A Song Of Birds and Burns (Anti-Sansan Meta)

Sansa Stark is a preteen girl who has been treated like a pawn used in order to further a certain goal by not only the characters in the story, but by many of the fans of the ASOIAF books. People voiced their wishes that she ends up with Tyrion, in order for her to pay for the crime of wanting to be with someone conventionally attractive, they wanted her to end up with adult men who have nothing to do with her story like Stannis Baratheon, Tywin Lannister and Jaime Lannister in order to satisfy certain kinks of theirs, and most notably, there have been a wave of fans of the book series that seemed to want her with Sandor Clegane, the fully grown body guard of her betrothed for the reasons mentioned before and much more. Many fans used Sansa as a way to play out their own fantasies with this male character they view as a romantic ideal. He’s powerful, he’s dangerous and most of all, he’s such a tragic and angry figure that only Sansa (they) can complete.

In the end, they get so caught with this love story of theirs that they forget about the nature of their relationship in the books. In the actual books, this supposedly romantic adult figure physically, sexually and verbally abuses this child. The most shocking part of it all, is that all of that is swept to the side by so many people, even these who don’t necessarily self-insert, but plainly just want a relationship between these two characters. However, at the end of the day, this relationship is toxic and rather problematic as well.

First of all, Sandor Clegane is emotionally abusive towards Sansa. In most of their interactions, we see him insult her, with most of the shots being at her intellectual capabilities. This is rather important because her intelligence is something that Sansa has grown very self conscious about. Despite being an extremely intelligent girl, people around her have constantly judged her based on what they saw on the surface, and in a world where traditional femininity and women in general were associated with stupidity and weakness, she was branded as such by many of the people in her life adhering to that system of belief. The Hound himself has said: ‘’You’re still a stupid little bird, aren’t you.’’ (Sansa II, ACOK) as well as ‘’You’re empty-headed as a bird for true.’’ (Sansa II, AGOT).

Now, many people wouldn’t even take a second glance at that kind of behavior, and some would even agree with what The Hound is saying. In fact, not only do many of the characters perceive Sansa as being stupid due to her being young and female, a lot of the fans of the series do as well. However, even if it turned out to true, several studies have shown that this kind of ill-treatment often leads to depression, anxiety and dissociation especially when it is targeted to children and preteens like Sansa. This kind of verbal abuse legitimately has the ability to damage a part of children’s brain, damage their mental health and can often ruin their self-esteem. Therefore, even by looking as this single aspect to the abuse that Sandor makes Sansa suffer through, there’s a definitive proof that she is negatively impacted by it and it shows in later books where we see her doubt her own conclusions and decisions precisely because many of the people around her, Sandor Clegane included, have verbally abused her in such a manner.

His verbal abuse doesn’t just limit to him downplaying her intelligence, but manifests itself in the way that he often diminishes all that she has done thus far in life whether talking about her accomplishments when she was younger, or even her more recent ones. More specifically, Sandor Clegane often mocks and diminishes the efforts that Sansa put in to be a proper lady. In the books, it is explicitly mentioned that Sansa knows how to sew, dance, sing, write poetry, dress properly, play instruments, read really well and that she has gained a wide knowledge of high born westorosi figures and houses, which very much includes many of the minor ones.

Her education and the effort she put in not only allowed her to do all these things, but made it so that she became able to master courtesies, act properly and be as careful as she is with her word choice. These skills of hers have earned her praise from many intelligent figures in the story like Tyrion Lannister and Catelyn Stark, especially since they recognize that not everybody is able to do these things as well as Sansa can, and there’s a certain brilliance hidden all these undervalued skills and abilities. On the other hand, Sandor Clegane disregards the effort, the skills and the importance of these abilities completely and rather consistently as well.

In their first in depth conversation, he says ‘’Some septa trained you well. You’re like one of those birds from the Summer isles, aren’t you? A pretty little talking bird, repeating all the pretty little words they taught you to recite.’’ (Sansa II, AGOT). This derisive comment is something he perpetuates continuously by calling Sansa ‘’Little bird,’’ which is a nickname very much based on his mockery of Sansa’s education. It doesn’t help that he often calls her that in moments where he is mocking or insulting her. He is ultimately turning something that Sansa takes pride in into something shameful and bad. This tendency only causes people, especially children to progressively see less worth in themselves.

This seems to be the case with Sansa, who at the start of the story was very much proud of all of the things she was able to do and all her achievement yet ends up becoming someone more critical of herself than everyone else. Things about herself that she used to take pride in no longer seem to matter to her. His tendency to diminish everything that Sansa does is so ridiculous that at one point in the story, he mocks her for doing something that he specifically advised her to do a while back. More specifically, he told her to ‘’Save yourself some pain, girl, and give him what he wants.” (Sansa VI, AGOT), and when she does just that, he snorts and mockingly tell her that ‘’They trained you well, little bird,’’ (Sansa III, ACOK) when following his advice. Being surrounded by someone always ready to discredit you is not healthy for anyone, including Sansa. Now, the books makes it clear that Sandor Clegane’s resentment of this system that Sansa fits rather perfectly in is based on the fact that this very same system failed him ever so terribly when he was much younger but to take this resentment on a little girl is just inexcusable, especially when it negatively impacts the way the girl sees herself, her achievements and her capabilities.

Another part of the abuse that I only mentioned briefly thus far is Sandor Clegane’s constant invalidation of Sansa’s worldview and beliefs she has that she values a lot. Now, while her views on life and society is definitely flawed more so especially at the beginning of the story, it’s completely understandable why she has them if we take account that she is a product of her society and is only an 11 year old girl. Also, even as her worldview is changing and she is maturing, he still feels the need to mock and degrade it.

The important thing to note about this is that his philosophy and the lessons that he tries to force on her aren’t anything that might truly help her in life, but rather boils down to this belief that the world is terrible and to not trust anyone. It’s nothing helpful, it’s not constructive, it’s just plain cynicism, and that is in no way helpful, especially when he only tries to force his worldview on her because he cannot stand the idea of someone having another way of interpreting life and people, and is just blatantly lashing out on her because the world wasn’t good to him.

It’s been proved by multiple reliable sources like the journal of the American Academy of Neurology that people with a higher level of cynicism have a higher chance of getting certain illnesses like dementia, and have a higher tendency to commit acts that are bad for their health. Other researches allude to the fact that these types of people have a higher chance of dying early and having bad health conditions later in their lives. There are even researches that states that people that people with a cynicism-centric mindset have a higher chance of inflammation and women that have that kind of worldview have a higher risk of getting cardiovascular disease.

This is all important to note since these are literal proof that the worldview that Sandor Clegane is pushing on this preteen girl is one that is inherently unhealthy, and does nothing really to help her navigate life. A friendship or a relationship where such a unhealthy view of life is forced into you is just absolutely toxic, and there’s no way to go around that fact.

Plus, it’s not really done with the goal of helping her but is simply a product of him lashing out in anger. He mocks her worldview and the way she grew up (Sansa II, AGOT), he mocks the importance she puts on courtesies (Sansa II, AGOT), he makes a cross and rather misogynistic comment about a song he knows she loves a lot (Sansa II, ACOK), he mocks the way she lives her life and her moral code (Sansa IV, ACOK), he degrades people she loves and cares about in order to support his cynicist worldview that killing is the best thing there is (Sansa IV, ACOK), he mocks the legitimate fear that she feels when around him by acting as if that is her fault and not his because ‘’Everything scares you,’’ (Sansa IV, ACOK), he mocks her belief that ‘’true knights’’ exist as well (Sansa IV, ACOK), he even mocks her belief that gods are real (Sansa IV, ACOK) and there are multiple other moments where he sneers at her in more sublte manners.

Now, it’s being noted by multiple organisations such as the ‘’Domestic Violence Intervention Program’’ that insulting the family members of the victim in front of their face as well as degrading the religious belief of someone you are close to can both be considered acts of emotional abuse. It also doesn’t help that most of what he says isn’t actually valid in the narrative. He states that ‘’true knights’’ don’t exist, yet in the same book, we are introduced to Brienne Of Tarth, who later goes through this entire journey through the Riverlands to save the daughter of the woman she respected all while maintaining her moral code and her values.

What’s even more ironic is that this daughter is in fact Sansa Stark herself. Most of his arguments can also be invalidated in similar way. All in all, the worldview he is forcing into her is not only unhealthy and ridiculously untrue, but he tries to force it into her for all the wrong reasons, and more importantly, he does it in an incredibly emotionally abusive manner. More specifically, he goes about it by degrading her, by mocking her religious beliefs and her family as well as by being incredibly ableist (‘’That kind of god makes a monster like the Imp, or a halfwit like Lady Tanda’s daughter?’’) (Sansa IV, ACOK).

Second of all, while Sandor Clegane hasn’t pummeled her or done something physical to that level, he still committed some degree of physical abuse. Most of his abuse come in the form of physically restraining Sansa as well as threatening to kill her. He grasped her jaw hard enough for her to be in pain all with the goal of forcing her to do something she didn’t want to do (Sansa II, AGOT), despite her struggling and obviously trying to stop him from doing so, he uses force to drag her to Joffrey (Sansa VI, AGOT), he grabs her face again and pinches her hard enough for her to feel pain (Sansa II, ACOK) and while both times he grabbed her with the intention of making her not fall, even after she is safe and trying to free herself from his grasp, he continues to hold her tight enough for it to be painful to her (Sansa II and Sansa IV, ACOK), he puts his long-sword against her neck (Sansa IV, ACOK) and even threatens to beat her in order to prove a point (‘’Do I need to beat that into you,’’) (Sansa IV, ACOK). In sum it all, he uses his strengh to force her to do things that she does not want to do, and even when she tells him to stop or tries to free herself, he doesn’t stop at that exact moment and rather chooses to stop when he feels like it.

All these situations are proof that he doesn’t give much consideration to what she wants or how she feels. For him, it does not matter whether she consents or not to what he is doing, as long as he makes her do what he wants her to do. He even voices that himself with ‘’But one day, I’ll have a song from you, whether you will it or not.’’(Sansa II, ACOK). His abuse may not be as horrible as Joffrey’s, or as creepy as Littlefinger’s but that absolutely does not make it any more acceptable.

As mentioned before, he also has a tendency to threaten to kill her in order to make her to what he wishes her to do. He tells her he’s going to kill her if she tells her family or anyone else his backstory that he forcefed to her when she had no wish to hear it in the first place (Sansa II, AGOT), he tells her that he’s going to kill her if she screams as he pins her on a bed and is about to sexually assault her (Sansa VII, ACOK) and he tells her to ‘’Sing for your little life.’’ (Sansa VII, ACOK) which is just another moment where he forces her to do something by threatening her with violence.

According to multiple sources, such as the website ‘’reachout’’, physical abuse can cause the victim to feel afraid of their abuser, to avoid certain topics and to feel as if they’re walking on eggshells due to the anger and rage of their abuser. Sansa is fearful of Sandor in most of their interactions together and that very much includes their last meeting when she doesn’t know that he is the person that is currently assaulting her. In that moment, she internally states being too frightened to defy the person who is pining her to the bed (Sansa VII, ACOK). Also, she has a tendency to be extremely mindful of what she says and what she does when she is around him to not make him hurt her more (verbally or physically). More proof of that fear are in the text itself.

For example there is ‘’Wordless, she fled. She was afraid of Sandor Clegane,’’ (Sansa IV, ACOK) and ‘’Please don’t kill me, she wanted to scream, please don’t,’’ (Sansa VII, ACOK) for moments that he makes her fear for her life. Again, no one should have to feel that way in a friendship or relationship with someone else, especially not a child by someone who is in a position of power. His threats to kill her are what are especially problematic and should not be in any circustances be ignored or romanticized.

Third of all, he commits sexual abuse. Now to clarify, sexual abuse isn’t limited sexual violence, but also includes a plethora of actions that tends to degrade the victim of these actions. One act of sexual abuse is to make jokes or/and crude comments about the victim of that abuse. This is something that Sandor Clegane does multiple times to her.

Often times, he will make crude comments about how ‘’pretty yet stupid’’ she supposedly is (‘’Pretty little talking girl, you believe that? You’re empty-headed as a bird, aren’t you?’’) (Sansa II, AGOT). Now, the verbal abuse is certainly problematic, but adding the fact that often he, a grown adult puts a lot of attention on her beauty when she’s an 11 year old girl only makes his interactions with her even more toxic. Later on, he even starts to sexualize her as well, making comments on how she looks even more mature with ‘’You look almost a woman…face, teats, and you’re taller too, almost…ah, you’re still a stupid little bird aren’t you?’’ (Sansa II, ACOK). The fact that he goes as far as to talk about her breasts is proof that his comments aren’t only meant to be derisive, but sexually suggestive.

However, none of these awful moments of sexual abuse are half as bad as the time where he attempts to rape her. In that scene, Sandor Clegane is hiding under her bed until she comes in the room. When she does go in, he drags her into her bed, pins her there and then proceeds to put a knife on her throat. He then threatens to kill her if she makes any loud noise. He was doing all that with the intention of raping her. Sansa does manage to make him stop, however that still doesn’t change the fact that he had these vile intentions which is something he explicitly mentioned to her little sister Arya in the hopes of provoking her (‘’I took the bloody song, she never gave it. I meant to take her too. I should have. I should have fucked her bloody and ripped her heart out leaving her to that dwarf.’’) (Arya XIII, ASOS). That line not only is definitive proof of his intentions, but even shows how he regrets not having forced himself on her and killed her.

I didn’t mention it before but jealousy can also often play a part in abuse when it goes to extreme lengths. When your jealousy reaches the point of you voicing your wish to murder the object of your affection, it’s definitely sign of a toxic if not abusive relationship as it is the case here. Now moving on from all that, the fact that this girl is a child who hasn’t even finished puberty makes all of this worse. This makes these transgressions not only proof of sexual abuse, but blatantly are proof that Sandor Clegane is a pedophile. The fact that relationships between adults and children are normalized in the westorosi society doesn’t change that fact nor does it change how problematic and disgusting his attraction to this little girl is.

In conclusion, the dynamic between Sandor and Sansa is riddled with a toxic energy in the same vein as Sansa’s relationship with many of the other characters in the story. However, unlike with most of the other cases, a large part of the fandom fail to acknoledge or just simply romanticize the abuse present in this dynamic. However, facts are that he constantly insulted her, trivialized her achievements, mocked her religious and moral beliefs, physically hurts her, threatened to beat and kill her, sexualizes this child, and even attempted to rape her. None of the things he did to help her will ever change the fact that he abused her.

To put it in another way, an abuser can be nice sometimes, but that doesn’t make that person any less of an abuser. Sansa molding her memory to handle the abuse he made her suffer through shouldn’t be used as any kind of proof to try to legitimize the theoretically romantic aspects of their relationship. Sansa thinking about him every now and then in a neutral/positive is only proof that Sansa has normalized so much of the more low key abuse she suffered since it seemed like nothing to her compared to what Joffrey made her go through. Not to forget that Sansa being kind to him is not some testament that proves how romantic their relationship is. Rather, it proves that Sansa is even willing to extent her kindness and compassion to horrible people who mistreated her. So all in all, the only conclusion that can be had after reading all their interactions is that it’s abusive and toxic, and even if we look at it from a romantic lens, then we might as well add pedophilic to the long list of problematic aspects to their relationship.

thewindsofwolves

This, this, this and THIS !!!

#there's toxic ships and there's shit like this #anti-sansan #got