Wish/Fear

Every 11:11 or wish I’ve made since meeting that tortured soul was only for it to find and maintain as much happiness as possible, maybe it isn’t working because I’m sharing this now or maybe it isn’t working because there is no happiness to be found or maybe this is just what’s supposed to happen for them to become happy. Maybe it’s the fact that wishes and dreams aren’t real. That’s why I was enjoying it so much, it felt real and they seemed happy but what if my biggest fears have always been true? Even my family, they all pretend to care like it’s a game, only caring when it’s convenient. My entire life I’ve been so caring of other people, just wanting to understand them or be a comrade in trying to seek out happiness, that I never had the loudest voice which is what gets people the most attention. I’d let people talk and spill and absorb it and understand them yet when I tried they wouldn’t care or brush it off without a second thought. I came to understand this pretty quickly, I could notice the small nuances to show if someone was interested or not, even them faking interest is quite easy to tell for the most part. I inevitably started to just not tell anyone anything only opening up to those who actually cared but by then I was so fucked up that anything I said was a lie or a warped version of my feelings. I found friends that I related too and opened up to a little but still, they never really cared about the things I had gone through or was going through, never asked me about my feelings, just thought I was cool cause of the way I boasted about myself and my fake veil of pride. No one had ever really seemed to care about ME, who I AM. My fear is that maybe they do know me and I’m just unworthy of their caring. Then I met the one who seemed to want to know about me, the one that was different, looked at me with big eyes in question that seemed to wonder the same things, “Do you really care about me? Are you just pretending like the others?”. So I did, I cared more than anything else and I shared so many things that no one else had even heard or had cared to hear. Eventually though, just later than all the others, they got to a point where they stopped asking me about myself and my feelings, probably around when they got “bored”. I kept asking and wanting to talk and share feelings, hoping if we did then that boredom would go away but it turned into me being an emotional crutch again, always trying to lift up and do everything to fill the emptiness that everyone has when all they have to do is realize that it can’t be filled. Not by anyone. That sadness and being bored and longing will always remain in you just as happiness and excitement and love will. I’ve been going for so long unnoticed now, doing my best, just like they always do, hoping that this bout will end because I would go on for an eternity if that’s what it would take. I just got so upset, knowing that they care for a soul that doesn’t deserve it enough to toss me aside like nothing, I saw that they didn’t trust or know the way that I care about them anymore and I panicked. In the end I still want to care and everyone still wants to be the victim, haha I’m even doing it now. I really just wish that this ends soon cause it isn’t worth the pain and that you find happiness maybe even letting me still care and be there for you when you need it.