life: in progress

in grade 6 and every time we had a movie day or class party id ask my mom for a can of doctor pepper but i had to keep it in my backpack and it always got shaken up and would explode when i opened it bcus we all know dr pepper has much more chaos inside the can than any other soda and anyways my whole class instinctively knew every time that my doctor pepper would explode and we'd have to pause the movie and clean it up and id usually be covered in dr pepper for the rest of the day and be super embarrassed and this happened to me about twelve times throughout the year. you might be wondering why i couldnt keep my dr pepper in my locker until we watched the movie and its because i didnt have a locker in grade six after i left a piece of pumpkin pie that my teacher gave me in there for a month and it rotted and molded so bad and there were maggots everywhere so one day i locked the locker and refused to open it ever again so for a whole year i carried all my stuff around because i was afraid to go to admin and tell them about my maggot pie because someone started a rumor that if the principle figured out you did something bad she would lock you down in the basement storage room that was infamous for having a giant rat that lived inside of it and i was afraid of rats after seeing ratatouille because i thought a rat might climb inside my hair and start controlling me and force me to do things i didnt want to do like make soup

The next time you've got a friend over, set an example and put your phone on the table, visibly there but not too far away, to let them know that you're intentionally present, not distracted, your attention is undivided and you want to be fully focused on being right there to spend time with them. Don't mention it or draw attention to this, you're not doing this to be preachy or wanting praise, you just want to be a good friend and you value your friend's time. Ideally, your friend will either notice this or even pick it up without conscious notice, and set their own phone aside on the table as well.

Then, when your friend takes a minute to go to the bathroom, grab your phone and take a photo of your friend's phone sitting on your table. Do not touch it, and put your own phone back exactly where it was immediately once you've got the picture. Carry on with whatever you two were doing.

Once your time is up and your friend has left for home, wait for a good 15 minutes or so, for them to either get back home or be well on their way there. Text your friend, "hey, you forgot your phone", and send them the photo you took of their phone on your table. Set a stopwatch running from the moment your friend sees the message.

Measure how many seconds it takes for your friend to process this and tell you to go fuck yourself.

nothing brings me more joy than repeatedly doing a bit that my mother dislikes

i think i'm funny and that's the main thing

This is about Breaking Bad

[]if you Reblog this in 69 seconds Halloween will be x2 as good if no Reblog No more dank spoopyness in Halloween Reblog to save lives[]

not risking it

the day when people realize that nb people are trans is the day that my face will clear

“The stripes at the top and bottom are light blue, the traditional color for baby boys. The stripes next to them are pink, the traditional color for baby girls. The stripe in the middle is white, for those who are intersex, transitioning, or consider themselves having a neutral or undefined gender. The pattern is such that no matter which way you fly it, it is always correct, signifying us finding correctness in our lives.”

hey, reblog this actually

I am a simple man. I put shoelaces through the holes in my crocs one at a time just like everyone else :/

I almost didn’t click this because I assumed it would be someone singing the altered lyrics and I can basically figure out what that would sound like

BUT NO, someone has instead the original song to go like this and it is, very good

there’s a line in twilight that goes “there was nothing more beautiful than Edward in his khakis and pale beige pullover” and i think about that every day of my life

like stephanie meyer really did go “hmm. what’s the absolute sexiest garment i can think of. the most gorgeous clothes imaginable. how do i communicate how absolutely fucking fine edward looks at all times” and then 0.5 seconds later she went “oh, of course. khakis”

this reminds me of her emphasis on the cullens car that she constantly described with such awe and admiration and it always had me WEAK bc she tells you it’s a volvo s40 but then Describes it as if Edwards ass was pulling into the high school parking lot in a lamborghini or something and not literally a regular grey sedan

skdjfhalkfjhgakhfjgahlkjajdhdkgjfs

I will only accept a live-action Road to El Dorado movie if its directed by Taika Watiti bye

Do you have any idea how much chaotic gay energy a movie like that would have

yes. and we need it.

your childhood is gay, and there’s nothing you can do about it!

or, a celebration of some children’s characters we love to relate to (even if it makes cishets mad). hope you all had a happy pride month 🌈

Facebook: we analysed your entire internet history, tracked your location and took a deep dive into your personal relationships, and we’ve decided to recommend you this specific conditioner that you also saw in your local Tesco two days ago, aint that neat!

Tumblr: HEY sHITHEAD *slurring words* how would you like to buy  *throws dart* a gym membership for your *spins wheel* pARROT

Do NOT bother my boy. 

DO. FUCKING. NOT.

What a wonderful way to wake up! Every little boy deserves a dog, and every dog deserves a little boy.

WHEN HE PULLS THE BLANKET BACK OVER HIM AND GIVES HIM A KISS ON THE NOSE REBLOG IF YOU AGREE