fucking bitch. I have had so much trouble pumping and I feel like I’m not good enough to be her mom.

My husband is being supportive, but I also feel like I’m not good enough for him. I cry, and I cry. My depression was tolerable during pregnancy and it was easy. But now I feel like I’m drifting away from my husband. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to deal with this. He and my baby shouldn’t have to deal with this. My friends already don’t want to deal with me. These thoughts going through my head I can’t make them stop.