peter retaliating against “baby monitor protocol” by changing the names of Tony’s Iron Man protocols

“hey FRIDAY, zoom in on that building over there”

“Old Man Bifocals protocol activated, Boss”

“what the fuck did you just say to me”

“FRIDAY alert the team that my thrusters are down and i can’t fly”

“sure thing, activating I’ve Fallen and I Can’t Get Up Protocol”

“PETER WE TALKED ABOUT THIS”

Tony: FRIDAY, open these encrypted files we don’t have a lot of time-

FRIDAY: activating the Fr E Sh A Voca Do protocol

Tony, sobbing: PETER WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK DOES THIS MEAN 

AMAZING

-Peter gets hurt in a battle- FRIDAY: Bone Hurting Juice Protocol has been activated - Mr. Parker is in distress. Tony: -stops- He’s what?  The what? Peter: -over the com- Oof, ouch… my bones…

Tony: FRIDAY! Engage autopilot!

FRIDAY: Activating Jesus Take The Wheel protocol.

Tony: Really, Pete?

Jdjsjsjsks

Tony: Where in the world is that kid??..FRIDAY!! Activate Peter’s GPS

FRIDAY: Activating

“ Helicopter parent protocol”

Tony: *sighs*….why do I even bother

Tony: FRIDAY divert all energy to thrusters

FRIDAY: nyOOOOOooOOoM protocol activated

i literally can’t breathe from this

Go d

Tony, in front of team: FRIDAY activate the electric taze blast

Friday: Activating ‘Wanna Be Thor’ protocol

Thor: *triumphantly laughs*

Tony,mumbling: Now the boys’ gone too far.

Tony: Friday, time to bring out The Blades

FRIDAY: “oh my god why does he have a knife” protocol activated

Tony:

Villain:

Tony:

Villain: did you name it like that on purpose or,,,

Tony, crying: shut up loser

This gets better everytime it shows up on my dash

This is the best thing i have ever read on this website and ive seen many good things.

TONY: okay friday i don’t wanna hear any of that thor shit any more but i need all these bogeys zapped 

TONY: how many of them are there

FRIDAY: activating Fuck These Six Fish In Particular protocol

TONY: okay that one’s funny

TONY: he gets a car

FRIDAY: mr. parker doesn’t have a driver’s license yet sir

Eurovision 2019 spoilers without context

I worked with toddlers and pre schoolers for three years. Sometimes I accidentally slip and tell a friend to say bye to an inanimate object (“say bye bus!”) & occasionally they unthinkingly just do it.

I’m glad there’s a teacher version of “accidentally called teacher ‘mom’”

when I worked at Medieval Times occasionally I would slip in real life and call people “my lord”

One time during family prayer, dad began: “our father who art in heaven, American Airlines, how can I help you?”

One time my dad went to the White Castle drive-thru and the lady (who was supposed to say ‘Welcome to White Castle, what’s your crave?’) asked, “Welcome to White Castle, what’s your problem?”

She apologized profusely while my dad proceeded to lose his shit laughing.

Yesterday I went to Wendy’s and the girl said “Welcome to McDonalds” and then just sighed

Somebody in the elevator asked me what floor I lived on, and I answered “please open your books to page eight”, and we just kind of stared at each other, blinking.

i work retail full time and my script gets frequently messy - ill ask the same question twice, or say “$2.60 is your total” while handing back their change, or say “how are you doing today?” instead of “have a good day!” like name it ive bungled it

but anyway, this lady came thru my line buying a book and the review on the front said: “few books are well written, fewer still are important, and this book manages to be both”

as i handed her the bag i was trying to say “thanks, youre all set” and instead my brain mashed up the review and i said “thanks, youre important”

there was this short pause in which i tried to figure out what the fuck id just said. she blinked and then said “oh thank you! youre important too!”

the real kicker was one of my coworkers. when i was relating this story later his response was “at least you said something NICE. last week i accidentally combined ‘youre welcome’ and ‘no problem’ into ‘youre a problem’”

one time, since I used to work as a daycare teacher with preschoolers, i was on my college campus in my gym, and someone was running in the weight room and tripped over a machine and fell, and instead of offering to help, I just stared and said, “This is why we use our walking feet.” we both sat there for a while until the guy nodded and said, “yeah, okay, i should’ve done that.”

I’ve spent a good chunk of time working in kitchens, so I still will reflexively say shit like “behind” and “coming around” as I maneuver through spaces and around people.

Which, actually, not such a bad thing; I’m a big guy and can come across as imposing pretty easily. The position calls can help defuse that, and also help avoid collisions.

Less good is the time my brain was half functional and I let slip a “coming with a knife” while grocery shopping. THAT took some explaining.

I work in an office and send tens of emails to customers every day. Once my mum asked me to send her a train ticket I had bought for her. I emailed her “Hello mum, as agreed, please find attached the ticked you requested. Thanks, Alex”

i worked as a camp counselor, and i would have the kids tap somewhere on my legs if they needed something because im a pretty tall dude. today asked my cat if he needed something.

I have woken up in a cold sweat saying “is that for here or to go?”

Every time a friend thanks me, and I respond with “gladly” or “my pleasure”, I die completely 1000% inside

I work at a plasma donation center. When processing donors, we call them by name, they walk up to the counter, and then we ask for their name and donor number. One time, instead of saying “Robert” I hollered “Name and donor number!?” into a full waiting room. Three people started announcing their names and donor numbers before we all realized that I fucked up.

In college, I was a barista at Borders (remember Borders, you guys?!) I once drove through Taco Bell on my way home after a shift. When the cashier said, “okay, that’ll be $5.46!” I cheerfully responded, “Do you have a Borders rewards card?”

I have dealt with so many difficult customers over the years that I used to angrily call my dog “Sir” when I was mad at him.

My first job was at my nearest Panera, and after coming home from a ten-hour Sunday morning shift, I was exhausted; but when my mom called me to come downstairs, instead of replying in the grumpy teenagerish tone I usually would, I said in my cheeriest, fakest voice, “Not a problem at all, let me just check with my manager!” before realizing my mistake.

my coworker went to back up the cash registers one time and she had been at customer service right before. when we finish with a customer we have to sometimes get the attention of the next person and will shout “i can get the next person in line!” but instead of saying that she yelled “HI WHAT CAN I HELP YOU WITH” to everyone in the general area

I have told my dog “no thank you” so many times after working at a preschool

a couple of times i’ve gotten stuck in a hello how are you good how are you good how are you loop with an equally tired Fred Meyer’s cashier after a long shift but the best time was after a 10 to 10 post-holidays after they told me my total, I asked if they would like a bag today and after a confused few seconds they were like, “no… I have the bags”

Worked in a gallery where we asked people to take off their backpacks in order not to accidentally damage paintings. So when I went to the shop later and saw a guy in the line in front of me, I told him he had to remove his backpack. He probably thought I was politely trying to rob him.

Bad Cats.

Tony Stark being Soft™

A King™

I always felt that MCU Tony was a bit abused. Yes he made mistakes but he owned up to them and spends the rest of his life trying to make reparations as best he can. Everyone else just does as they want and then shits all over him when things go wrong.

dogs and snapchat

We don’t deserve dogs ❤️😂

Felicity, honey, it’s a little hard to fight with you doing that in my ear.

i just read a washington post article on romcoms aging poorly due to the pushiness (and oft-stalkery conduct) of the male characters therein, and it got me thinking about pride and prejudice, and specifically darcy saying, “one word from you will silence me on this subject forever.”

because, like, that’s the seldom-portrayed romantic dream in the patriarchal hellscape that is our world, isn’t it?

a dude being willing to say, “i understand if you don’t feel the same way about me, and i’ll leave you alone forever about this if my attention is unwanted.”

so simple, yet so wonderful in its basic human decency

and dudes to this day wonder why women still swoon over darcy

Note also: Elizabeth turns down Darcy’s first proposal, and in the process, accuses him of doing some stuff he did not do (and also some stuff he totally did).

The next day, he surprises her on her walk. He hands her a letter, asks that she read it, and then takes off.

When this happened to me after I had turned someone down IN REAL LIFE, the letter contained a passionate argument to the tune of “actually you’re wrong and you do like me and you should go out with me” and it was creepy af.

Darcy’s letter to Elizabeth starts with: “Be not alarmed, Madam, on receiving this letter, by the apprehension of its containing any repetition of those sentiments, or renewal of those offers, which were last night so disgusting to you”. He goes on to set the record straight about the stuff he didn’t do (as well as the stuff he did) which is *actually relevant* to Elizabeth. And he, as promised, doesn’t romance her further.

It’s totally bizarre that even now, this can be considered unusually great dude behaviour.

Darcy’s first proposal: “You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you.”

Darcy’s second proposal: “One word from you will silence me on this subject forever.”

His whole arc in the book is about learning to consider other people’s feelings and not just his own, but the fact that it’s expressed via who gets to talk and who is told to shut up is so, so telling. The first time around, he imposes his voice on her whether she wants it or not. The second time, he asks how she feels, and in exchange, offers her the gift of his silence.

And yeah, the fact that dudes still! have! not! learned! this! lesson! is exhausting.

I have never seen the Keira Knightley version of P&P because they cut a crucial line out of Elizabeth’s initial rejection. In the book, she smacks him down because of ‘your arrogance, your conceit, and your selfish disdain for the feelings of others’. The movie cut the selfish disdain, which is absolutely the most important part of the line. Arrogance and conceit? He already knew about those! He’d already had a conversation with her about pride, specifically his pride, and he was ready to go down with that ship.

But the selfish disdain? That was new information. That was the ‘oh shit’ moment that prompted the long letter, most of which boiled down to ‘look, I genuinely didn’t think it would hurt your sister’s feelings much and I am legit sorry about that but I love my friend and he doesn’t deserve your mother, okay, nobody deserves your mother especially not you and Jane who seem very nice and also here is the long and embarrassing story about why George Wickham’s feelings are not worth my concern or yours ever ever ever’. He may be a socially awkward idiot but he does care about people’s feelings and he wants her to know immediately that he is not the asshole she thinks he is in that regard.

And then they meet again and he practically turns himself inside out to prove that he listened and paid attention and he is being super considerate of the feelings of others at all times bc she was right and he was wrong and he is trying hard to be better about this. So he rescues Lydia not only for Elizabeth, but because he feels bad that he didn’t consider the further damage this asshole could do to other girls, he rescues Bingley and Jane’s romance because he wants to repair the hurt he caused both of them, and then he very humbly proposes again to Elizabeth, with appropriate concern about her feelings. 

The entire second half of the book is ‘Darcy Is More Considerate Of Others Because He Got Called On His Behaviour And Actually Listened’ and that’s the core of his appeal. Not because he’s a jerk in part one (and I’ve seen so many guys use Darcy as an example of Women Love Jerks Not Nice Guys), but because when someone actually explains to the socially inept egg ‘you are being a jerk and hurting people’s feelings’ his response is ‘oh, shit, I didn’t mean to do that, I will work super hard at never doing that again’. And then he follows through and does work super hard at it and makes the change. 

And that is why we all love Darcy.

I really like all of this, but I want to make a correction. The movie with Keira Knightley does have the line “your selfish disdain for the feelings of others”.

This ^^ also the YouTube series ‘The Lizzie Bennett Diaries’ is really, really good and I 100% recommend them!!

Aro/ace people are not “basically straight”. They are Aro/Ace.

I worked with toddlers and pre schoolers for three years. Sometimes I accidentally slip and tell a friend to say bye to an inanimate object (“say bye bus!”) & occasionally they unthinkingly just do it.

I’m glad there’s a teacher version of “accidentally called teacher ‘mom’”

when I worked at Medieval Times occasionally I would slip in real life and call people “my lord”

One time during family prayer, dad began: “our father who art in heaven, American Airlines, how can I help you?”

One time my dad went to the White Castle drive-thru and the lady (who was supposed to say ‘Welcome to White Castle, what’s your crave?’) asked, “Welcome to White Castle, what’s your problem?”

She apologized profusely while my dad proceeded to lose his shit laughing.

Yesterday I went to Wendy’s and the girl said “Welcome to McDonalds” and then just sighed

Somebody in the elevator asked me what floor I lived on, and I answered “please open your books to page eight”, and we just kind of stared at each other, blinking.

i work retail full time and my script gets frequently messy - ill ask the same question twice, or say “$2.60 is your total” while handing back their change, or say “how are you doing today?” instead of “have a good day!” like name it ive bungled it

but anyway, this lady came thru my line buying a book and the review on the front said: “few books are well written, fewer still are important, and this book manages to be both”

as i handed her the bag i was trying to say “thanks, youre all set” and instead my brain mashed up the review and i said “thanks, youre important”

there was this short pause in which i tried to figure out what the fuck id just said. she blinked and then said “oh thank you! youre important too!”

the real kicker was one of my coworkers. when i was relating this story later his response was “at least you said something NICE. last week i accidentally combined ‘youre welcome’ and ‘no problem’ into ‘youre a problem’”

one time, since I used to work as a daycare teacher with preschoolers, i was on my college campus in my gym, and someone was running in the weight room and tripped over a machine and fell, and instead of offering to help, I just stared and said, “This is why we use our walking feet.” we both sat there for a while until the guy nodded and said, “yeah, okay, i should’ve done that.”

I’ve spent a good chunk of time working in kitchens, so I still will reflexively say shit like “behind” and “coming around” as I maneuver through spaces and around people.

Which, actually, not such a bad thing; I’m a big guy and can come across as imposing pretty easily. The position calls can help defuse that, and also help avoid collisions.

Less good is the time my brain was half functional and I let slip a “coming with a knife” while grocery shopping. THAT took some explaining.

I work in an office and send tens of emails to customers every day. Once my mum asked me to send her a train ticket I had bought for her. I emailed her “Hello mum, as agreed, please find attached the ticked you requested. Thanks, Alex”

i worked as a camp counselor, and i would have the kids tap somewhere on my legs if they needed something because im a pretty tall dude. today asked my cat if he needed something.

I have woken up in a cold sweat saying “is that for here or to go?”

Sometimes I answer my cell phone with “thank you for choosing Taco Time, what can I get started for you?” And inevitably there’s a dead silence for a moment where the person calculates what happened and I prepare to get laughed at.

I was also answering the phone at the bank once and got as far as “Thank you for calling po-… (bank name).” They realized I was about to fuck it up and I didn’t have the balls to admit I was about to welcome them to pokemon. I was thinking about other things. I still don’t know what happened.

I work at a shoe store and we’re required to ask customers for their phone numbers before checking them out so they can get coupons. I was checking a lady out today and she said no thanks to giving me her information, and idky but that part of my script stuck in my head and when her receipt printed out, I asked her “do you want your phone number with you or in the bag?”

words have me all kinds of fucked up

“Now Colin, you’ve always been seen as a romantic lead to the ladies. How did you apply this to a gay context? Was it difficult for you? How did you-”

Hero.

Not just that he said it, but that he seemed really angry that he had to.

We don’t deserve him.

If you relate to being an introvert, Join The IntrovertNation

And #18: When the friends don’t leave you alone because they think you’re upset, and then you actually get annoyed and then actually upset because you just wanted some silence

and 19 and ALL OF THEM