Sad

I don't want to be sad anymore. I don't even know why I'm sad half the time. I don't even know when I started being sad. I just know that I've been sad for some time now and I don't know how to undo it. It's like this feeling engulfed me whole and isn't letting go. They say you choose how you feel, but I don't remember choosing this. I don't remember waking up one day and saying, you're going to be sad because that's what you want to feel. I want nothing more to be happy, though I'm not even really sure what that feels like or what have to even make myself feel that way. Is there some switch that I turn on in my brain that I just flip. I can't tell you the last time I felt happy. I just always feel down. I think the thing that bothers me the most is that I can be sad with a smile on my face. I can cry on full conversations without even mentioning the fact that I'm sad. I give advice on how people can change how they're feeling when really I have no idea because I've never been able to do that for myself.

Maybe

I constantly question wether or not the life I'm living is even worth living anymore. I find myself having more lows in life that they just drown out any highs I have. I feel sad 99 percent of the time but I've become so immune to the filling that that is my normal state, it isn't a feeling I feel for a while. it's become my feeling when I'm content. I question what could of been so bad that made me feel so damn sad all the time. What was it that made being sad okay for me? And I think the saddest part of it is is that I can't ever seem to come up with the right answer for that dreaded question, or one that makes any sense for that matter. I talk friends and tell them what is bothering me at the moment and of course they give me advice about the normal day life, but what I don't tell them is how many times I think about killing myself each day. Or that I've caught myself trying to write the perfect letter to leave behind. I am a prisoner of my own mind, and I've seem to have misplaced the key. Maybe I didn't feel the need to find it because I've come to the conclusion that these feelings will never go away or that maybe I'll get lucky and get in a car accident one day. So there is no need to find this key it's perfectly fine where ever it is. I know I need help with this hole of depression I've seem to have dug myself into, but I feel helpless and well I know I'm not a strong enough person to cause harm to myself. I see myself as somewhere in the middle. Like I consider killing myself at least 15 times a day but I know I'm not strong enough to do. I don't see myself as the danger I really am and that can be dangerous.

I hate my life and the amount of stress I'm under right now. I just won't to move back home and rid of this negative in my life. I have so much hate towards you like I really do just the sound of you breathing makes me want to claw your eyes out and make you swallow and choke on them.