A letter to my 18 year old self
First of all congratulations because you made it to 18. You had a really rough 17 and I promise even though it doesn't really immediately get better you make it to 28. You get to do some things you never dreamed you could in the next ten years but I'm getting ahead of myself. Let me vindicate you first. All of the people you have cut out of your life in the last few months were 100% worth cutting out. You don't miss them. Even though it's hard to go from a family of friends to a small handful of trusted people ten years later they're mostly still by your side. Therapy this summer while not the last time you attend was worthwhile. And the relationship you're scared you've broken the most will be healed. He still loves you and always will. He will walk you down the aisle one day and he will love the man you marry as his own. You will become a musician. You will become the kind of musician you always wanted to. Not just a singer but an analyzer. The best sight singer to come out of CCHS you will be told. You can read and articulate music in ways you never dreamed you could. You do it all at IUS and never once set foot on a stage at IU. You will fail. Math classes mostly but you will have to run Home tail between your legs and learn hard lessons. You will struggle to find your place but you will find peace in work. You will work hard jobs for long hours. You will go home smelling like almond extract but proud of yourself. You will teach. You will give knowledge to children and learn to be good at it. You will lead your own choir and find like minded souls in the world of music. You will find God again. You will work in his church and you will not feel like a sham. You will give a "sermon" and you will feel empowered by that message. You will find love. And heartache over and over again until one day you quit looking and it falls in your lap. A shaggy haired boy with tattoos and sweet brown eyes will awkwardly talk to you about boy bands and you will realize he has interest in you when you thought you were not interesting. This boy will love you more than you have ever been loved. He will give you strength and you will give him direction. He will ask you to marry him after just one year and you won't think it's that crazy. He will fit into your family better than you do. He will help heal the rough patches with your father. He will show you how you can rise above an impossible loss and still see good in this world. He will show you what it's like to be a burgeoning Christian and he will make you so proud. He will make you a mother in 6 more weeks. He will help you raise a baby girl and you will get to be what you always assumed you couldn't or wouldn't be able to do. You are not broken like you think you are now on the eve of 18. You are not unlovable. You are not a loser and unable to find direction. Your path is not straight, narrow, or simple. But you make it. You still struggle though. Your brain still tries to tell you awful things. And sometimes you listen. You still resist medication. You still try to do it all by yourself. But you have a massive team of people who force their help and their love into you and you are so grateful for them. And they are behind you as you prepare to raise this little girl. Your very own Zelda. So instead of being upset that you have no plans on your 18th birthday and you will not go clubbing or get into anything exciting. Enjoy what you do get. Time with your mother who is still your best friend even when she's kicking your rear. Watch Mamma Mia and bite your tongue when Pierce Brosnan starts singing because you forget how to do that later on. Enjoy how slow life is moving now because it only gets faster. You are doing just fine. You're never fully broken. You are loved by so many. I'm so glad I came from you.
