I’m never asking somebody to stay again. If you don’t want to be here, go. I’m fine on my own

I remember holding you late at night on countless occasions while you struggled with addiction, crying because you were happy with life, with me, but there was always a nagging thought in the back of your head that never went away. I remember holding your hand while you sat in my passenger seat, dope sick, so nauseous and so miserable. I remember holding back tears so I could be strong because you were the strongest person I knew and a strong person needs a strong sidekick. I remember the pain that I felt, the heavy feeling in my chest everytime you gave me a certain look, because I knew what was on your mind. I remember the day we went to Centralia, we found the prettiest sight, the sun was setting and we could see tree tops for miles. You told me it was pretty but that I was prettier. I remember you looking at me and telling me that if anything ever happened to you, I could find you there because it’s the first time and place that you felt whole in a very long time. You never said it but I know you meant for that brief moment, addiction wasn’t the first thing on your mind. I remember laughing because I didn’t understand, but I do now. Thank you for showing me love, unconditionally. Thank you for being the brightest light I’ve ever known, the softest voice, the sweetest hope. Thank you for believing in me. You were my closest friend and I don’t think you ever knew how much I truly love you. But it’s a lot, a whole, whole lot Nicholas Joseph Golden. I’ll see you again in Centralia.

Grasping onto

every single thing that doesn’t make me want to die. Welcome back seasonal depression, missed you pal

Finally starting to feel like I have an identity that’s not “I’m deeply hurting bc of recent trauma” again and it feels nice

Everytime something good happens I want to call you. Send you a message. Just hear you say the words “I’m so very proud of you”. Every success feels like a loss when I know I’ll never be able to talk to you about it. Nothing feels right. I’m never going to get the closure I thought 3 weeks ago I could get at my leisure. I was so fucking angry with you and now what? Where do I put it. What do I do with all of this anger I will never be able to let go the way I needed to. I’m projecting it onto every body I love. I feel like I’m in a battle with every person who loves me. I feel like I’m in a battle with myself. I would do anything to just have one more conversation. to let all of this animosity and hurt go so I could say goodbye and that I love you the way you deserved.

I really hate myself. Nothing feels like it’s going to be okay.

Started drinking black coffee because my mental illness won’t let me drink coffee w/ cream without feeling guilty