WHERE WOULD YOU MOST LIKE TO VISIT ON YOUR PLANET?
Home. Wherever the hell that is.
Hey friends. It’s been a really fun couple of years. I’ve learned a lot and made some good friends here. But after this post, I’m going to quit Tumblr. I’ll leave my Tumblr up so that folks can still link and reblog stuff, but I’m going to set the recovery e-mail address to one that’s set to self-destruct and buttonmash the password. I’m sad to be stepping away from the community I’ve built here, it feels like the closest thing to an “online community” that I’ve had since I was a teen back in the days of DeadJournal and band messageboards, but I feel like Tumblr and especially my attachment to this particular blog is becoming increasingly detrimental to my ability to self-care and putting strain on my relationship with someone who’s really important to me. It’s a continuous distraction both from accomplishing meaningful work and from making headway on the prosaic but necessary daily life shit I need to do to support myself so that I can maintain an environment in which accomplishing said meaningful work is possible. All of these things need to be higher priorities for me. There will be other communities, other social networks, other online formats, other friends. Nothing is permanent except change. If you’d like to get ahold of me, please find me at one of my blogs, on Diaspora*, or by e-mailing foxtale at riseup dot net. I don’t check or update any of those places very often, but that’s where you’ll be the most likely to find me. Thanks for all the fish. Take care. <3
quick aside on yr cop/dom analogy: realised one of the reasons I'm constantly feeling Unqualified in rq discussions is I've *never actually been part of* a BDSM Scene - it's a place I've visited, I've friends who spent a lot of time there, but in the same way I've watched cop shows but had basically no IRL interactions of any kind with cops, the majority of ppl I know who've identified as doms or anything like it have been less like cops, more like big fans of cop shows. It's a weird remove...
Lol. This is actually a great analogy and explains a lot of what might be going on in the heads of many Dom-apologists. If someone had never interacted with a real cop, and only ever seen cops on TV or talked to ppl about their favorite cop shows, it might make way more sense to argue that “cops are people, too,” etc. But real life cops are not like the cops you see on television, and real life doms are not like the doms you read about in fanfic.
Er I'm sorry I can't figure out a way to say this that doesn't sound passive aggressive but I swear I'm not trying to do that-when you say "the things you find valuable about the BDSM Scene are available elsewhere (and better!)" do you have some particular elsewhere in mind right now, or is that a kind of "should be available, building the future" thing?(I'm sorry again.I get loneliness issues a lot and I kept coming back to that line. Then reading twitter and remembered that I could send asks.)
Hey. Yeah, don’t worry, I read it as a legitimate concern and not a passive-aggressive inquiry, and I totally hear you on the loneliness thing. And yes, I do have particular places/spaces/strategies in mind that exist today and concrete details I can share about them, and I really should write my own personal story up somewhere at some point. Because the fact is that I have never participated in the BDSM scene and the majority of my sex and relationships have had kinky components -- most of which were significantly more healthy and rolequeer than what goes on in the BDSM Scene. In fact, it blew my mind when I met actual BDSMers and realized people were really doing kink in such disturbing ways. So yeah, I know I should write a field guide or something, instead of just assuring people it’s out there. I guess we sort of stated that with the Bandana Guide (a zine we wanted to write for this specific purpose.) It just hasn’t been a priority for me lately. Sorry. But anyway, again, getting this out of my inbox and into the public sphere so that other people will take this inquiry up, ‘cause I’m not the only one.
Hi; sending private because yeah: I just thought you should know that, whatever your opinions on the predator alert tools (and I agree they can be useful) I'm worried about them because of their creator - maymay is a person who routinely threatens people who disagree with them and tells them to kill themselves, and their similar Fetlife tool a) did publicise private information and b) labelled people as predators for being disliked or having the wrong kinks.
Y’know, I saved this in my inbox because I was intending at some point to make it public re: highlighting to my followers the kind of back-alley whisper campaigns that happen every time the Predator Alert Tool gets shared on social media. Which is to say, people like you claim they have a problem with the creator not the tool, that it’s not the tool they’re trying to censor, but then they respond to people sharing the tool by sending total strangers bullshitty defamation about the creator -- which seems like a pretty classic silencing tactic to me. Especially since none of the claims you just made are true. Maymay does not “routinely threaten people who disagree with them.” Maymay responds aggressively to people who attack and insult them personally, which is different from “disagreeing” with them -- something myself and others do constructively all the time. Don’t go starting shit with somebody and then clutch your pearls and act all shocked when they come back at you harder than you expected. It makes it way too obvious that the reason you picked on them in the first place was because you expected them to be weaker than you and just take it. That’s fucked up.And of course the Predator Alert Tools “publicize private information”, that is the whole point. Your concern about protecting the private information of rapists and abusers is a really fucked up priority. If you want to understand more about the nature of the Predator Alert Tools and why they are not moderated (thereby allowing people to, yes, occasionally use them to OMG criticize someone else’s kinks) consider reading the Predator Alert Tool for Facebook FAQ. It’s right there, it’s easy to find, and it addresses all your concerns including your concerns about Maymay.That being said, I’m mostly bothering to publish this at all before I leave Tumblr because I wanted to make sure I got the chance to tell you to go to hell before I went.
(1) So, um. I'm sorry, I thought I understood this, but the venn diagram post is making me feel like I don't again. What do you guys use the term 'BDSM' to mean? I thought it was a reference to the BDSM scene/community & its associated culture etc. But the venn diagram post seems to be using this "about abuse" definition with "getting off on stories (or the actual acts) of powerful actors overpowering vulnerable ones." But then puts all of BDSM under abuse, so like if something is 'about abuse'
I typically use “BDSM” to describe kink that is rooted in the fetishization of authority and apologism for oppression culture. This describes the BDSM Scene and its related culture, but it also describes the influence that culture has had on mainstream notions of sexuality (and the sources of those notions in oppression culture) even among people who do not identify with “the public BDSM Scene” or whatever. Also, I don’t know what the hell I’m talking about or what any of these words mean anyway. Everything is in draft format. Don’t ever take anything I say as an authoritative statement. I’m just trying to figure all of this out.
So, um, I recently saw the term "rolequeer" for the first time, and I'm trying to figure out what exactly that means. I was told that you're one of the people who was there for the coining of the term (or close enough to?), so you'd be a good person to ask. Is there a definition for rolequeer? If not, can you sum up what it is?
Hi. There’s no official definition of “rolequeer” but there’s a lot of discussion about it online. Start here with Rolequeer: Defining Our Terms. There’s also a rolequeer Tumblr, and there’s a rolequeer wiki in the works with definitions of various terms and an FAQ and such. Keep an eye out for that.At this point, you can also just try using Google. It might’ve not returned many results when you first sent me this ask ages ago, but hopefully it’ll be a little more useful now. Good luck. :)
Dear future me,
Dear future me,
I’m really sorry. I’m trying the best I can but it probably won’t be enough. I hope you’re not in too much pain.
Dear past me,
Dear past me,
Run away from home.
For the meme - Dear person I hate
Dear person I hate,
I know you’ll probably go to your grave believing that what you did was right, but it wasn’t. You really fucked up some good peoples’ lives.
Clearing out inbox as quickly as possible. Expect short out of context posts starting now.
Also from my drafts folder. Just a cute photo of Maymay coding at the Apple Store while they waited to get word back about their computer repair. They were immersed in a coding project -- I think this one was for Diaspora* -- and couldn’t be stopped even by a broken keyboard, so they turned to whatever other resources were available. ;)
unquietpirate-blog reblogged
"But I don't wanna be 'a sub'! So why does it turn me on so much?!" And other questions.
Lately, I’ve been having a lot of questions from men who are interested in submission, considering the idea of submission, wondering if submission is for them, etc. Many of them ask how other men “came to terms with” or “accepted” their submissive desires.
(I get this question literally daily, so to all you lovely, curious, men worried that submission (or kink at all) is somehow “wrong,” you’re not the only one! In fact, I’d say the vast majority of kinksters go through something like seven stages, haha. First inkling, curiosity, shame, arousal, confusion, embarrassment, excitement, nervous exploration, and/or any combination of the above. It’s soooo worth the brain power to think about! Self-exploration and introspection for the win!)
Anyway! I could write my advice, and often I do try to craft the best reply I can, but seeing as I have not personally had the experience of realizing a desire for submission and then embracing it, I don’t think it is very helpful.
That’s where you come in! I’m looking to build a master list of posts that have something to do with the theme of: - realizing you’re interested in submission - wondering why you like submission - coming to terms with submissive inclinations - thoughts about being submissive vs a switch vs dominant in individual scenes vs as an identity label - what it means to you to be submissive - or anything else along those lines!
(It can be be or about any gender, by the way! This issue isn’t specific to men at all, I just personally see the question from them a lot more, and I think they have some unique hurdles in the way of what Society Says and all that jazz. But again, looking for stuff about anybody, any gender, having realizations about submission.)
If you want to write something (long or short!), that would be absolutely amazing and wonderful. If you know of an article, blog post, etc somewhere else online, I’d appreciate you sending me the link. Meanwhile, I’ll be off doing some searching of my own (I already know of a few fantastic resources that I intend on linking to! Ferns, disheveled domina, come to mind!), and possibly interviewing some of the lovely men in my life. I’ll also post this on my other blog (which is already pretty dedicated to this topic *smile*), and hope some of y’all might reblog this too so I can collect as much as possible.
I look forward to seeing what I can collect! It would make me so happy to have a master post I can refer to when these potential burgeoning kinksters write to me.
Maria
I’m still gathering things for this! Please send me links to things! Or write things! Exclamation point!
I’m still gathering things for this! Please send me links to things! Or write things! Exclamation point!
Okay, wait. Hold the phone. Just pause for a second.
When addressing the question of why someone feels discomfort about something that turns them on, it's important to understand why they feel uncomfortable before telling them to just get over it. (And then offering them helpful resources to do so!)
There are many reasons why a person who is turned on by submissive sexual tropes might still not want to "be a sub."
Yes, of course, there's the cliche sex-positive assumption that they're just ashamed of their desire, that sex-negative society has taught them that there's something "wrong" with BDSM, and that as soon as they realize they're not alone in their desire to grovel naked and desperate at their hot PVC-clad Mistress's feet while she calls them names and tells them to go clean the bathroom, they'll be well on their way to becoming a happy, well-adjusted, sexually satisfied submissive kinkster. Or it might be the case that they're turned on by some submissive
Maybe their desires do come from a history of abuse.
Maybe their desires are politically problematic, feminism, blah.
Maybe they have a gut instinct that There is something wrong with BDSM and they don't want to participate in it in any role.
Self-exploration and introspection for the win, indeed. But let's not assume that the outcome of that process is going to be the same for everybody.
. . .
I found this in my drafts folder. It’s from ages ago. I intended to flesh it out a little and add some links relevant to each of the “objections” I listed above, but I’m not going to do that now. I’m posting it in the hopes that somebody else will take that on for me. Thanks.
unquietpirate-blog reblogged
This is what love looks like.
Every day? Because a 1 time feel good gesture won’t do them much good.
unquietpirate
Also, I mean, I’m sure this feels nice and it’s a considerate thought, especially if they are offering to give people free peanut butter sandwiches in perpetuity. But people dumpster for all kinds of food – including people who have kitchens but can’t afford enough groceries to stock them, so dumpstering provides some of the ingredients required to cook and feed their families. Saying that someone is a “human being” who is “worth more” than a meal from a dumpster is a pretty fucked up way of implying that there’s something “worthless” and “inhuman” about people who do choose to supplement their diet with food that others have thrown away. Maybe the person going through their trash is making something far more tasty with this store’s leftovers than boring old PB&J and some carrot sticks. The latter is not automatically preferable or “better food” just because it didn’t come from the trash. Not to mention, there are many reasons why someone who is dumpstering might not want to come inside and ask you for a sandwich – not least of which is the huge amounts of stigma in this society attached to poverty and begging, and the fact that what they’ve been doing is illegal and how do they know they can trust you, sign-posting stranger? Here’s a much more sustainable and considerate solution: If you’re throwing away food that is still edible on the regular, instead of cramming it in the dumpster to rot alongside your bathroom waste and floor sweepings, put it in a To Go box or other container on top of the dumpster and then don’t call the cops when somebody comes by to pick it up. A lot of fast food restaurants, grocery stores, and other establishments that are forced by health codes to throw away perfectly good food already do this. It’s common courtesy.
ETA: Ugh. I just looked at the post on this restaurant’s Facebook page and there are 300+ reshares and like a zillion gushy comments from people talking about what great humanitarians they are, and how this is the kind of business they want to support, and promising to come in buy something next time they’re in town. (Apparently they’re in a town near me, too, so maybe I should go in and give them some...helpful advice.)
Source: on.mash.to
unquietpirate-blog reblogged
This is what love looks like.
Every day? Because a 1 time feel good gesture won’t do them much good.
Also, I mean, I’m sure this feels nice and it’s a considerate thought, especially if they are offering to give people free peanut butter sandwiches in perpetuity. But people dumpster for all kinds of food -- including people who have kitchens but can’t afford enough groceries to stock them, so dumpstering provides some of the ingredients required to cook and feed their families. Saying that someone is a “human being” who is “worth more” than a meal from a dumpster is a pretty fucked up way of implying that there’s something “worthless” and “inhuman” about people who do choose to supplement their diet with food that others have thrown away. Maybe the person going through their trash is making something far more tasty with this store’s leftovers than boring old PB&J and some carrot sticks. The latter is not automatically preferable or “better food” just because it didn’t come from the trash. Not to mention, there are many reasons why someone who is dumpstering might not want to come inside and ask you for a sandwich -- not least of which is the huge amounts of stigma in this society attached to poverty and begging, and the fact that what they’ve been doing is illegal and how do they know they can trust you, sign-posting stranger? Here’s a much more sustainable and considerate solution: If you’re throwing away food that is still edible on the regular, instead of cramming it in the dumpster to rot alongside your bathroom waste and floor sweepings, put it in a To Go box or other container on top of the dumpster and then don’t call the cops when somebody comes by to pick it up. A lot of fast food restaurants, grocery stores, and other establishments that are forced by health codes to throw away perfectly good food already do this. It’s common courtesy.
Source: on.mash.to
unquietpirate-blog reblogged
Wait… hold up. Every state is colored in. That can’t be right… right?
Unfortunately, the map is accurate. And it’s especially problematic for millennial women, who are much more likely to have a bachelor’s degree or higher than millennial men, but who are consistently earning less living and living in poverty more.
SLAMS THE REBLOG BUTTON
It did not even occur to me for a second that there would be any states where this was not the case?
There’s something to be said about the way liberals will practically worship the notion of specialized labor or experts as authorities on certain topics but will regularly not acknowledge that they do this. When liberals ask what we mean by communism or how they will get their toothbrushes under communism they ask us for something they couldn’t do themselves and still justify capitalism.
How many liberals know where their food comes from and who farms it, or what money supplies are and how they work, or how currency inflates and deflates other than overprinting or underprinting, or how countries agree on exchange rates, or how markets can open and close, or even how manufacturing is managed, or how money can be produced without physical sales or with stocks? They proclaim that their precious economists have figured it out and done this work -for- them because if they had to think about the levels of violence inherent on everything to do and think and buy they would be unable to justify it and would be unable to convince themselves that their individual choices have the weight they’d like to think they do.