βThe rayless sun, Dayβs journey done, Sheds its last ebbing light On fields in leagues of beauty spread Unearthly white.β -Walter de La Mare | GarettPhotography
True
What is Gaslighting?
Inspired by the 1940 and 1944 films βGas Light,β where a husband systematically manipulates his wife in order to make her feel crazy, the term βGaslightingβ is now commonly used to describe behaviour that is inherently manipulative.
Gaslighting, at its core, is a form of emotional abuse that slowly eats away at your ability to make judgements. Β Essentially, a Gaslighter spins their negative, harmful or destructive words and actions in their favour, deflecting the blame for their abusive deeds and pointing the finger at you. Β
This is often done by making you feel βoverly sensitive,β βparanoid,β βmentally unstable,β βsilly,β βunhinged,β and many other sensations which cause you to doubt yourself.
How to Know Whether Someone is Gaslighting You
Gaslighting is so harmful because it promotes anxiety, depression, and with enough frequency in our lives, can sometimes trigger nervous breakdowns. Β So the question now it: are you being gaslighted? Β How can you know whether youβre experiencing this subtle form of manipulation in your life? Β
Review the following tell-tale signs:
- Something is βoffβ about your a person in your life β¦ but you canβt quite explain or pinpoint what.
- You frequently second-guess your ability to remember the details of past events.
- You feel confused and disorientated.
- You feel threatened and on-edge, but you donβt know why.
- You feel the need to apologize all the time for what you do or who you are.
- You never quite feel βgood enoughβ and try to live up to the expectations and demands of others, even if they are unreasonable or harm you in some way.
- You feel like thereβs something fundamentally wrong with you, e.g. youβre neurotic or are βlosing it.β
- You feel like youβre constantly overreacting or are too sensitive.
- You feel isolated, hopeless, misunderstood and depressed.
- You find it hard to trust your own judgement, and given a choice, you choose to believe the judgement of another.
- You feel scared and as though βsomething is terribly wrong,β but you donβt know what or why.
- You find it hard to make decisions.
- You feel as though youβre a much weaker version of yourself, and you were much more strong and confident in the past.
- You feel guilty for not feeling happy like you used to.
- Youβve become afraid of βspeaking upβ or expressing your emotions, so you stay silent instead.
Tactics Used by the Gaslighter
Gaslighters use a variety of subtle techniques to undermine your reality and portrayyou as the disturbed and messed up one. Β
These include, for example:
- Discrediting you by making other people think that youβre crazy, irrational or unstable.
- Using a mask of confidence, assertiveness, and/or fake compassion to make you believe that you βhave it all wrong.β Therefore, eventually you begin to doubt yourself and believe their version of past events.
- Changing the subject. The gaslighter may divert the topic by asking another question, or making a statement usually directed at your thoughts, e.g. βYouβre imagining thingsβthat never happened!β Β βNo, youβre wrong, you didnβt remember right.β Β βIs that another crazy idea you got from your (anyone)?β
- Minimizing. Β By trivializing how you feel and what you think, the gaslighter gains more and more power over you, e.g. βWhy are you being so sensitive?β βYou donβt need to get angry over a little thing like that!β βI was just joking around, why are you taking things so seriously?β
- Denial and avoidance. By refusing to acknowledge your feelings and thoughts, the gaslighter causes you to doubt yourself more and more. Β For example, βI donβt remember that, you must have dreamt it!β βYouβre lying, I never said that.β βI donβt know what youβre talking about, youβre changing the subject.β
- Twisting and reframing. When the gaslighter confidently and subtly twists and reframes what was said or done in their favour, they can cause you to second-guess yourselfβespecially when paired with fake compassion, making you feel as though you are βunstable,β βirrational,β and so forth. Β For example, βI didnβt say that, I said _____β βI didnβt beat you up Johnny, I just gave you a smack around the headβthatβs what all good fathers do.β Β βIf you remember correctly, I was actually trying to help you.β
Abuse-related gaslighting
Not every instance of gaslighting is as blatant as hiding items or directly denying someoneβs perceptions. Most abuse includes an element of gaslighting. Abusers rarely say out loud, βIβm choosing to abuse you.β
- A physically abusive person says, βIβm doing this for your own good. You shouldnβt provoke me.β In truth, victims do not cause abuse.
- A sexually abusive person says, βThis isnβt happening. I love you. You like it. It doesnβt hurt.β In truth, abuse is not loving behavior. Children do not ask for assault. The pain is real.
- A ritually abusive group stages abuse so bizarre and extreme that victims do not believe their own memories. Real bloodshed and torture are combined with drugs and misdirection, adding to the sense of unreality.
Everyday gaslighting Gaslighting occurs in more subtle ways as well, any time someone responds as if your reality does not exist.
- An adult says to a crying child, βThereβs no reason to be sad. Give us a nice smile.β
- A partner says, βThatβs too hard for you. Iβll do it.β
- A friend snaps, βIβm not angry! Why are you starting a fight?β
- After being called on a racist or sexist comment, the speaker says, βJust kidding!β or βYouβre too sensitive!β or βYouβre looking for reasons to be offended.β
How to Fight Back Against Manipulation
As with any subtle form of manipulation, the first step in freeing yourself from gaslighting is to recognize that itβs actually happeningand to determine who the abuser is. In most cases this will be pretty obvious. The next step, then, is to take a firm stand against the reality this abuser is attempting to impose on you β and thatβs the hard part. When youβre in the habit of trusting someone elseβs version of events above your own, it can be hard to go back to accepting what you perceive as being the truth.
Adding to that, the nature of gaslighting means that any attempt to stand up to your abuser is likely to be written off as βanother fantasy.β Your complaints are likely to be met with very convincing and logical-sounding explanations, which is why itβs extremely important to commit yourself 100% to breaking the pattern.
Often the victim of this type of manipulation is aware of whatβs happening, but the possible consequences of standing up to the effect seem less bad than βjust letting it happen.β Often, if the problem is happening in a relationship, a necessary part of breaking free is steeling yourself to the fact that you have to be prepared to lose this person.Ultimately, if youβre in a situation where you feel dependent on your spouse or partner, youβll allow them to manipulate you because you fear the alternative: being alone. But you have to ask yourself whether itβs better for you in the long term to be stuck in a manipulative relationship, or to break free and reclaim your own ability to make choices and decisions according to your own free will.
Thereβs no easy solution. Breaking the pattern requires you to assert yourself as someone with a right to have an independent opinion and worldview β and if youβve been accepting someone elseβs worldview for years, itβs going to take guts to change that. In many cases, the easiest way to break free is to remove yourself from the situation altogether and get a fresh start where you can rebuild your sense of self without manipulative influences.
Itβs important to recognize in any case that the manipulation is really happening no matter what the gaslighter says, and that there are people who can help you. Turn to trusted friends, independent support networks or therapists, or other people in your work organization (preferably those higher up the chain than the person doing the gaslighting).
Breathe into doubt When you notice any of these signs, allow compassion for yourself. Breathe into your truth. βI donβt know what to believe. I feel crazy.β Bring kindness to your experience of confusion and doubt.
Keep a record If you have enough privacy, it can bring relief to record your thoughts, feelings, and sensations. Your journal can receive your conflicting impressions without the need for certainty. If someone questions your memory, you can look back at your notes. If items mysteriously appear and disappear, you can take strategic photographs of problem areas.
Listen within To rebuild self-trust and repair your reality, tune in to your internal signals with interested curiosity. In her book The Power of Focusing, Ann Weiser Cornell teaches Inner Relationship Focusing, a simple method for connecting with yourself. When you notice a sensation or emotion, you can keep it company, listening for its truth without expecting it to change.
- βSomething in me feels anxious, and I say hello to that.β
- βMy belly feels tight, and I say hello to that.β
- βI donβt know what I feel, and I say hello to that.β
If you feel judgmental of what you notice, you can turn your listening attention toward judgment.
- βSomething in me hates that I feel anxious, and I say hello to that.β
- βSomething in me wants my belly to relax, and I say hello to that.β
- βSomething in me says I should know what I feel, and I say hello to that.β
As you listen inside, your vague sensations will become more clear. As parts of you feel fully heard, they will shift and heal. As you practice listening, you will regain confidence in your perceptions.
Ignore motives In the movie Gaslight, Gregoryβs manipulation of his wife is part of a hidden plot to find her auntβs jewels. Sometimes gaslighting helps an abuser maintain a more sympathetic self-image as well as concealing abuse. While it is happening, gaslighting often lacks an apparent motive, which adds to the victimβs confusion and self-doubt.
You do not have to figure out why someone is gaslighting you. You do not even have to label the behavior as gaslighting. You can simply say hello to your confusion and desire to understand.
Seek out support It can be tempting to ask others to confirm your perceptions of gaslighting. Unfortunately, others may be unaware of what is happening and do not have your moment by moment observations. Turn your attention toward what is true for you.
- βSomething in me is uncertain, and I say hello to that.β
- βSomething in me desperately wants confirmation, and I say hello to that.β
Instead of taking a poll on whether your perceptions are correct, seek out people who support you in welcoming all your perceptions.
Rebuild self-trust As you repair your relationship with yourself, the effects of gaslighting will gradually fall away. Over time, your boundaries will heal, and you will naturally say no to emotionally abusive behavior.
Learn more I highly recommend Ann Weiser Cornellβs book The Power of Focusing as well as the many articles on her website. A good starting point is The Radical Acceptance of Everything.
The wikipedia entry for gaslighting has a good summary and background information.
Aesop, The Lion and the Mouse Β (via fyp-philosophy)
WHY DONT MORE PEOPLE LOVE STING RAYS LOOK AT THAT FACE
Because they ganged up on the crocodile hunter and shanked him in cold blood.
ME