Why do witches like always wanna fatten kids up before they eat them?? fat is like the grossest part of meat

“Why hello there, little children~. Please follow me to my magical… FITNESS ROOM. NO P A N S I E S ALLOWED BEYOND THIS POINT. LEAVE YOUR WHINING AT THE DOOR BECAUSE IT’S LEG DAY AND WE’RE ABOUT TO GET R-R-R-RIPPE D.”

Because they’re always cooking said kids in cauldrons and ovens - aka long cooking times at lowish heat. If you do that to fatty meat, the fat melts completely and the meat gets tear-it-apart-with-a-fork soft. If you do it to lean meat, you get tiny little sad meat bits that bring no joy to anyone.

well you did ask

Also there’s wisdom in fattening them up on sweets and other carbs. A meatless, carb-rich diet makes for more tender and flavourful meat.

you are arguing over the semantics of EATING CHILDREN

Well yeah, you gotta get this shit right or it’s a waste of 40-80 lbs of meat.

plus if you feed them a high fat, low nutrition diet, they’re easier to subdue and less likely to run away, which would be a concern for an elderly crone.

Thank you, Old Witch With Candy House side of tumblr.

Someone told me that the scene from Rick & Morty where buff Rick & buff Summer beat up the Devil is on the TV in the background of the Justice League trailer; and that sounded like total bullshit until I checked it out and 

Oliver Wood was probably more excited than anyone else when the news came out that Ginny Weasley and Harry Potter were expecting a baby because DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH QUIDDITCH TALENT THAT CHILD HAS IN ITS GENES

Oliver: so like you’ve got three now, why stop there? I mean just four more and you’ve got yourself a team!

Ginny: How did you get in my house?

remember when actual sunflower harry james potter, who had never had pocket money before, excitedly bought out the candy trolley so he could split the goods with ron weasley, a boy he had just met? i think about that a lot because wow, the first time harry was ever allowed to have something that was just his, his first instinct was to share it. 

#dear diary: the search for my asshole brother in law continues #although today I picked up an overexcitable child from a desert planet who could do crazy shit with a spaceship so #……..close enough? (via notbecauseofvictories)

Do lions blep.

i hope this helps

I’m the founder of the “I suck at keeping the conversation going, but I really like talking to you” club

Seriously though, The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy conveys “the universe fundamentally does not care about you” better than just about any cosmic-horror story I’ve ever seen.

Its whole theme is, “the default state of life is a parade of ridiculous out-of-left-field nonsense and disaster and beauty which does not care about your personal virtue” and it can embrace and celebrate the weirdness without getting bogged down in overwrought elder pantheons.

And it’s packed with non-sequiturs and shaggy-dog stories and rambling detours but they’re all in service of that message, and the story’s just gleefully having fun with concepts like an immortal alien who’s determined to insult everyone in the galaxy to their face in alphabetical order.

Basically, the Hitchhiker’s Guide is the guy on the right:

Anyone who says you can’t give flowers to boys clearly hasn’t tried it. Seriously, give a boy some roses, they get adorably flustered and go all red. It’s the most precious thing.

Give more boys flowers. 🌹🌼🌻🌸🌷🌺💐

crush stereotypes now 

we love flowers. give us flowers.

Date someone who looks at you like Lin-Manuel Miranda looks at his castmates when they perform.

tbqh this is still my favorite tweet of all time

positivity post for fat boys