So I sent it. 

I’m so tempted to send this:

Words cannot express the swirls of emotions that have overwhelmed my thoughts and body in the last 24 hours. I have a pounding headache with my anxiety striking through the roof, that I've finally concluded that I’ve given up. At this point in the relationship I’ve come to term that there’s a lack of emotional competency. Not only on your part, but on my part as well.  This isn’t something I can easily brush aside. My emotions are very real, just as yours are to you.  You get upset when I bottle things in and then you get upset when I communicate the issue. Certain things I’ve done have been unfair, as its been vice-a-versa. But I'm no longer going to tolerate lying, sneakiness, and bullshit any further. You've been a great guy, but when my feelings are constantly being swerved, then what's good a relationship if I can't communicate what I'm feeling and have you understand?

You've dismissed my emotions entirely by saying "You're wrong". Do you know how shitty that makes me feel? I'm wrong for being upset because the woman you use to sleep with, kiss, and caress still shares a friendship with you? That once upon a time your conversations and your hugs with her were once something meaningful. And when I ask for you to stop communicating with her because it was destroying our relationship you promised you would, but never followed through? That you travelled to Massapequa to see her then lie about it? That when you were questioned when's the last time you saw her and you say "I don't remember" when you saw her twice in the last two weeks? That you don't remember that she picked you up from your job one day? That you don't remember if you contacted her first or if she contacted you first when she was at Starbucks? That you can look at me dead straight in the eye and lie about what you did, that's intolerable. That's what makes me upset. And the fact that you don't own up to it makes it even worse. Your dishonesty, inconsistency, and suspicious actions is why we're here.

I don't know when we started heading south, maybe on halloween, maybe when i started checking your text messages, or maybe when you gave her your sweater? I knew before hand of your relationship, and I'm fully aware that I walked into this knowingly. But sadly my naive self did not prepare me for these series of unfortunately events.

You can say what you want to say. But I don't think where we're at is healthy anymore, not on my part at least. I can't control you and who you see, and I'm not going to silently suffer while you live in peace. It's become apparent, although you may deny it, that you deeply care for her. And I'm too much of a woman to sit back and watch your decisions break me.  

Caught a rough patch in my relationship. 

So I caught my boyfriend lying, once again. I’m not sure how to feel. I’ve consistently sought out advice and half of my friends say dump him and the other half say I’m wrong. 

I’m wrong for being upset that my boyfriend is still friends with his ex? I know they’re good friends, but that ship has long sailed. And if we communicated and both agreed you’d stop talking to her then why do you feel the need to once again go behind my back and see her? 

As if Halloween wasn’t enough. He completely lied about who he was with the day before. And when I question who contacted the other first he said she did. When proof is in the phone logs and he did. Till this day he hasn’t owned up to it. He promised me that night after endless crying and feelings of sickness and anxiety that he’d delete her number and would stop talking to her. 

Of course I said i’d stop looking through his phone but when he does shit like this behind me back what am I suppose to suspect.He travelled all the way to fucking Massapequa to see her, he went and saw her two other separate occasions. She picked you up in her car after work. And when I questioned whens the last time you saw her you said i don’t remember? What type f fucking bullshit is that. 

When I caught you guys hugging in the caf today it wasn’t what it looked like and you meeting up with her wasn’t planned? Do I look fucking dumb to you? Is this isn’t suspicious then I don’t know what is. 

12/6/16

My boyfriend keeps seeing his ex-girlfriend after we continuously argue about it. If I catch him or question it he just lies also. What am I suppose to do at this point? I’m so over being in this mess. For two fucking straight years this has been the epicenter of our conflicts. And after putting my foot down, he still manages to step over it and sneak around? 

I think I caught Angel in a lie again.

I asked him to stop talking to Katie. And I checked his text messages (even though that's what got us into a fight last time) and he was doing a good time ignoring her. And they were suppose to hang out and what not and he did a good job at making excuses. But when I went through his messenger they were talking and they made plans to meet today at 4:30pm on campus. So NOW I'm planning on making a surprise entrance and catching him in the caf. I swear I hope I have perfect timing. I already have it planned out. I'm gonna call him and ask what he's up to if I see him in the caf with her, I'm gonna walk up to him and be like, surprise motherfuckerrrrr.

This might be the las draw man.

Watch me not find them. For me being malicious. But we'll see what God has in store for us.

11/23/16

I’m way passed the honeymoon phase. 

Not that my relationship, is terrible, because it isn’t. But I just miss the spontaneous i miss you texts, the long midnight paragraphs professing our feelings, the 3 hr phone calls, and the constant I want to see you. 

I know life has gotten in the way, but three out of the four mentioned above have no excuse. 

I hate holidays. I always feel so lonely. I understand that my boyfriend invites me to his family, but I can’t leave my mom behind and I know she won’t go over to his family either. 

So I’m left spending it alone with her. It just fucking sucks because last Christmas I spent it with his mom and him and he can’t come and spend it with me and my mom? Like i don’t know, that really hit me to the core. And on top of things I barely see him and we barely spoke today. And Angel knows i’m super touchy on holidays because they’re super duper depressing in my homes because it’s just me and my mom alone. And I just feel so envious of all these fantastic photos of people with their families on facebook. I’m so thankful for my mom and the apartment we live in, but i did feel left out today. 

I sent my boyfriend this today after he asked why do I love planning our dinners together.

”Cause it's like a team effort. I'll of course have dinner done for you before you arrive. But I'm making food for us. And that's what makes me happy.  Planning the future - even when it's later in the day - with each other.”

Guys, 

I’m upset. 

I got into a big argument with my boyfriend. I don’t even want to go through the whole chaos again.  I want it to be over with. I’m not sure if I still have feelings of anger still lingering around. But he pretty much told me that I was wrong for going through his phone and that I should trust him. 

Even though I caught him in a lie while going through his phone. 

At this point, I’m drained, exhausted, emotional confused. I just... I love him. But now without trust, I don’t know how we’re going to do this relationship.... I just want a break. 

Today, I had really good sex.