bowling alley kicked me out because I know whats in the balls

it straight up smells like spiders in here

A halloween science cartoon for New Scientist from a while back.

p.s. my new book ‘Revenge of the Librarians’ is out now: tomgauld.com

So I just made a joke that "more women should poison their husbands" to my cool boss and then immediately found out that he got divorced because he was poisoned by his ex-wife

I'm apologizing profusely and he's like "oh it's fine it was funny" and then he offhandedly mentions that his next girlfriend tried to poison him also

Yeah this is going to break containment babe.

saw trap where u have to eat dinner without watching something

Hey OP? What the FUCK does this mean?

decay exists as an extant form of life

That’s a terrifying answer, have a nice day

dont let people tell u ur attraction to fire is "abnormal" or "hazardous" prometheus doesnt have his liver eaten every day for u to ignore the allure of arson

polish guy causing a stir at the optometrists office because every time the doctor asks him to read those little letters on the chart he pronounces them as one single word

the bunnies did the lady and the tramp kiss. help i’m crying

enemies to lovers

Did I ever tell you how I got kicked from Chess club back in school?

Ok, so, as I’ve mentioned occasionally, I used to also be in the school theater troupe, and for a role, I learned basic sleight of hand, the kind magicians use for such stunts like card tricks and ball tricks. Mind you, I wasn’t doing Criss Angel Mindfreak levels of shit or redefining the capital H in Houdini, but I knew how to do basic sleight of hand with small objects, which I used for party tricks and other such parlor tomfoolery.

But I realized I wasn’t using my newfound power to its full extent, so I got an idea one day. I arrived early to the chess clubroom and pocketed a few extra pieces from the other chessboards (which didn’t matter, the club never had enough members to actually use all of the chessboards at any one time), then I challenged the club prez to a game. Now, this guy already didn’t like me too much, dude was kind of a cunt and held a grudge against me because my cousin ended up with one of his crushes and then I ended up with his next crush, so he had bloodline beef with us. So he accepts to the match and we set up the board.

Now, this guy was pretty good at chess, objectively better than myself, but I wasn’t here to win, not at the game, at least. We start playing, it starts pretty even as we develop our units, he castles better and faster than I, and then starts putting pressure on me. It’s at this point, the midgame, where my Belmont to his Dracula would shine in full force: Whenever he looked away (to answer someone’s question about where to find something or about some chess rule), I would put One (1) pawn down from my sleeve. 

Initially he didn’t notice, but he did look twice at some placements. But as time went on, he started to visibly grow frustrated and confused, until it became so fucking ridiculous and obvious that he called a pause and counted a total of 14 black pawns on the board (you only have 8 pawns, for reference), at which point I couldn’t hold my laughter anymore. He starts insulting me, I look behind him, to the door, and pretend I’m addressing a teacher that had just come into the room, he turns around, sees no one had actually entered the room, and when he looks back at me and the board, there was suddenly a second black queen next to his king and I just fucking lose it when he makes one of the faces of all time and starts saying colorful things about mine mother.

Anyways I got banned from Chess club after that but it was worth it.

shitty witch tip #157

spell of fuck you

- brick

- throw at target

- run

Haters will imprison you inside a magic crystal and be like "If this seal ever comes undone the World will be plunged into Eternal Darkness and reality itself could shatter."

What are you planning on doing once you’re out of there?

Plunge the World into Eternal Darkness, maybe shatter reality if I feel like it