NOPE (2022)

A heavily lip-sticked grave

The final resting place of author Oscar Wilde, ridden with kisses, is not the only famous grave in the Parisian Père Lachaise Cemetery. Singers Jim Morrison and Serge Gainsbourg also attract a wealth of fans and mourners who leave blessings at their gravesides, normally in the form of lighters and/or cigarettes.

“Here’s this man who believed when he died that his name would be toxic for generations to come. For hundreds of years his works wouldn’t be read. He would stand for nothing but perversion. Utter disgust of a society that couldn’t bear people like him… His tomb in Père Lachaise Cemetery, in Paris had to be restored because the polished stone of its surface had corroded through kisses. Wouldn’t it just be allowed once to just wake him up for five minutes just to tell him that, then he can go back to sleep again?“ 

 - Stephen Fry, Jaipur Literature Festival on Wilde, January 2016

It’s surrounded now by plexiglass to keep the stone from corroding and instead everyone kisses the glass and stands on tiptoe to leave flowers and well loved copies of his books tucked into the enclave and it’s perfect. On the back is an excerpt that’s important

“And alien tears will fill for him pity’s long broken urn. For his mourners will all be outcast men, and outcasts always mourn.”

― Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray

"am I being annoying" are you aware that my heart is trying to crawl out of my chest to get to you

Someone taped a photo of Markiplier to the FNAF poster at our theater

The older you get the more you will realize that your friends are people who have made mistakes and bad decisions and even just fucked up and hurt people.

And obviously your boundaries with your friends are completely up to you but you do need to recognize that if you cut off everyone who has done something wrong, you’re going to end up with no friends (and you yourself will have also fucked up in your life, and not lived up to those impossible standards either).

I’ve found it’s much more constructive to learn how to say “hey dude, that was massively fucked up of you,” because most people are really willing to say “yeah, it was, I need to work on it/not do it again/apologize and make things right” ESPECIALLY if they are hearing it from you as their friend.

Sometimes the kindest thing you can do for another person is to tell them that they’ve done something wrong, help them fix it, and stay their friend because it’s what we would want from them if we did something wrong.

It's so important to keep following people even when they stop posting things ypu like or find interesting. It's builds character to see the two guys from top gun holding eachother gently and full of lust. I've never watched Top Gun. but the one user who keeps putting fanart of tom cruise and his mustached male lover on my dash is essential to my tumblr ecosystem. biodiversity, if you will

One of the funniest subversion of cooking manga reactions I've seen

Handy guys building stuff for their pets are so wholesome 😭

Average color of US states based on satellite imaging.

fond of the average by county version of this:

also the world version:

Australia is really out there doing her own thing

You’re just jealous of our apocalyptic arse sand

Why is the ground made of Flamin’ Hot Cheetos?

It rusty

mars ass sand

Good morning to Banana the Lobster, and only Banana.

For a second I was really concerned that the lobster was transphobic before realizing the link is from the daily mail

It’s funny to me that I’ve met people named Grace, Faith, Patience and Chastity. It is so funny that Puritan names have survived so long and are still so popular if you take a step back and think about it. She’s getting Starbucks today and accusing a townsperson of witchcraft tomorrow.

AND DESTINY, I’ve met so many Destinys.

Nobody even chooses the COOL Puritan names like Punishment, Humiliation, Refuge, Relief, Obedience. And it’s always girls getting Puritan names nowadays. When am I going to see a baby boy named Submit To His Will.

Thats the name of an ex-fundamentalist kinky gay if ever I heard one

kinky evil former Puritan vampire

i found out i had a quaker cousin from the 1600s named Wrestling. as in, from the torah, Jacob’s wrestling with an angel. She also had a brother named Repentance and one of her sisters was named Fear.

Absolutely losing my mind over Love, Patience, Fear, Wrestling and fucking Jonathan

So I wanted to know what kind of crystal could go in a wizard staff, right? so I googled “big crystal,” as one does, and got an Etsy ad for This

And as you all know I Am currently taking a geology class, so I am probably more emotionally invested in minerals than usual. But that is...very obviously not a natural crystal.

So I did some looking around on Etsy.

Now, these shops all seem to advertise to the “witchy”/“spiritual healing” type of person. And there are a lot of them. Crystals are a Big Thing on Etsy. And ALMOST ALL of them are obviously artificially cut into the same sort of prism with a triangular pyramid top, regardless of the actual sort of crystal it is supposed to be.

Even like, fucking, obsidian. Obsidian is volcanic glass, it doesn’t form crystals at all, it is not a crystal

I’m not throwing any shade at people who are into crystals for like witchy reasons, but it really seems like if crystals are spiritually important to you, you should know what a crystal is...right...?

So there I am. Caught in the helpless anger and distaste of looking at geologically inaccurate Etsy crystals.

And as I scroll, I start to see items in...interesting shapes:

“Oh,” I think to myself. “Oh no.”

But it is too late. I have heard the siren’s song, singing to me of knowledge that will destroy me, but that I cannot help but seek.

These...elongated objects are almost always ambiguously described as “massage wands,” “crystal healing wands,” and other such innocuous things. The egg-shaped objects are, um, “yoni eggs.”

...Right. Okay.

Maintain the youthfulness of my sacred organ.

IT’S A SEX TOY. SAY IT. BITCH, IT’S A SEX TOY, IT’S OKAY, SERIOUSLY, THERE’S NO SHAME IN IT, SAY IT WITH PRIDE, SAY IT WITH YOUR CHEST,

OKAY.

Okay. I’m good. I’m fine.

Actually, you know what, never mind. There is shame in this and I want it to be never acknowledged again.

Additionally, I am not fine.

Why the fuck are there so many of these—

At this point I stop and start googling.

Now, Selenite is the crystalline form of gypsum. It is also known as satin spar. Selenite is brittle and breaks easily, and has a Mohs hardness scale of 2.

For those unfamiliar with the Mohs hardness scale, a mineral with a hardness of 2 is soft enough that it can be easily scratched with a fingernail. It also is dissolved by moisture.

NO. DON’T PUT THAT IN YOUR BODY???? DON’T PUT THE GYPSUM, WHICH HAS A MOHS HARDNESS SCALE OF 2, IS BRITTLE AND BREAKS EASILY, AND IS WATER SOLUBLE, INSIDE YOUR LITERAL ACTUAL VAGINA??????????

I try to reassure myself with the fact that these things are probably not actually selenite, because making a dildo out of such a soft mineral in the first place would be very difficult. Having seen fluorite before, I feel pretty certain that the fluorite yoni eggs are probably actually just glass.

I google fluorite.

Okay.

Further exploring online shows me that fluorite is soluble in various strong acids.

Some guys on a forum in 2004 have strong contradictory opinions on this.

(I google the pH of the vagina.)

I don’t understand how pH works. I give up on the solubility question and google the toxicity of fluorite:

I now know at least one orifice fluorite does not go inside.

Science.

No, dear followers, my journey did not end here.

I have opened Pandora’s box, except Pandora’s box is filled with minerals God did not intend to be anywhere near the vagina carved into the shape of dildos. Etsy is advertising me sex toys I wish I could forget.

And vaginal steam herbs.

It seems that there is potentially a correlation between wanting to steam your vagina and wanting to put rocks in it. I know, groundbreaking discovery.

Okay, so we’re talking therapy substitute therapy substitute.

(I begin to think about how desperately we need universal health care. Maybe I just need someone, something, to blame.)

At this point, I realize that I haven’t done any googling on whether dildos made of rocks are a good idea at all. So, very tentatively, as if typing it more slowly will make it any less observed by the FBI, I google whether quartz should be used...internally.

First result that pops up:

That’s, uh. That’s reassuring.

I decide I’m incapable of unpacking this particular suitcase.

There are, of course, a small handful of articles debating the safety of rose quartz sex toys. But I’m getting the feeling that this is not a normal question to have in the first place. I close the tab with little relief.

Etsy is still enthusiastically recommending me things that hurt me psychologically.

...pleasure chalk?

How can I describe the fear that this image struck in me, reader?

Pleasure Chalk? What could that be?

Is knowing worse, or is not knowing? I scarcely have a choice:

I check in with my emotions.

Is this relief? Am I relieved that they are eating the dirt instead of fucking it? One review complains about the taste. I don’t know what they expected.

I try in vain to struggle against the tide, to return to the relatively normal side of Etsy. I begin to resent, no, hate, these deceptively aesthetically pleasing hippie shops eagerly spreading medical misinformation and things as yet unknown.

This, unlike the other “crystals” I have shown, appears to show naturally grown crystals. They are, of course, quartz crystals, and $45 comes off as extremely overpriced. I have a quartz crystal I got for a dollar at an Eastern Kentucky rock festival, about the size and quality of the ones in the photo.

Quartz is the most common mineral in the Earth’s crust. But at least this is regular levels of annoying.

Then I see this:

Well, I see the photo and the price, and I think, that looks like a regular quartz crystal. There’s no way a regular quartz crystal is $1,347.

I read the description:

I am crying. I don’t want to google any of this. I am beyond googling. I no longer desire knowledge.

THATS A QUARTZ CRYSTAL. MOTHERFUCKER THAT’S QUARTZ. SIO2, MOST COMMON MINERAL IN THE EARTH’S CRUST. ITS FUCKING QUARTZ IM—

I click on a malachite.

The malachite promises to protect me from emails. And at this, darkest hour, I want to be protected.

I have been broken. I have been lured to my demise.

Big Brother: loved.

Geology lab I’m supposed to be doing: incomplete.

God: unmerciful.

This post has everything. Price gouging quartz, eating dirt, and fucking poisonous rocks.

I'm absolutely ascending at this part of the entire post

I’m absolutely

ascending at this part of

the entire post

Beep boop! I look for accidental haiku posts. Sometimes I mess up.

“This historic proposed rule will advance justice for people with disabilities and help ensure they are not subjected to discrimination under any program or activity receiving funding from HHS just because they have a disability.”

Holy shit, this is huge. Like, so huge.

Reminder that other countries don't have "pre-existing conditions" that they can claim as a reason to deny coverage or treatment; that's just your medical history.

Adding this to the file of "Things to pull out when it gets closer to Voting o'Clock".

Actually fucking crying. That's... huge.

multi-national corps make big bucks selling merchandise with the orange&pink lesbian flag on it but the person who made it is currently HOMELESS.

emily gwen needs money. give them money. stop giving disney and faceless businesses who sell cheap, imported, low-quality crap produced with probably child or slave labour. give your money to emily gwen.

I haven’t been able to get the full video but we just celebrated one of our steam locomotives turning 145 by chucking a chocolate cake into her firebox

So I know this post is from 2018, and I’ve gone on and on about it haunting me (it does still, and I don’t even work there anymore), but I think all these years later and so close to her own birthday, she deserves to be seen for the gorgeous locomotive she is.

She’s beautiful, we adore her, and she’s going to be 149 this year! Happy birthday, lady!

she’s now 150!!

Tony Ward Fall 2023 Couture

The prompt was ‘detention.’

reblogging with cute tags that make me happy <3