I KNEW IT WAS GONNA BE THE GRAPES

the most unrealistic thing about harry potter

is that no teacher ever called him James by accident, or that Ron never was called “Bill-, eh Charl-, no Per-, argh!”

As a younger sister who knows this struggle all too well: THIS IS REAL. Pretty sure 70% of my past teachers still think I’m called what my sister is called in fact.

Imagine Fred being called Percy by McGonagall accidentally and then he gets so offended that he refers to her by “Professor [insert any other name but McGonagall” for the rest of the year, costing Gryffindor a considerable amount of points one at a time.

From then on, she vows to just call them all Mr Weasley.

Until Ginny comes along and she calls her Mr Weasley by accident and Ginny “accidentally’ calls her Sir and it starts again.

It’s lightly off-topic but also slightly relevant but I have long cherished this mental image of Professor Snape saying something snappish to Harry in just the wrong tone of voice and Harry absentmindedly, wearily, and completely accidentally responding with, “Yes, Aunt Petunia.”

which would have all kinds of additional ramifications when you remember snape is the only one who knew petunia personally

He asks Harry to stay after class and straight up asks him “Am I truly that unpleasant?”

Okay, okay, okay, this is probably deeply off-track, but all I can think of is Harry––who upon learning that Snape, of all people, his pain in the neck potions professor knows his aunt––has now received what can only be called a psychic punch to balls. 

How, how, how, is a teenage boy supposed to rectify this, mentally? Connect these strange unjoined worlds to somehow explain that Snape––Snape!––knows his Aunt Petunia?

“It doesn’t make any sense, mate,” Harry tells Ron, blearily, desperately wishing at age thirteen years that his butter beer was a real beer. “It just––it can’t be. Why would he know Aunt Petunia?” Ron grimaces. “Why would he want to? I mean, I know he’s Snape, and all that, but––”

Harry writes his only letter back to #4 Privet Drive, dotted with tears, and it has one line: How do you know Severus Snape?

Petunia writes back: DO NOT MENTION THAT MAN EVER AGAIN. 

And this. This. Sparks a light in Harry’s head. This is the same way Petunia talks about celebrities who have deeply, personally offended her. Usually when she fancied them and then they got married. It’s so completely clear to him, now: Snape is deeply, irrevocably, utterly in love with Aunt Petunia. 

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Let’s Have Another Bullet Point Story, Courtesy of a Friend

Sokka: Aang y'know how you took away Ozai’s firebending?

Aang: I recall yes

Sokka: can I have it

Aang: …what?

Sokka: can I have his firebending. just for like ten minutes

Aang: what no

Sokka: why not I wanna prank zuko

Aang:

Aang:

Aang: okay five minutes

Zuko, bursting in Katara’s door: HOW LONG HAS SOKKA BEEN A FIREBENDER

Katara, who has no context but likes to mess with Zuko: our whole lives why

he’s got a spark in him 🌻🎨✨

The other day I went to McDonald’s with my family and the guy who took my order was really loud and was basically like “HAPPY HOLIDAYS WHAT CAN I GET YOU” and I was like wow I can’t let this guy outmatch me so I yelled “I’LL TAKE A HAPPY MEAL WITH THE NUG NUGS IF I MAY” you know, like a natural well-adjusted epitome of adulthood 19 year old and he was like “CERTAINLY WOULD YOU LIKE THE MIGHTY KIDS MEAL INSTEAD WITH EXTRA FRIES” and I was so sleep deprived I essentially blacked out and apparently leaned over the counter like I was robbing the place, raised my eyebrow like a suave robin hood and said “HECK YES I WOULD GOOD SIR” and then I sat down and he yelled from across the store “WOULD YOU LIKE THE PURPLE OR BLUE SPIDER-MAN” and since purple is the more superior color that’s how I answered and long story short my parents think college changed me and that I’m now the poster child for being social and I’ve only been asked once why I’m not in a relationship yet but I know it’s gonna be brought up again and how do i tell my parents it’s because whenever I eat in the dining hall I spend the entire time playing bumper cars with the wheeley chairs and all I eat is pixie sticks and the last time I was in the library (where I’m supposed to work next semester, deAr GoD) I ripped my leggings in the bathroom pulling up my pants and I walked the entire 20 mins back to my dorm with my neon underwear peeking out from the holes like a 17th century harlot with a cocaine addiction and I’ve essentially been living off jars of peanut butter and the soundtrack to the bee movie for the past year

there’s more information in this post than there was in the library of alexandria

op did you breathe typing this because I didn’t while reading it

has anyone ever had the problem where you literally never want to do anything that you cannot reap benefits from immediately

like maybe I’m hungry but everything I have in the house at the moment would take 10+ minutes to prepare so I just……put off making the food for WAY longer than it would have taken to prepare the food when I first got hungry

Or i want to order some necessary thing online but the website says it will take a week to get here and i’m like “oh well fuck that” so I put off ordering it for like a week

Or if im like “I should clean my room because I like when it’s clean” but I know it’ll take me a couple hours so I don’t do it for like six months

It’s like there are only two times for me: right this instant and The Entire Rest Of The Future.

“due to personal reasons i will ____” is so fucking funny because it implies both that whatever you’re doing is some kind of self care AND that it’s nobody else’s goddamn business 

Type “Due to personal reasons I will” and let your phone predict what you will

Due to personal reasons I will be on the floor yesterday

Due to personal reasons I will not be able to get the chance to hang.

the mighty nein + wolfpupy tweets

Beau

Fjord

Jester

Caleb

Nott

Molly

Yasha

Caduceus

an old white dude in taco bell saw me wearing my wal-mart vest and gave me a speech about how i need to quit retail and get a REAL job so i could one day “get a car like that” and pointed at my own damn car

for everyone that asked, i just said “you’re right” and then got in my car and drove away

“The people curse my name and pray for you, but you’re the one who was ready to abandon them.”

“Make me your villian”

Destroy the idea that you have to be constantly working or grinding in order to be successful. Embrace the concept that rest, recovery, and reflection are essential parts of the progress towards a successful and ultimately happy life.

It’s okay to stay alive for the small stuff. Who will water my plants? Who will feed the dog? I want to hear that new album before I go. I want to see the next episode of this show. There’s no inadequate reason to stay alive.

miles “who’s morales” morales’s biggest weakness is the cover story

So you’re a young lady living in Mulan’s village. Like the other girls you get all dolled up and go to the matchmaker to find a husband.

The local tomboy goes first so you’re chilling outside, psyching yourself up, chatting up the gals, when you hear a crash from inside followed by screaming.

Out runs the matchmaker, she’s covered in ink and on fire. Mulan throws an entire kettle of steaming tea in her face. The matchmaker yells at her that she will never be married or bring her family honor. It’s been at most five minutes.

What do you do? Do you just, like, go home? Explain to your family you didn’t get a husband cause your neighbor set the matchmaker on fire? Do you go inside and try your luck at getting a husband on the 50-50 shot she gives all the well behaved girls good husbands out of spite while risking her foul mood giving everyone shitty matches?

Idk I just wanna know how that afternoon went for everyone else there.