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eleanor could be anybody

@cderby / cderby.tumblr.com

I am a teacher. I am a hard working and concerned teacher. I am a student. I am a skeptical idealist. I have an uncontrollably loud laugh. I use this blog to sew together different parts of myself.
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Yesterday I was a PhD student

Yesterday I was a PhD student. Today I am a sub. It feels like a secret, like I am masquerading as this person who is not familiar with responsibility, who can’t be trusted to carry out a complicated lesson plan or even keep track of too many student names. I don’t have to grade any papers, I don’t have to write anything- they’d be impressed if I jotted down a few notes about who went to the restroom and who helped me with attendance. I can get here a few minutes late and they don’t hold it against me. She doesn’t know any better, she’s just a sub. In fact, every time I get here, they are so thankful I have arrived, raving with gratitude even. So what does it mean that I lavish this identity, of a person who will probably not be perfect, who should not be in charge of too much, and is basically expected to do the minimum amount of work? Is it okay if the answer is that I am tired? Am I allowed to be tired as a privileged white woman with three degrees and no children? I don’t think so. 

Can I be sick of a few things? Perhaps being held to other people’s standards who don’t hold themselves to those same standards. I think we can all agree we are sick of that in some, if not all corners of our lives. Maybe it sickens me that I did all of the things I was supposed to do, and it wasn’t enough. It was sick that I woke up every morning feeling like I would not count as much as my phd counterparts no matter what I did. And so finally, just as luck would have it, my biggest worry happened. They told me to go. They gave no reason of substance-they didn’t have to do anything like explain to me in truth about why they had made this decision about my life. They didn’t have to do anything that made them uncomfortable, that’s what it means to have a PhD in some cases I suppose. And when I asked questions about this decision they either blew smoke at me or got all blotchy and insisted they already had been very clear about why. If that was the case then why, as an intelligent individual with a good amount of self evaluative skill and emotional awareness, was I still baffled as to why I deserved to be ousted from this ship I had poured everything I had into for over four years? It was sick. 

And now, every time I read an academic research article its like I am lurking at the site of my own wound, looming around the blood, still sticky from the recent carnage, but no longer openly bleeding. Like a fly, I survey the sentences I could have written, peruse the year of publication, the author bios, Dr. This who works at University-That, as an Associate-Something I’ll never be. And here I sit behind a desk, but it's not my desk; it's the desk of a band director who is not here today, who has no expectations of me, no real lesson plan for me to follow. Only directions for what student (Brooke) should take attendance for me, and to please read aloud to the class the phrase “you are to stay and practice/be productive indoors.” I hope I don’t disappoint.

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It was blue

The sound of your hip bone clicking when you walk across concrete in bare feet is something I wonder about

How many other people have heard it?

The way you cock your head sometimes right before you giggle

Your oversized K-9s.

The color of the carpet in your bedroom when you were a kid. 

Who else knows these blips of you

 and how long will they stay 

What do I do with them 

Will it hurt when they fade

Does your hip bone still click when you walk on concrete? 

And if I had the chance to hear it now, would we have anything to say? 

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wild

when we were young

there were three of us

we made up dances

got jealous

dreamed of sharing our everythings with each other

and when we did we cried because it wasn’t enough.

music was making love to the air and pretending it was you and me

and we could sing our songs anywhere

walking down dirt roads

on our mountain paths

in the car when I turned 35

and I wonder what happened to knowing other people 

the way I did when I was young 

and in love with both of you. 

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with you

I know the way your eyes look through your hair when it falls down over your forehead

I know the shadow of your clavicle under your T shirt

I know what it feels like to fall asleep to your voice over the phone night 

after night

the window open

the breeze telling me 

 I am a wild

untamed spirit. 

Even though I was only 14

With you I felt forever in my blood. 

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your last note to me

I went to the field this morning to walk the dogs

i forgot my glasses so could not see far

but there in the sky close enough for even my eyes to see

a white bellied feathery hawk

with soft brown tones painted lightly around his silhouette

wings and feathers sprawled so far across the sky

and i could see it

so close to me, right above me

it floated and swooped 

made just a few circles and then i felt it.

wherever you are

you are okay now. 

as I reached to take a picture 

you were gone

but you told me 

and i heard it 

(just like in your last note to me)

i would always be in your heart. 

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the strongest kind of love

they found you this morning

and i cant stop thinking about how I would beg you to come to my chorus performances when we were both in 9th grade.

i knew it wasn’t cool because i was in chorus and you were one of the cool kids but

whether you were there or not

i would sing to you

“daniel is traveling tonight on a plane”

and one time, you did show up. and i had your face to look at and sing to

“daniel you’re a star”

I was so thrilled. I was so filled with 9th grade love for you, 

which might be the strongest kind of love in the whole world.

i wasn’t even upset that you left early

you said it was too much pressure, that an entire choral group of high schoolers was singing your name, you said it with a smirk. and i forgave you.

i just wanted to look at you forever. 

(you were what I could drink a case of and still be on my feet.)

but you were never mine to keep 

and that was okay. 

just as now you are no one’s to keep. 

now you are a star

in the face

of the sky.

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Home

Thank goodness.

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Time to go home

Today is our day to go home. I have been waiting for this day. Here is what has happened so far. Arrived at airport at 4:15 (our flight departs at 7:30) Our flight was delayed which meant we would miss our connector. I pleaded with Herald with United to find us something to Austin tonight. It didn't look good. He found us a flight that had been delayed earlier that had not yet taken off. I almost cried and thanked him many times, telling him I didn't want to go back to my grandparents house because my grandfather keeps telling me I am going to hell. I give my mom the good news and we rush to get on our flight. We taxi in the plane for 40 minutes. The captain comes on to say there's something wrong with the plane and we have to get off. We get off the plane and wait in line again. We get tickets on the last flight out to Charlotte. We will be home by midnight if all goes well. My mom has been suffering from severe depression this entire time so this is all particularly difficult on her. She is strong though, and I am taking good care of her. I hope we are home soon and safely.

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What I did next

I told my mom I was going to walk to the bar up the road. It is called WHITEY’S. I don’t know why that surprises me at this point. She told me her dad would give her a hard time if I went to the bar by myself. I asked her if she wanted to go with me. She looked at me like I was nuts. Then I remembered that no one is treated like an adult in this house so I lied and said I was going to walk around the block and talk to my dad on the phone. I told everyone I would be back by 9:30 pm, that I was going to walk the neighborhood to make some phone calls. It was 8:10. I AM 34 YEARS OLD. I called my dad. I cried. I found the bar on foot. I ordered two Manhattans, told the girl how to make them, and inhaled them. Then I ran back home so my mom wouldn’t have to take any shit from her shitty brother and father. 

Tomorrow our flight leaves at 7:30 pm. I already called United to see if we can get out of here earlier. The lady, LeAhnne told me she would waive my penalty for changing flights but we would still have to pay for the difference in flight prices, which we can’t afford. I am still looking to maybe get to the airport tomorrow as early as possible which would be at 11 am. This is because my uncle (his superhero name is White Entitlement Boy) has a flight that leaves at 1 pm and my grandfather will BITCH about having to make two trips to the airport in one day (our flight leaves the same day at 7:30 pm) but he won’t let me call a fucking UBER because I DONT KNOW THE STRANGER WHO IS DRIVING. I would rather sit in a car with a hundred strangers and wait in an airport for 10 hours than be around these people for one more minute. 

So we will see how that goes tomorrow. 

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What just happened

Argument with uncle about electoral college and Fox news being slanted...he told me the electoral college is important because if there were nine men in a room and one woman and they all voted to rape the woman, that’s how the electoral college would protect her, not everyone is worth one vote. 

I followed that up after a lot of arguing with a comment about how if anyone were to vote to rape someone it would be Trump. My uncle retorted with a “What about bill clinton” comment. I told him I didn’t vote for Bill Clinton. 

Uncle: “Trump isn’t going to rape anyone”

Me: “I bet he already has!”

Then my grandfather sits down next to me on the couch. He tells me I am going to hell. I said to watch it because I just made him dinner. He says he has had many dinners cooked for him before. Then he tells me to get my dirty feet off his couch. 

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Things to do today (gparents house day 4)

1. Set up in the back yard to escape Fox News blaring

2. Try really hard to study for exams

3. Write Christmas cards and sign them from me and my mom

4. Try not to go insane even though my grandfather told me how I should teach my students last night at the dinner table (he has been a classroom teacher for zero years and oh yes, he voted for Trump, so please tell me how I should run my classroom since I am just the only person in the room with 7 years of teaching experience, a masters degree, and in my fourth year of a PhD program for Curriculum and Instruction-PLEASE TELL ME HOW TO DO MY JOB oh and while you’re at it, keep talking about how this man or that man you know went to Cornell or Harvard and never mention where I am going to school or what degrees I hold or am working on. That would be irrelevant since I am a woman and your measly grand daughter over here. 

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Visiting Grandparents Day 3

1. BEACH DAY!

We went to the beach today. It was wonderful. It was like as soon as we hit the sea air, everyone had the taste of their youth in their mouths, well maybe not everyone...BUT

 My grandmother took off her shoes and socks so she could feel the sand between her toes. My mother walked down the beach with me in the sunshine, tip toeing through the cold surf. My grandfather curled up behind my grandmother as she reclined on a bag full of extra sweaters we brought just in case, and we shared chips and sandwiches together. 

We were all pleasantly surprised that the sun decided to show its face (when we first arrived at the beach it looked dark and maybe like rain), except for my Uncle who packed up his things 20 minutes after we got there and went to sit in the car. 

2. AND THEN WE LIT IT ON FIRE

Tonight it was the night to light luminaria on the curb throughout my grandparent’s neighborhood. These are the small bags where you put a candle in a pile of sand and they look really festive for the holidays. It was a big deal, after we got back from the beach (we spent about an hour there and it is around 40 minutes each way) it was basically a count down to 5:45 when the neighborhood directions said to light the lumineria. Every ten minutes someone was asking, “What time is it?”. 

 As soon as it was 5:40 we went out to start lighting the candles. The first one my mom lit was tricky. We couldn’t get the matches to light and the bag was a bit damp from the rain that had fallen an hour earlier (it was a surprise tropical shower followed by a short lived rainbow!). In short, my mom ended up accidentally torching the whole bag and I had to throw it in a puddle to get it to stop burning. When grandpa came up to inspect our folly, and perhaps scold us, I told him it was me who set it on fire by accident. He called me a neophyte. 

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“I haven’t had cake in a long time”

Today was my grandmother’s 90th birthday. One thing I have learned from watching what happens between my grandfather, an avid Rush Limbaugh fan, and my grandmother, a retired navy nurse, is that our choices really matter. Who we choose matters. My grandmother has become increasingly blind over the last two years. She could not see her gifts or her birthday cake today unless we held a strong desk lamp over her as she craned her neck closer to the colors to make them out. This means she is in a very vulnerable position. She cannot see the pills she takes, nor the food she eats. She can’t cook for herself or go shopping. This means that she is solely dependent on her husband, who she chose to be with, under conditions and circumstances brought on by societal norms, gender norms, what have you. 

Today I watched her husband take her plate of cake away from her before she was finished even though she specifically told him not to. Then when I went into the kitchen to defend her and get her cake back, he insisted that she was done and that she didn’t need it anyway (she weighs 70 lbs. on a good day). I grabbed another plate and reached for a knife to cut her another piece and my grandfather’s eyes widened, devastated that I would dirty another dish for more cake for my grandmother. Since his wife (who waited on him hand and foot) has become unable to serve him, he has become more and more obsessed with minimizing the amount of clean up and effort that comes with cooking and eating. With this reaction from him, my grandmother whispered, “No, it’s okay, I don’t need it anyway” and shuffled back to her seat at the dining room table. 

Yeah, it’s just cake, you’re saying. But it’s not just cake. I have not heard anyone actually ask my grandmother how she feels about life, or the day, or her marriage, or her kids, or the fact that she is turning NINETY YEARS OLD. It seems like everyone just wants her to pose for their pictures instead of find out what is in her head. And this is what I mean when I say it matters who we choose to be with us- when we can’t see or cook or have real teeth anymore, these choices become even more pronounced. Our lives depend on the choices we make today and every day. 

My grandmother was so happy when she took her first bite of cake this afternoon. She smiled and said, “It’s been a long time since I have had cake.” And I’m wondering why, at 90 years old and 70 lbs, she’s not eating cake every day. It matters who we choose, and when I am 90, I hope the person I choose will serve me cake for breakfast if I want it and not judge me if I can’t keep the frosting off of my face. 

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Visiting grandparents night 2

At the table Its is one of the stranger things In this world To sit at a table with humans Who have your blood in their bodies But have no idea Who you are. It is not only a strange thing not to know people you have sat down to dinner with your whole life but also Not to even care who they are sitting next to you, Not to ask Are you happy Do you like this world we live in How did I do as a mother A father A sister Or to ask How can I make it up to you?

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Visiting grandparents day 1

When we arrived I shared that I was excited that I had a female airline pilot. My grandmother said she would not fly with a female pilot due to their lack of experience. 

Today my grandfather told me that the new administration will fix the education system in the U.S.

I got in trouble for making imprints on the fancy rug with my bare feet.

According to them, I made too much salad and way too many cheese and crackers.

I have gotten more praise for cleaning the cabinets with Magic Erasers I bought at the store today than my work in my PhD program.

FOX news is on in the background.

Rush Limbaugh is on in the kitchen. 

I am going to make muffins now. And refill my drink. 

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the young man

what happens when the ambulances pull away from the curb

in front of the house you raised him in

the house he chose

to be his last resting place

the neighbors drive by, windows open,

trying to be respectful but still

stealing slow glances your way

you with your daughter

on the front steps of your home

now full of strangers in uniform

you wrapping your arms around each other

thinking

how could this have happened

what could we have done

and the cars still drive by

drivers going to meet friends

singing along to the radio in their cars

as they pass you where you sit

on the stoop

where maybe he took his first steps

maybe he saw his first lightning bug

and now all you can do is wait

for them to take pictures

to clean up the

mess

to carry him out

covered

breathless

no heart beating

the way it did on his first christmas

in that house

the pictures are on the mantle and the police are in the living room

the medical examiner

the crime scene unit

victim services

all parking in the spots your neighbors usually park in

like his room now

taken up

by people who have never met him

and what do you do now

that they have all gone away

the ambulances, the fire trucks, the police, the coroner

is it still your home or his?

are you sleeping in there behind the curtains with the light behind them?

I saw you wringing your hands, screaming at the uniformed strangers, clinging to your neighbor Peter

desperate

lost

insisting something,

that they do something

anything

to bring him back to you.

And now

you are in your house that is not your house

because it was his house

and where is he now

and how did you let him go

how could it have been different

on this day

you will talk about

for the rest of your lives.

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