you're too wonderful to die

Mood

This is from “Old Gays Try Grindr” and i’m dying

Damn solid museum joke.

My dad told me a story recently about how he was in Boy Scouts or something and they went on a hike and were each given a rifle and one single bullet to practice shooting with (idk, it was the 70s or whatever). One of his friends, whom I’ll refer to as Steel Balls for reasons that will soon become clear, beckons my dad to a part of the woods and points to a giant hornets nest up in a tree. SB announces that he’s going to shoot it, waits for my dad to take cover (as one should in this situation), and fires off his only round into the nest. Sure enough, a swarm of pissed off hornets descend upon SB, who stands stoically and perfectly still at the base of the tree. Dad maintains that, despite their buzzing right around him, none of the hornets stung his friend, and they soon calmed down and returned to their newly renovated nest. SB turns back to face my dad and imparts this chunk of wisdom: “That’s the secret to dealing with hornets, Jim. They don’t know humans make rifle shots; they don’t know where the noise came from. You gotta stand still and don’t move, and they won’t chase you. If you run, they know you’re guilty.” Apparently dad was so awed he gave up his single bullet so SB could shoot the nest a second time, with the same results.

Long story short: hornets can sense guilt and there are people in the world who have tested this theory.

as a robotics major i can confirm this is 100% how coding works

this morning my starbucks is all women, so when i ordered it was all “i love your glasses!” “that drink is soooo good” “have a great day babe!” which is amazing showstopping incredible BUT yesterday the same starbucks was staffed by all guys and my interaction went kind of like this:

first guy, unprompted: we’re trying to help john name his scorpion

his coworker, leaning around him: here’s a list of names you should vote or write your own

me: …..what

john: AGGRESSIVELY SHOWS ME PICTURE OF BABY SCORPION

Just got a baffling survey from Google rewards

I found my old pokemon book- i dont know who i relate to the most

giovanni wrote this

I’m so in love with them

things in the hp series that i didn’t realise were dodgy as a child: bill weasley’s job seems to be breaking into tombs in egypt on behalf of the british banking system

no offense but bucky not remembering what he does as the winter soldier makes his & sam’s rivalry so much funnier

sam: you know im STILL not over the time when you ripped out my car’s steering wheel!

bucky: the time i WHAT

sam increasingly realizes he can just say whatever tf he wants & bucky’ll be like

Sam: I can’t believe you stabbed Caesar

Bucky:

“I can’t believe you shot 2Pac”

This just keeps getting better and better

sam: it’s so fucked up how you assassinated JFK

bucky: this isn’t funny anymore, sam

steve: no… you actually did do that, buck.

bucky:

Sam: Damn, I mean, did you really have to kill Elvis and then make it look like drugs?

Bucky: haha I wouldn’t do that…right?

Sam:

Bucky:

Sam: You killed Jesus.

Bucky:

This gets better ever time

~plot twist~

sam: here’s the bill to my wings you plucked off my back like i was a damn butterfly

bucky: exCUSe me, WUT

sam: yeah you-

bucky: i remember doing that actually 

sam:…

I can’t breathe. This is pure genius!