I like haunted houses in theory BUT I have no idea how to react when the actors speak to you. They ask me a question and I just… answer it…

The scariest part of a haunted house is the unscripted social interaction.

Scary nurse in a creepy voice: “Do you have an appointment to see the doctor?”

Me: “Uh. Do you accept walk-ins?”

Scary farmer: “I like to kill people!”

My friend, brightly: “I like to die!”

Zombie : “AARRRGH”

Me : “Do you get dental insurance?”

Zombie : “TEETH!!”

This happened to me.

Scary prison dude: HELLO

Me: Nice to meet you!

Him: (pause) No it’s noooooot

My worst horror house experience was when I couldn’t find the (rather obvious) exit and the guy chasing me with a chainsaw stopped, sighed and pointed me to the exit, saying “please scream as loud as you can when you run out there” and just left. I disappointed the horror house chainsaw dude and I will never get over that

Guy: They are all my friends.. (motioning to hanging corpses; then grabs a noose) Will you be my friend?  Me: Sure totally, you made me a friendship necklace? Oh my god your so sweet?  Guy: … Yes.. Please, let me.. I cant I cant just go (laughing).  – Got to walk a second time through–  Same guy: My friends -wailing-  Me: I came back I just really wanted to be friends so bad Guy: (laughing more) Please, Im not allowed to laugh. 

I went to a Haunted House and literally befriended every actor there.

Specifically, I remember;

There were zombies walking around in the waiting room. I said “Hi!” and he gave me a high five. Every time he passed from then on, I got a high five.

Near the end, there were these twin little girls. “Come play with us.” They said. “Okay!” I said. “Forever.” They said. “Oh, sorry, can’t do that. I’m busy.”

I could hear them giggling.

Guy playing Freddie Kruger: Remember, you are all my children!

Me: thanks dad

A small chorus of teenagers: thanks dad

Source Click HERE to Follow the Ultrafacts Blog!

ALICE ROOSEVELT WAS HARDCORE. “She was known as a rule-breaker in an era when women were under great pressure to conform. The American public noticed many of her exploits. She smoked cigarettes in public, swore at officials, rode in cars with men, stayed out late partying, kept a pet snake named Emily Spinach (Emily as in her spinster aunt and Spinach for its green color) in the White House, and was seen placing bets with a bookie. 

So what I’m reading here is, she was a Roosevelt?

Well I have a new hero.

Her whole wikipedia article is gold

“When her father was governor of New York, he and his wife proposed that Alice attend a conservative school for girls in New York City. Pulling out all the stops, Alice wrote, ‘If you send me I will humiliate you. I will do something that will shame you. I tell you I will.’”

“Her father took office in 1901 following the assassination of President William McKinley, Jr. in Buffalo (an event that she greeted with “sheer rapture.”)“

“During the cruise to Japan, Alice jumped into the ship’s pool fully clothed, and coaxed a congressman to join her in the water. (Years later Bobby Kennedy would chide her about the incident, saying it was outrageous for the time, to which the by-then-octogenarian Alice replied that it would only have been outrageous had she removed her clothes.”

“She was dressed in a blue wedding dress and dramatically cut the wedding cake with a sword (borrowed from a military aide attending the reception)”

“When it came time for the Roosevelt family to move out of the White House, Alice buried a Voodoo doll of the new First Lady, Nellie Taft, in the front yard.”

“Later, the Taft White House banned her from her former residence—the first but not the last administration to do so. During Woodrow Wilson’s administration (from which she was banned in 1916 for a bawdy joke at Wilson’s expense)…”

“As an example of her attitudes on race, in 1965 her African-American chauffeur and one of her best friends, Turner, was driving Alice to an appointment. During the trip, he pulled out in front of a taxi, and the driver got out and demanded to know of him, “What do you think you’re doing, you black bastard?” Turner took the insult calmly, but Alice did not and told the taxi driver, “He’s taking me to my destination, you white son of a bitch!”

“To Senator Joseph McCarthy, who had jokingly remarked at a party “Here’s my blind date. I am going to call you Alice”, she sarcastically said “Senator McCarthy, you are not going to call me Alice. The trashman and the policeman on my block call me Alice, but you may not.”

I love this woman.

WOMEN WHO NEED FUCKEN MOVIES.

I WOULD WATCH THIS SHIT 20000X OVER

damn!!!! spirit animal

Children/teens aren’t allowed to be sad or in a bad mood because they can get yelled at for it and ridiculed and told to ‘change your attitude or I will for you’, while adults who are sad or in a bad mood, are allowed to yell at and take their frustration out on the kids. Adult privilege huh?

And when the adult is in a bad mood, it’s the kids job to step on eggshells in order to keep them from not exploding, and when they do, it’s on them.

And when the child is in the bad mood, it’s their job to try to hide it, and when they break apart trying to, it’s on them.

What extra sucks about this is that adults literally have more experience, context, perspective, and brain development to help them manage emotions. Adults who do this are shit. We are the adults, we should not be expecting kids who are still developing and learning about the world and trying to figure out their place in it to be the ones who are emotionally mature. 

People who treat adulthood like a power trip are honestly shit and should not have authority over kids. 

read the full comic!

i have watched approximately 54535624664534 of these so here is my Ode to Hallmark Christmas Movies

this is a strong contender for the funniest post i have ever seen in my life

Bottom surgery was a success afafsgsgsgagagagshs

HE FUCKING GRINDED THE ENTIRETY OF YHE GRANVILLE BRIDGE OFFRAMP

THATS A LONG ASS RAMP

GOT DAMN

This my bebe. Bebe is bigger than me. Strong bebe

ok friends i wanted to confirm this story’s accuracy before reblogging so i googled it and yes it’s TRUE 

AND ALSO the mom cat raised the lynx baby ALONGSIDE HER KITTEN so we have all these cute pictures of the lynx cub with the kitten please look at them

^^^ FAMILY PORTRAIT

discourse topic of the night: mini m&ms are objectively better than normal m&ms.

90% of the people in the notes are just saying the same thing over and over about the candy to chocolate ratio, but i’d really like to give a shoutout to this person, for wording it in the most cursed way they could manage

Films watched in 2018.

#317: Eighth Grade (Bo Burnham, 2018)

★★★★★★★☆☆☆

“Eighth grade is the worst.”

“I’m like the luckiest girl in the world. I’ve gotten to be a princess, I’ve gotten to work with the Muppets. A lot of my childhood dreams about who I wanted to be when I was a grown-up, I at least get to play them in movies.”

!!!

U tampons by Kortex are being recalled because of a fault meaning they’re leaving pieces of tampon in the body after they’ve been removed. It’s mainly affecting people in the US and Canada, and people who bought products before 16th October 2018.

Please if you use this product check the box for the serial number (block of numbers on the same face as the barcode):

Find out more info on their official website here

Stay safe and please share this so other people don’t continue to buy faulty tampons!

Sandra Dee Lutheran

Get your ass on the dance floor

this is already on my blog like five times and i honestly don’t even care

Source

Doctor: Do you want the good news first, or the bad news?

Man: Good news first please, doc!

Doctor: We’re naming a disease after you

Why is this funny

20 Hilarious Cat Snapchats That Will Leave You With The Biggest Smile