the angel
i think the reason why the assassination of Julius Caesar is one of the funniest political assassinations is for this very simple reason:
1 guy stabs 1 guy: not funny. that's murder.
2 guys stab 1 guy: even less funny. that's two against one.
60 guys stab 1 guy: uproariously funny. why do you need so many guys.
The Kate Middleton mysteries, as channelled by Emery Robin (from here):
WRONG BLOG WRONG BLOG
You always wanted to be a Healer. Unfortunately, your dad was an Necromancer and your mother a Demon Summoner. So your healing was a bit… unconventional to say the least.
“Listen, is he alive? Technically, no. But his body is moving and his soul is controlling it, so frankly I don’t see a problem.”
A strange alien doctor stands near the unconscious body of Padme Amidala. “It appears she has lost the will to live.” A older man with a limp hobbles closer with the aid of a cane. “That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard,” says Dr. Gregory House.
-Keeps Padme on life support despite DNR, somehow this ends in him getting punched by Obi-Wan
-Immediately starts putting her on every treatment known to man
-Walks over to Wilson’s office, which is the only part of the entire ship that just looks the same as it does in the show
-Homoerotically complains about how stupid Jedi are, then makes a bet with Wilson on whether Obi Wan is gay or the father of Padme’s twins (Wilson wants House to believe people can be faithful)
-Padme almost dies again. Turns out the treatment’s not working
-“if the dark side nearly killed her, maybe it can save her”
-House uses force lightning to restart Padme’s heart
-Gets brought into Cuddy’s office and told off for using an experimental treatment, and the power of the dark side, in her hospital
-House is taken off the case and foreman is put in charge of the case
-Padme is unexpectedly doing better, but Cuddy refuses to tell House or else he’ll be using the dark side to save all his patients
-House watches on as Wilson tries seducing a relieved Obi Wan while he paces in the lobby. Doesn’t seem to work
-House interrogates Obi Wan about his relationship with Padme, insinuates it’s Obi Wans Fault. Gets in a struggle and once theyre seperated it’s revealed he ripped out some beard hair
-Padme is getting released from the hospital but crashes again with obvious signs of infection. Everyone blames the dark side of the force
-is put in intensive care again, everyone thinks she’s going to die, House is brooding.
-House meets Bail Organa and talks to him, Bail mentions how he was so worried about her the last time she was in a hospital, and this seems much more hopeless
-“what time she was in the hospital?”
-House marches in as they’re about to pull the plug, rolling Padme’s unconcious body over to point at dark spot on the back of her neck
-Foreman looks disapointed, “it’s a bruise house, her husband nearly snapped her neck.”
-“Our princess’ boyfriend here failed to mentioned she was scratched by a Nexu on Genosis years ago. Nexu claws are known as a vicious poison.”
-“it would have killed her years ago”
-“unless a small chunk of claw stuck in her back, working into the muscles near the nape of her neck for years. The little prince of Darkness chokes her, pressure and muscles spasming lets it work into a blood vessel. It’s why the force lightning only was a bandaid, it vaporized what was in her bloodstream but broke up the rest of the claw and let it enter in her bloodstream. Start her on dialysis, she’ll be fine by tomorrow afternoon.”
-Next day Padme’s wheeled out of the hospital with her two children, bittersweetness. House watches from balcony before going back to his office
-Wilson enters with his shirt unbuttoned and a few bruises on his neck, declaring, “the Jedi is gay. I win.”
-House holds up a paternity test, “he’s bisexual, it’s a draw”
It’s like a real house episode. I didn’t notice that House pulled Obi-wan’s beard hair out to get paternity test dna the first read through.
be sure to leave out milk and cookies for brutus tonight
You can leave as many cookies as you want but he’ll only et two
this remains the funniest addition anyone’s made to one of my posts
horror is always like oh no they're possessed by a demon well what about possessed by an angel? angelic possession is also horror.
That's scarier I think. To know the possession is Necessary. That any attempt to stop it will lead to greater tragedy as the angel's divine mission is interrupted. So you just have to sit there. And watch something else puppet your friend's body.
garf :3 💜💙
the full strip
That makes it WORSE
1850s Tumblr Dashboard Simulator
👸🏻 girlbossladyjane Follow
It really makes me sick to see people giving money to penny weeklies when Franklin's expedition STILL has not been found 😭 There are good men out there trapped in unimaginable temperatures and literally all that's needed is a little more funding for another rescue mission yet all you guys seem to care about are your vulgar little stories...
🧔🏻♂️ queerqueg Follow
the franklin expedition is dead as hell
👸🏻 girlbossladyjane Follow
Disgraceful thing to say but I'd expect nothing more from a M*lville fan
10,558 notes
👨🏻❤️💋👨🏻 hartgrindisreal
Sorry for posting so much about Tom Gradgrind/James Harthouse from Hard Times lately. It turns out that I was getting arsenic poisoning from my wallpaper? Anyway I took a seaside stroll and I'm normal now. Check your walls y'all
#whyyy did i assume they were committing unlawful actions together like where did i even get that from lol #hard times isn't even that good by dickens standards tbh
659 notes
🎨 asherbrowndurand
Just painted this
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ss-arctic-girlie-deactivated18540927
RIP Napoleon... you may have been unable to conquer Alexander's Russia but you sure as hell conquered Alexander's bed
🖼️ preraphaelitebro Follow
HERITAGE POST
📝 shakespearesforehead Follow
How does this have less than 100k notes you could literally not avoid this post back in the 20s lol
82,170 notes
🌄 loyalromantic Follow
poets just aren't dying young in mysterious water-related incidents like they used to :/
#as useless and degenerative as i find 'the living poets' and i'm glad we're finally moving on from them #i have to agree with op in this respect
6,884 notes
🎀 thefopdiaries Follow
I finally got a daguerreotype of myself ^_^ Porcelain urn for scaling
📜 bartlebi-thescrivener
i think i hauve consumption
112 notes
🐋 whaler4life
They found oil in the ground??? WTF. THIS IS LITERALLY THE WORSTTTT. FUCK MY LIFE FOR REAL THIS TIME
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🌿 naturesnaturalist Follow
I swear this website has 0 reading comprehension skills. Darwin NEVER claimed we "evolved" from apes like if one of you guys actually bothered to open his new book you'll see all his arguments are backed up by evidence. He actually makes a lot of sense
#sure there's nuance like i don't fully agree with all of it #but his general theory of natural selection seems pretty sound imo
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🤵🏻♂️ byronicherotournament Follow
🙈 butchbronte Follow
Of course these are the finalists lmao this website is so predictable. Anyway vote Heathcliff if you dont i'm going to assume you're a phrenologist
📖 sapphichelenburns Follow
It's not problematic to acknowledge the fact that Heathcliff was a brute like he literally killed dogs in case you forgot. #rochestersweep
🙈 butchbronte Follow
I love the implication here that Rochester never did anything cruel either. He literally locked his wife in the attic and lied to Jane about it 😭 like that was a pretty significant thing that happened
📖 sapphichelenburns Follow
And? God forbid women do anything
#why'd you have to pit two bad bitches against each other #anyway i'm not attracted to men but still went with rochester #bc in terms of living quarters thornfield hall > wuthering heights easily
8,027 notes
👨🏻❤️💋👨🏻 hartgrindisreal
Not the Russian tsar dying immediately after hartgrind became canon
#i know dickens hasn't technically confirmed it yet but like. SOMETHING was strongly implied ok #see: my previous post #dickensposting
522 notes
👨🏻❤️💋👨🏻 hartgrindisreal
LORD HELP ME. THE BODY LANGUAGE. THE WAY THEY'RE LOOKING AT EACH OTHER. AHHHHHH
#this installment!!! im-- #dickensposting #i can't fucking cope #dickens wants to KILL us he wants us DEAD....
2,309 notes
⭐️ newamerican
Hi guys sorry I haven't been posting lately it's been so difficult getting to California 💀 I'm finally here now though just need to find a pickaxe and soon I'll be digging! :-) wish me luck lol
#gold #gold rush #gold rush grind #california #adventure
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hey. what do a selkie and a ziploc bag have in common
resealable
(Sigh)
(Reblog)
spock’s room decor is actually fucking bonkers. The weapons??? the big red velvet curtain??? like ok phantom of the opera go crazy.
for reference jim’s room has some photos and a plant so we can surmise this is uniquely a spock being a dramatic weirdo thing
You are judging Spock’s room through human associations tastes. Remember, Vulcan blood is green and the planet Vulcan is red (Discovery even adds to this by showing red trees around Sarek’s property).
On Vulcan, red is the color of nature, so (assuming Vulcans even assign meaning to colors), red is likely a very calm and soothing color choice. Green is probably the Vulcan color of passion and/or danger.
From a Vulcan perspective, Spock’s room is a cozy cottage core with some historical knickknacks hung around.
Kirk’s green carpet, green plants, green lighting room is the Vulcan equivalent of a boudoir at best or blood-stained slaughterhouse at worst.
so what you're saying is Vulcan children's hospitals-
I am so thrilled that Goncharov (1973) is getting a resurgence. I’ve always thought it was one of Scorsese’s most underrated, and it’s also one of my all-time favorite film scores.
Big shout-out to @caramiaaddio for uploading the main theme earlier. Since people seem to be enjoying it so much, I figured I’d dig up the fully-orchestrated version that plays over the end credits of the film.
Enjoy!
The string heavy score of Goncharov always pleased me. Who else remembers this piece, the confrontation on the bridge, the cutaways to the clock?
a paint sketch of our fair lady katya while i rewatch goncharov (1973)