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Kurt Braunohler

@kurtbraunohler / kurtbraunohler.tumblr.com

I'm a comedian.
Go to my website for more info
www.kurtbraunohler.com
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Finally, the beaver joke from my Comedy Central hour "Trust Me", is now online. Featuring a very very dumb finale. Watch the whole special, "Trust Me" on iTunes - https://itunes.apple.com/us/movie/kurt-braunohler-trust-me/id1204068777

Amazon - https://www.amazon.com/Kurt-Braunohler-Trust-Me/dp/B06XCSKTCM

or www.standup.com

#comedy
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‪I'm at @DrafthouseDC this weekend July 14-15. Come enjoy an invisible sandwich with me. Use code pfkbtxts online http://drafthousecomedy.com/event.cfm?id=486771‬

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All 6 eps of our new show, WEDLOCK, are up on Audible Channels! Also I'm just finding out about this dent in my ass. 

In the first episode we watch Bonobos pork, talk to a cam girl, and generally reveal too much. Theme music by Nick Thorburn! 

To listen - get the Audible app for your phone, and go to the Channels section! It should be on the main page.

#podcast#audible#comedy#sex#couples
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I think I finally made something Tumblr would like?

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Hey I made this for all those times you get into an argument and some idiot just keeps posting memes. Show the idiots we can out-idiot them. Feel free to use.

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8 Words That Start with The Letter P That Are Better Than You Remember

2017 is here and everybody at kurtbraunohler.com is excited to remind you that yes, words do still start with P! Even in the new year! Here’s our Top Eight Best Words That Start with P in 2017 - don’t diss ‘em, you can’t!

  • Pendergrast
  • Pelosi
  • Procrastinate
  • Pellini
  • Pesta
  • Py

What a list! Those are definitely, without a doubt, the best P words in 2017! Don't agree? Print this list and mail it to 5 people with the words, "Can you believe this?" written on it in marker, and ask them to send it to 15 people or they will have bad sex for the next year. Threaten them a little if you think that will help. Then we'll truly find out what are the best P words in 2017!

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D.A.D.s

So this is our new America. Wow. I think a lot of people are looking for an explanation on how this happened. And it turns out that the largest percentage of Trump supporters were married white men. Most of them with families.

So, Dads! Dads did this? What the fuck, Dads?!

So now we know who the real enemy in this country is: Dads. And I'm about to be a Dad. So that's why I'm starting a new organization: Dads Against Dads - aka D.A.D.s

Dads are supposed to protect us, make sure their girls are safe, cut up orange slices for half-time at soccer, and tell shitty jokes: "Here pull my finger... surprise I voted for a hateful dictator!" 

NO! BAD DAD! BAD!

So that's what D.A.D.s is all about: getting Dads back to what they do best - having tools, enjoying Sundays, grilling - not creating a country where their daughters are second class citizens. So it's time for Dads to fight back against Dads.

So if you see a Dad wearing a "Build the Wall" shirt, lead him into the nearest garage and tell him his kid needs a treehouse built instead. If you see a Dad wearing a "Trump that Bitch" shirt, hand him a power washer and tell him his house is dirty. If you see a Dad being hateful, sexist, racist, xenophobic, tell him that he was put on this planet to protect his kids, not from muslims and gay people, but from hate, ignorance, and fear. Tell that Dad it’s is time to start being a Dad, again.

All Dads Against Dads - join me in this fight. Share this and tag your favorite D.A.D.

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The Haunting

This weekend my wife and I will be performing in a hotel suite at the Washington Square Hotel, in New York City. We wrote (what I guess you would call) an interactive play, called “The Haunting”, specifically for these rooms, based on the last year of our lives.

The audience is very limited: only 15 people at a time will enter the room and experience the event with us. This is unlike anything either of us have ever done, and I’m a bit scared and excited to show it to people. It’s funny, and sad, and very intense, but hopefully in a good way.

There’s still a few tickets left, but they’re going fast, so get them now: https://www.eventbrite.com/e/the-artist-room-haunting-with-kurt-braunohler-lauren-cook-tickets-28374471809

The event is produced by CMYK, and sponsored by the Washington Square Hotel. Hope to see you there.

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reblogged

Day 9

NOTE: This is not a continuation from day 8 – I’m going to wait until a card comes along that pushes me to finish that story.

“The most important thing is the thing most easily forgotten.”

Finally! One that I understand! What is the most easily forgotten thing?

I actually have a pretty terrible memory. They say that your subconscious mind remembers everything, but your conscious mind lacks the ability to access it properly. I wish I could figure out how to remember more things from my past. I have forgotten so much.

An Incomplete List of Things I’ve forgotten:

  • how to play the piano
  • how to play the guitar
  • how to play the saxophone
  • all my friends’ phone number from high school
  • all but one of my friends’ phone numbers from my pre-cellphone days, except for one – Damien’s, wait, fuck! I only know half of it now.
  • All the math I ever learned
  • Proust’s “The Swan’s Way” (Ironic, I know!)
  • The name of every teacher I ever had in elementary school except for two – First grade - Mrs. High Horse (I’m not kidding. She was married to a native guy.) and Mrs. Ritchie
  •  The names of the twins I dated in 6th grade. I THINK their last name was English – because I seem to recall referring to them collectively as the English Twins. They were from Ocean Grove. I would date one, then she would break up with me, and her sister would ask me out at the same time. It was fine with me because I honestly could not tell them apart. I touched one of their boobs. It was at a showing of Dirty Dancing at the Bradley Beach cinema. I had taken her sister to see the same movie at the same theatre the week prior. I wish I could remember their names.
  • Everything I learned as a boy scout.
  • The plot of every book I read in high school.
  • The names of most of the girls I kissed in high school.
  • Every conversation I had at lunch in high school.
  • All the phone numbers I had before my current number.
  • Most jokes I think of
  • Every baseball game, basketball game, and soccer game I ever played growing up. Not a single specific memory. Just a general feeling of dislike.
  • All the bumper stickers on my first car (there were a lot), except for one: I had bought a “Question Authority” bumper sticker, but I cut off the “Authority” and painted “Yourself”. So I drove around with a bumper sticker that said “Question Yourself”. Man I was unbearable.
  • Close to every scene I improvised over 8 years of improvising almost every night of the week. Except for a handful. I remember my first scene. And maybe 4 or 5 others. That’s it.
  • The names and faces of every single person I worked with at Jersey Mike’s Subs in Wall, NJ, the Avon Pavilion on the boardwalk, Nifty Fifties Diner in Baltimore, or the Hopkins library.
  • I don’t even remember the name of the coffee shop I worked at when I first moved to Brooklyn in 1998.
  • The name of the lunatic tow-truck driver I had to repeatedly call to tow the piece of shit 1979 Vespa I bought when I was 24.
  • The names of the boys who lived next door to me growing up (at the house my mom called “the druggies house”) who I played with a lot.
  • The brand of the used, single-fin surfboard my mom bought me for Christmas when I was 14 years old. I loved that board. I also forgot what happened to it. Where did it go?
  • The names of most people I meet.

And there it is, the thing I most easily forget are names. And a name is pretty damn important. 

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kurtbraunohler

I’ve got another blog where I write every day based on these cards written by Brian Eno and Peter Schmidt called Oblique Strategies. Give it a follow if that seems interesting to you.

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A handful of tickets left for my Comedy Central Hour Special taping in Portland this weekend! http://www.theblacklistnyc.com/kurt.htm

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